voiding unfortunate

And I have to say it rather than actually delete it.
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I don't yet have enough terror to override the feelings of love for some of those that would be effected.

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So I'll try with force of will various different things. Perhaps I'll even consider medication BUT the reason I don't want to do that is because I think medication will give me the commitment I need to go through with it. Medication can do that.
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(Definitely voided. But the interesting thing is that I am dealing with a kind of ongoing lack of respect from all quarters and people didn't believe I was going to do it anyway! However, I got a phone call about something, and am thinking that perhaps I may pursue positive polarity and damned the consequences, since I am growing too low on energy to be able to support myself on obsession with conspiracy. (Not enough genuineness or 'connection' with myself, feel as though spirit switched off. Obviously avoid positively polarising things because they lead in intuition back to contacting the girl and then I get the pain of not contacting her or the more unpleasant pain of contacting her and being treated like a leper.))
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Interestingly for me part of my internal monologue justifying it was that things in the real world wouldn't work out because of xyz. Which relied on me NOT being able to sort myself out in the way that it now seems I can.
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I can't seem to meditate or do anything spiritual. I'm getting some sort of interference.
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So as to methods. There are no really tall buildings nearby. There are a set of chalk cliffs that my Granny jumped off and didn't get a bruise (because she carried her handbag).
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I think I set this up deliberately as part of my life plan. A gun of course would be good but I wouldn't risk that because that has gone wrong for some people.
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I've decided it's not an option because the methods seem to be very difficult. Who for instance, can cut their own throat? Who can stand infront of a train? There are no guns around that is the most effective method. Setting fire to self? Ridiculous amount of agony. Hanging? suffocation, also ridiculous amount of agony.
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So I need to find some things that can get me through. Obviously I need FULL energy in my lower chakras and I 'leaked' again some time fairly recently. I have voided the things I have to do today and perhaps sleeping and dreaming would help. Supplements perhaps? Something I can somehow read or do to get me through!