It is worth it; and the history of Boomers.

Try to keep this one short. But as it flows it might grow longer. 

Thinking it through. 

I have talked about the Law of One session 5.2 previously, and my attempts to follow it, to contemplate and consider it. In relation to a kind of healing journey. I suppose if I am properly thinking through this area I am on a healing journey. I do desire to heal myself physically and I have for a long time. 

Not something I planned to say. But I casually have fantasies of being an amazing healer like that. Or not me specifically, as strange as it sounds... "someone" being a healer like we see in the 4400 (the first series, not the remake) in the character of Shawn Farrell. Whos character was a healer that could heal anything. 

It was a pretty amazing concept. In the same way that part of what I like about sci fi. Is, even in fiction, atheists and skeptics being confronted with something supernatural they can no longer deny. 'The Expanse' did this amazingly. So many power hungry bureaucrats with zero redeeming features being confronted by a supernatural fungus. That was doing things that were very powerful and completely unpredictable that the humans couldn't understand. 

In the same way I suppose, it would be good if Christians were confronted with something they could not deny. The Christian tendency towards claiming unearned authority. Claiming the authority of God while being unable to prove connection to God (as Jesus did when he healed!) Is continually annoying. This tweet covers it well. 

Claiming moral authority while supporting lockdown, leftism, and all manner of unethical things. 

The church is like it is though, because of Boomers. That has also been discussed on X recently. For example here and here.

This is how I see it

In World War 2 a massive amount of the powerful, intelligent, alpha males were killed off in war. The Church also lost a lot of moral authority in the war for two reasons. One, the church supported the war. Which at first people perhaps went along with, but once it started they might have been a bit like 'bruh'. Culturally, people came face to face with the fact that prayer does not solve these things. Even if they prayed, they would be subject to food rationing and bombing and such, the deaths of their friends and family. The whole traumatic event. 

Also, the baby Boomers were born out of their parents last ditch attempt at some joy in the world. Probably many of them thinking they weren't going to make it and this was before contraception. I imagine the Boomers born of that moment of desperate need for joy and life, screw the consequences, seemed to carry forward that same energy. 

And so the war ended and the world was remade anew. Governments were putting themselves back on their feet. The beginnings of a welfare state, and in the UK, public health system were created, to look after returning soldiers. But the world lived under amazing prosperity due to two things. One: massively increased innovation. Companies that had been slowly rolling out innovation for maximum profit were overruled by the security apparatus of their countries so there was new technology. Two: Without any red tape and political agendas in the new shell shocked regime. A free market of sorts could form, and thus, began a period of unbelievable prosperity.

So hence, the environment the Boomers were born into: A) Propaganda was at its peak. Nowadays you have edgy zoomers saying things like "if the Nazi's had won, there would be no Muslim rape gangs". At the time, there was no internet. The mainstream media fully controlled the narrative. And the Wests particular moral authority and agenda were pushed. B) As I mentioned, unbelievable prosperity. Back then you could just walk out of a job and walk into another one. This point has been discussed at length in modern discourse about the Boomers and obviously, money like that, and a functioning culture, also reflected into making relationships easier. C) Christianity, tradition and cultural roots, had been utterly destroyed. Morally defeated. 

There are more complex and global aspects of this such as the continued result of the coming of the gold standard and inflation. But that would make this blog post even longer.  

It would take a very astute mind, with probably a Mensa level IQ. To see the approaching cultural rot in those apparently positive things. Most of these things are like deals with the devil. You make your deal, you get your wealth and fun upfront. But the price slowly creeps in as all that you brought for it turns to ash. The culture that is falling apart. The licentiousness. The inflation and the broken economy. They all stemmed from this environment and the people that came from the environment.

But lets continue the story. The Boomers then, their giddy teenage eyes looking on the world. Just as the pill came out. Engaged on a massive spree of free love. Their culture they were contributing to the world gave pretty much no virtue. This was not the generation that writes Charles Dickens. They were the culture that enjoyed the richness of their ancestors that Charles Dickens belonged to. But they were not the culture that created that. They were the culture that enjoyed disco. 

Things were good. Although tradition and its attendant benefits were still strong. They were on the way out. They had the benefits, like I said, of a stable society. But in their culture they were able to push against tradition for their lives and identity. They did not want any limits on their lusts and hedonism. They did not want to seriously consider the bible and Christianity. Or work on philosophy mostly. They just kind of... were.

But then they grew older. "Pride comes before the fall". Humans follow a fairly predictable pattern. They grow and they learn until about 20. They have their first experiences of rebellion and personal power between about 15-25. But after that, after 25 and into their thirties and later. People need some sort of moral authority of their own. Some sort of explanation of why the world is the way it is that they can bring to the younger generations that are asking questions like "how do I live in this world?"

This is where the Boomers experienced discomfort. A discomfort most of them have not acknowledged by standing steady to the post war neoliberal order and the pretence that nothing has changed. Once a person gets into their 40's or so. They need to have spent a certain amount of time thinking and considering, perhaps reading the greats. To have anything of value to contribute. 

In the absence of that. In the absence of the kind of mindset that would write C.S.Lewis' "The Screwtape Letter". These people had the need for moral authority. The need for something to tell the younger individuals. Without the tendency, from their youth, to have thought through and worked through those beliefs. To see through trial and error what works and to pursue virtue. 

So from that, the Boomers, like I have said, have the desire for moral authority. But nothing to say. So what do they do? They rely on the easiest and simplest interpretations of everything. The most childish interpretation. And as a collective, and with the backing of their collective wealth. They dig their heels in and dogmatically insist that their way is the right way. 

This is where all the problems are. A theologically curious generation would have a better idea of Christian teachings as explained by spiritual teachers like Aaron Abke. There would be more challenging of ideas such as the salvation by faith narrative. But the boomers did not do that. So they do not say that. The way the church today is formed. You would think it had no history. It is recognised that the Apostle Paul and Jesus disciples were in disagreement with each other. But this knowledge, even though it is mainstream. Is just wiped from modern Christianity. 

The same thing with the "forgiveness without contrition" argument. It is a lazy, demonic and simplistic argument. But because it is easy. Because it takes the easy way out, rather than challenging evildoers, it scapegoats and places moral responsibility on the victim. Boomers like this. So this is what the church becomes. 

It is the same with a lot of things. Their passive, spiritual egalitarianism. Talking about how spiritual and loving they are by allowing migrants into the country to take their childrens jobs and rape them. They never went beyond left wing politics because left wing politics is that of a child. It is simplistic, easy answers to complex problems. Answers that initiate violence on the virtuous and reward the non virtuous. 

This is why DEI has been allowed to flourish as well. Even though, originally pushed by feminists. Boomers, who were mentored in the world they lived in. Do not want to mentor the new generation of men they are in competition with. They would prefer to mentor a pretty young woman, to stare at her tits, and to probably sleep with them sometimes as well. 

This from a gen z woman:

They feel entitled to young women, they flash cash, cars, and watches and expect young women to throw themselves at them (some do). I cannot tell you how regularly boomer men are aggressive and sexual with me. I do not get upset when I am approached by men UNLESS it is a boomer. They are smug and feel entitled. And they have contempt for every man my age and it comes across in the their demeaning approach. Metoo movement cause real harm to young men but boomers remained untouched. I don’t really have any respect for the women that feed into this either.

The environment.

This is the environment that needs to be destroyed. The Christianity lead by these completely self centered, stupid, and childish, people. I cannot tell you how many places I have been socially ostracised from. I was socially ostracised from several workplaces. The first office I worked in they had weekly get togethers and invited everyone except me. It was an office of thirty year old women. This went on for two years and if I spoke to anyone there, like, if a new staff member was sat next to me. Soon afterwards, she would often refuse to speak to me. Not even to say hello. I remember each one. 

It is one of those things that I don't have power over. I do not have power over the vast amount of people that have strategically socially ostracised me. In working with this healing modality I realise something else. If we take enough power over our inner world, we cannot hold onto grudges. The reason is, is that a grudge is connected to that inner world. What goes on outside us reflects inside us. If we feel angry, we are mostly angry at someone out there somewhere in the world. If we were to significantly shift that anger. Our relationship to that thing in the world has to change. 

I mentioned before how I had handled jealousy and its opposite. I have had an insight into another emotion that has opened up a whole new level of insight. I notice when I start with an emotion and find its opposite. It's opposite is often 'subconscious' in some manner. And each time the subconscious emotion kind of feels the same. Which is interesting in and of itself. It might mean I can more easily find the subconscious emotion by focusing on that 'feel'. 

Anyway, like I started the blog out with. It feels... pretty fantastic to do this. Having a practical way of shifting emotions is just... amazing. To start off with an emotion that is normally pretty unmoveable and to find another emotion. Bring it to the first and have there be a shift, a change. That you don't normally experience.

Jesus said for us to set up our treasure where thieves do not break in and steal. 

I do not know where I am going with this and I have been long enough in the new age and spiritual areas to not give in to sensationalism. At least as much as I used to. But, as a fantasy to consider, if me or someone else were to do this to the effect of being able to heal oneself and/ or others. The fantasy that would follow from that is having authority to then challenge the churches authority. To challenge mainstream Christianities falsely claimed authority as a whole. 

To completely break the arrogant Boomers strangle hold on religion. To outwardly state the person would not deal with Christianity because it has no legitimacy and to mention specifically their rejection of astrology on no rational grounds.

Wow would that be great.

But it is just a fantasy.  

Consequences coming?

Things have been a bit strange for me lately. 

I cannot describe the force of bad luck that has met me recently. Dates changed. Not able to pick up a prescription. Shop workers annoyed at me for no reason. The dog getting ill etc. 

This might be due to resistance to changing my medication. Perhaps anxiety is causing bad feedback.  

For that reason, I am going to branch out a bit in this blog into the political area. I have thoughts that I am working on in relation to theological or philosophical teachings. But not to sit with or articulate them. 

Consequences 

Two things have come in the news recently and I think there is possibly a similarity in these:

A) The Lindsay Clancy trial and the issue of womens position and feminism. 

B) A major UK incident happened yesterday where there were protests against arriving immigrants in Dover. 

The similarity is that both headlines potentially lead to the escalation of these issues such that there is actually some real world consequence.

Since Lindsay Clancy. A lot of women that just repeat dysfunctional and tyrannical woke dogma are having men break up, or even divorce in relationships. (This is separate from the details of the case, purely how it is being reflected into the populace at large).

Gloria Steinem. An initiator of feminism and an elite gender inversion (a biological man), has died a week or so ago. Which could be symbolic.

There are also issues like this finally coming up:

 

Hardly "equality" is it?

 

 

With the Dover issue. Rupert Lowe did a post recently:

 

Second half: 

 

The idea that the bureaucrats that are usually so above any sort of consequences would personally be liable is very interesting.

Personal change. 

For me personally. Perhaps I am getting older or perhaps this is due to the gym recently. I feel way more connected to the 'real world'. And that the habit of thinking with less anxiety than I previously had is slowly changing me. 

A lot of people got upset at this tweet from Trump:

It's all kind of tiring and it feels like I need to adapt to a world, emotionally; where people DO NOT get consequences for their actions, in general. Feels like it is the only way to stay sane and the incredibly intense fantasies that I had about consequences coming in my youth were all a waste of energy. 

It's still worth noticing and observing though. I have often thought previously that political events might be reflected in the astrological transits. What happens to individuals as shown by transits happens to larger groups as shown by transits. If Mars is transiting something. That transit shows up in a persons life as say, an ambitious person showing up. In politics, that might be an entire political party or country being ambitious. 

So perhaps this tendency towards consequence is starting to reflect in our real life too? 

 

Keeping up with Law of One exercises.

I have had a couple of successes. I am continuing to think over the Session 5.2 of the Law of One healing guidance.

A) I mentioned jealousy before. In thinking over jealousy. I was trying to find its opposite. The opposite is that you want others to be jealous of you. Or that you enjoy the ways others are jealous of you. Well I get that emotion strongly. I felt the desire that others be jealous of me and I recognised the emotion and immediately flipped it in becoming jealous of others. I consciously tried to think of the good things of others I might be jealous of.

And... it worked. I brought the balance of those two things together! Immediately both feelings were gone. The desire that others be jealous of me is something I have experienced a lot. 

B) Following on from that. It is hard to keep my mind on this kind of thing. When I go back to the Law of One now I will be beyond this specific passage. I don't habitually think that emotionally. Or, perhaps I do, and like everyone it is unconscious. But the next thing I could think of was 'humiliation'. I feel humiliated sometimes in that my life is kind of... very domestic/ basic/ boring. I could not think of an opposite to this... The desire to humiliate others? Perhaps humility? Having a different perspective on the same situation is relevant.

I was listening to Richard Grannon, and he talks about journalling and then you find the emotional base of that. Using an emotion wheel. To make the emotion more complex. So in the example of worthless, or inferior. (Not that far away from humiliation, oh wait, humiliated is here in the anger section. I didn't see it before). These emotions of worthless and inferior might go down to weak and insecure, and then down to fearful. 

C) Outside of that though. Constantly going to the gym is an amount of emotional change that is pretty powerful. I deliberately thought of someone that has been a big upset in my life on the way home. Someone that condescends to me. I genuinely couldn't bring myself to care. It was good! 

Anyway, that's all I have to say for the moment. 

Negative Greeting. Reworking mental models.

I will probably be laying out a bit of my case for my "greeted" thoughts. So just an fyi ahead of time. Meaning some of what I say here I might later explain why it is terrible reasoning. 

In the Law of One. The contact, when asked why certain things were happening, almost always to do with Carla's ("the instruments") health. They would say things like the negative entity tempted this person, or are energising this particular problem etc.

I think this is an interesting aside as to how they approach these issues and an important one. The Law of One contact could have said that there are negative forces engaging with the situation but to address this and think on it directly is generally toxic and not to do it. 

But they didn't. They discussed negative greeting and how to handle it in some depth. 

A recent experience.

For a little while, I have made an argument here of what I think the healing journey is, for specifically men really. That the difficulties men experience from not naturally having status. Means they experience difficult things. Some of these things are calculated for instance. If you are in an entire group of people that do not like you, but you need to relate to. Say work colleagues. Then your mind calculates that actually seeing their aggression is not good for you, because you want to continue surviving. If the aggression is noticed it becomes an immediate conflict. 

The experiences they have if they are not healthy may get stored in their muscles as hormonal combinations. Then, a bit later, when a guy does physical exercise in particular. This stuff gets released (as the muscles break down in gym work as an example), and then it is cleaned out of the system. Through the exercise but also through the knowledge that the person is increasing in strength and testosterone. So if the situation were to recur, they would be able to fight the tribe of people they were having the subtle conflict. 

In this way, when a person goes to the gym. They may get incredibly powerful and deep insights. But, it also adds in a kind of paradigm that might not be correct as I will go into. It adds in the paradigm that our subconscious and body are holding a lot of "stuff" back that needs to be cleaned out. And that perhaps if we do that we will eventually reach some kind of nirvana of clarity as all those kinds of problems in our subconscious are cleaned out.

I went to the gym late last night. Normally I do weight but today early morning today I did aerobic. A lot of it. The tiredness is something. But in the day before that. I had what felt like a sudden, powerful emotional insight of a situation in my past. Where I could not believe that I had tolerated a certain disrespect. It felt like if I had the time again I would have killed the person involved. I started to think of this in an extremely positive light. If this level of darkness is about to be cleaned out of my body with an exercise session, I am improving very quickly indeed! I also had the theory that my mind had kept the thought and feeling hidden until I was able to handle it and I had the additional thought. That why was I writing songs, when I can write them. Usually about women? When obviously this emotional realisation might be a resource to talk about things like this, and the larger situation it related to, in my songs?

The insight into the insight.

Anyway, 20 minutes into the rowing machine. For reasons I won't mention but that are in the Law of One. I got a further insight. Which is that this insight was not an actual insight. It felt like it was negatively inspired. It felt quite clearly that it was negatively inspired and with that sudden insight into what is negatively inspired and what it feels like. It also suddenly felt like I had an insight into what that negative influence is like in general. 

I felt that my inability to write music for a long time now might be linked to this. (Although I can play fine!)

There are a lot of follow ons from this. The negative greeting appears to have fit into my mental model because it fits into a truth I have decided and... perhaps experienced. The question now is, was the model I thought about earlier actually correct? I put it together some months ago, and have believed it for a long time. But I do not know that it is. It may be that the entire model was faulty and perhaps part inspired by said negative beings. (Interestingly, this false insight I have referred to happened at the same physical location as the original insight that started off the larger "salvation through exercise" model). Or that it is correct but that particular emotion was not part of that process.

My feeling is that the entire model was incorrect. Today I feel great and am having insights, possibly due to a kind of body reset and exhaustion. The biological stress is temporarily gone. But it might just be that with exercise. I feel better. I am clearer, and so have more insights. This complex idea about digging into the darkness of my subconscious needn't be included!

One of the things that to me, adds to this. Is that when I had the false insight. My sudden thoughts were that the music I was making was somehow pathetic and imperfect. That I should be writing music more in line with the new insight. This is simply a complex justification for disliking what I am and what I have already made. Yes, I have made a lot of songs that focus on women. That is just me, it was the music I wrote. 

What really helps.

The feeling that has gone with all this was fantastic. But, I imagine. Temporary. It is like one of those enlightenments newbies get when they are starting the spiritual process. It is powerful, and I feel great. But it is not the point. The point is to put in longer term tools that will practically help.

There are two that I can think of:

One; despite the fact that it is a very difficult belief to practically have in this world. One that will get you accused of being schizophrenic. And one that I feel might be less effective than a skeptical/ atheistic leaning. To consciously recognise there are negative entities out there doing things. Playing with thoughts. I think is an important thing to do. This has been maddening to me before. But it is something I feel I need to acknowledge going forward.

I have done this a little bit in real terms. Sometimes I sleep with the Law of One book 2 when I am feeling particularly bothered. I also use the Law of One book 2 whenever I meditate. It is also relevant to praying... which is one of those things I don't always do. But do intend to do daily. 

But I have not previously consciously considered the relevance of negative beings and I have decided that perhaps I should. After this experience specifically.

Two; one of the things that I have found actually does help is philosophy. I had an insight from a youtube covering Simone Weil. Simone talked about how there is something within us that desires to be obedient to something larger than ourselves. She talks about how freedom is not a thing that is definitively desireable. That many people that have a lot of bad options are not as happy as those with fewer good options that align with their value system. 

This is the first real doubts I have had about the desireability of long term freedom. I am not saying that limits of freedom need to be imposed by a state. Maybe a community or some other thing. But I have come significantly away from the kind of liberal belief that freedom in all cases is a force for good.  

This lead me to an insight into when I played music. I was far younger. And I was a leftist. Or I hadn't thought about politics that much. But with that viewpoint. With that model of reality made from teenage soaps like the OC. I trusted in the goodness of authority and believed if I made music my life might turn out in a good way based on the benevolence of authority and society.

Since I crashed out of that centrist kind of opinion. I do not have any faith in authority. I do not trust that if I put my all into music and don't think of things further, society will look after me and make a way for me in music. I do not have faith in society. I am older now so I wouldn't expect that due to age. But this problem started up when I was still of the age I could make a good career in music. (Assuming the music industry wasn't completely rigged).

And since having this insight. My music has suddenly improved. It has more life and power. 

Further insights.

I see Simone Weil, like I referred to previously. As someone of the rough angelic quality of Carla Rueckert. Her insights are powerful. I should do an article on her potentially but, I don't think I could cover her better than the video from Joe Folly, whose youtube channel is 'unsolicited advice'. 

The point being is that I feel that philosophy somehow provides protection against these things. In some way it orders the mind with insights that give something or explain something to a person. These are people that lived in our world rife with negative greeting. And they thrived. So their perspectives must have some merit. 

Anyway, that's all for the moment.  

 

Modern TV

Relative success spiritually. Two things. First, I started drinking purely water a month or so back. Since then I have had dreams almost daily. Before then some of my dreams were strung out with two weeks between them. I feel that water genuinely keeps me attached to my 'higher self', so to speak. 

Secondly, I finally pushed ahead with a set of dreams I have been stuck on for a while. I feel like I should have pushed on it quicker. But there is a specific month of dreams (I interpret them in months) that I have been stuck on for about six months when it normally takes a week or so. It is very rewarding doing this. If you struggle with a part of dream interpretation. It means that the guidance it was giving was not something that you were able to easily arrive at yourself. For months, with these dreams, I did not get what they meant. 

With free will. The spirits will not give us things we do not get to part of the way ourselves. It's like, if we realise the path is down here, the spirits can help with the little things like 'don't eat the poisonous berries on the walk'. But they can't tell us to walk down the path initially. Since if they did, we would not be doing it from our genuine selves, but only a cerebral understanding of what was required. So we would not have the energy to do it. 

So with these dreams, different parts of the dreams at different times I have thought over. But to finally put it together now adds up to a whole bunch of useable information. 

Where it has gone is that it seems to be relating to other things I am understanding at the moment. I am looking at astrology. Interestingly, Simone Weil. Who talked about human psychology as all philosophers basically do I suppose. I am finding parts of my own psychology that I also see in behaviours I don't understand in other people. So, that does kind of lead in the direction of us all being One. Or a mirror. 

Anyway, I am still not that far on my Simone Weil understandings. So I will not write anything in my blog about them yet. Although I do find her to be very profound. If Carla Rueckert had a past life. It could be Simone Weil. She is of the same type of quality. 

Anyway, a bit more of a blog on a shallow topic today:

Youtube: Emily Butler: Why Does Modern Storytelling Feel So Empty?: August 28th 2026:

https://youtu.be/5jYn0m7x7RE?si=NmD8JVTEITbX9t05

I... don't even know where to being with this. I actually watched this video a few days ago and can't remember her precise points. But, the absolute mess that modern film making is today. It is exhausting. 

It has also expanded to a lot of areas. Fiction books, music, a lot of areas just have come down quite amazingly in quality. 

It really seems to come down to me is just the results of a dying society. The results of constant cost cutting. A few examples:

The Boys: Started out as an interesting take on superheroes. Was destroyed for many reasons. But the writers specifically hated Trump and all Trump voters. In the out takes. They were swearing at the fans. These people are ideologically captured and that kind of ideology does not make good stories. 

Star Trek Discovery: When I watched this, I watched about ten minutes and in those ten minutes. The characters dissolved into arguing exactly like children. It was insulting to even watch. This show had a black woman called 'Michael' as the main character. It was also again, heavily based on liberals view of fascism and such. The Klingons were made into these kind of Nationalist characters. 

The 4400: An older and so better series. The show was powerful and interesting. But in the fourth season the whole thing completely dissolved and the nuanced stories disappeared. It all became annoying and simplistic. In ways that I can barely even describe. 

All the shows that were stopped after one or two seasons. I don't know why these show writers just can't make longer shows. Star Trek Deep Space Nine had a very unimpressive first season. It didn't really kick off until Season 5. That's 26 episodes a season. Over the long term cancelling shows so quickly makes people lose interest in new shows. 

The Scream films: The early films were great, the more they have gone on the weirder they have become. It sounds like there were two very daring ideas. One was to have the antagonist win in Scream 4 and then in Scream 5, she would be the one hunted. They didn't do that. Another was to have the hero from Scream 5 and 6 to become the villain in Scream 7. But she said something pro Gaza so Hollywood canned her. 

The films are obviously dying from lack of originality and recycled characters getting too old for the show. 

The Star Wars films: Just became incredibly dumb. It became a girl boss franchise because Daisy Ridleys character was good at everything without any explanation as to how her character learned those skills (Like flying the Millennium Falcon!)

The Terminator films: The new ones are just bizarre. They are not girl boss bizarre. Not political really. They just don't have any particular "soul" to them. Somehow the stakes aren't real. It doesn't seem to matter if the good characters die. 

The new Jurassic Park films: Just crap. The original is so much better. The original has way better graphics.  

The Avengers is kind of engaging, you can put it on while you are doing something else.  

The Sarah Connor Chronicles was an exception. This was a good show with some fantastic ideas and scenes. But of course it was killed after Season 2. Nobody, John Wick, Breaking Bad, were perhaps exceptions. But almost every film and series is just crap. 

There was a golden age of cinema in about 2000. Gladiator. Terminator 2. Arnold Schwarzenegger films. The Matrix. The Lord of The Rings trilogy. 

Terminator 2 I have formative memories of. The intense danger of that show feels somehow profound. It was the opposite of what shows are today. Everything felt "real". 

This all, is just one of those 'life' things, and the problem, as I see it, is that Hollywood, and the movie and tv show industries. Are obviously not getting any real consequence for shoveling out bad shows. 

It all feels like a bit of a "violation". It is obvious that 'creativity' is almost like another universe, another world. There are good writers out there that would bring forth whatever message that realm wants to communicate at the moment. But it is all being blocked by all this stuff. 

Reflections on sexuality and psychology.

Before I begin I want to go back on something I said previously. I floated the idea in a previous blog that the way for a person to discipline themselves to meditate is to do it the same time everyday. I have decided this is not the right idea for me personally. My health issues are too unpredictable for this to be useful to me, and eventually, this same mechanism starts to prevent meditation. If it is 9am or 6pm I don't want to meditate because: "I only meditate at 1pm." 

The way to get myself to do anything seems to still be to just force myself to do that thing. It is a weird feature of my consciousness that I follow rules I have laid out mentally to the letter. So I said on this blog I only meditate at 1pm and so I have only meditated at 1pm until I state otherwise. I do not want to state one thing on this blog and do another as that would be hypocrisy. (An old paranoia I have relating to the Law of One's statements along these same lines. "If you do not learn what you are teaching" etc.)

I realise that ideally people will just take what is useful to them and this might be overly fastidious but it is apparently how my brain works.  

Todays video:

Youtube: Jaclyn Proper: Dark Sexual Fantasies Explained: Trauma, Shadow Work and Kink. April 9th 2025.

https://youtu.be/jDDKH1_cDyQ?si=6OW9M4dW6F8iqj6K

I have a human design position that talks about this. Gate 58.2 in my conscious Neptune:

A genius for perverse stimulation that afflicts oneself and others by promoting degeneracy and reducing joy to indulgence and decadence.

Trying to get away from, what are my fairly perverse fantasies. Trying to intellectualise and separate myself from my fantasies. Only to be snapped back by my guidance. 

Laying out the kink. 

I wanted to spend this blog exploring the idea of sexual kinks and such and wondering if and how they reflect into our larger sexual life, and if knowledge can be taken from that. Having an ability to talk on these matters I imagine would be useful in dealing with women. Women love their psychologising of everything. So if you were to say that sexual kinks mean something it might be a good avenue into seeing if a woman is into you. Because if she recoils you know she is not. And getting her to talk about the subject at all. 

It is a subject I do not want to talk about really. My last substack. I had a whole post where I suddenly talked about said fantasies, and after that I could not return to substack. So I opened this blog again and posted a link to here. But I realise that talking about fantasies generally is probably going to be difficult. I cannot talk with authority outside my own and so giving examples like: "If a person has x fantasy" when it is obviously me. Is an exercise in ridiculousness and feels mildly cowardly. 

So I will give mild non specific examples of my own fantasy. And then I will talk about some of my own thoughts about why we get these fantasies. It will include Evopsych more than this creator has used. I don't think women naturally like EvoPsych as it lends more authority to the real physical world and does not assume an authoritative dominance of ones emotional state. You get some women that do use it, but it is not their first instinct I suspect. It will also include more of a kind of 'will to power' linked Nietzschean psychology.  

So, my fantasy is kind of strange. It is kind of uber complex. As someone with Schizophrenic tendencies, that you might call Schizoid. I have extremely complex fantasies that are more like stories. I heard once from a woman who talked about porn called 'Red Head Redemption'. That male fantasies are simple. Blond with big tits. Female fantasies are these long drawn out emotional things. Well, then my fantasies are female. 

So, talking vaguely, my fantasies are about female sadism. I think the sadism is the core. It has various other links that kind of look like other things, but are not. So humiliation is part of that. But there is as point my masculinity won't tolerate the humiliation. I would not dress in female underwear or be walked around like a dog as an example. Because if a women tried that on me, in my mind at least, I would hit her so hard she would never get up. 

The fantasies tend to involve things like groups of girls clanning together to create bullying dynamics - using gossipy psychological tactics and such. While also including guys in this. The influence of the guys is something that my internal model has slowly included more and more of and this comes from talking to people about sexuality and trying to get an accurate model of how these things could actually happen. Women often don't have a tendency towards sexual sadism (or, I think with women they often simply indulge said tendencies and don't think of them in any real depth, they don't allow themselves to see that they get off the sadism element of it!) BUT, if a guy they are into wants them to do it they will do it and then they will enjoy it. They will 'yield' to their boyfriends bully they are cheating with, as an example. 

The reasons? 

So this is where I think some of those ideas come from:

A) Evopsych: I have been quite ill most of my life. I am getting way better now. The physical problems I had before did actually put me in a constantly stressed state and I do feel often inspired my kind if 'reptilian' primal mind. 

My thought on this is that the bodies mission is to reproduce. But there are all sorts of things that can get in the way of this. I think the body tries to get around the barriers created by the mind and the real world. So with me, I am in a weak position. These fantasies are close to submission. The body wants to reproduce and figures the most likely way for that to happen is to meet a dominant girl. So it pushes the mind to fantasise about this stuff to increase the chances of reproduction.

Also, going along with this then. Guy that are naturally strong and always have been naturally strong are likely to fantasize more about forcing themselves on the woman. And it also explains a little womens desire to be 'forced' in fantasy terms. If they generally dislike men, and are actively pushing them away, which many women do; then the body calculates that if they are forced then they still get to reproduce.  

B) A need for truth. 

One of my fantasies that jumped out of nowhere that was incredibly sadistic and even shocking to me. One that went into the area of pain without a lot of sexual satisfaction until way later in the story. Came to me after dealing with a woman that... just hated me. Not only did I experience it (although in subtle ways with plausible deniability!). But I could feel it from her. 

While a lot of my fantasies involve complex mind games involving a lot of people (this also might be trying to bring reality in because this is how women operate, through gossip and secrecy). There is usually a "mask off" moment. A party where everything is revealed in one fell swoop for maximum psychological pain. 

I think some of this might have come from my experience of constantly dealing with women that have bullied me in some manner. It has, in fact, happened a lot. And a lot of the time it has happened, the girls involved have shown some sexual interest at the same time. 

It reminds me of a Bob Dylan line in a song called 'Positively 4th Street'. "And you know as well as me. You'd rather see me paralysed. Why don't you just come out once and scream it!" A lot of these experiences feel like just ongoing teasing and part of me just wants a "mask off" moment with these experiences. 

People crave truth on a very fundamental level. 

C) Childhood experiences.

In reading the Law of One. I came across Carla Rueckerts brief discussions on sex. She said, and I think the idea was discussed in the Law of One. That a persons earliest experiences are what kind of sets them for their later adult experiences. So the example she gave was a man that when he was a young boy, was tied up with other children in a childhood game. In trying to get out of this he was turned on, perhaps rubbing up against the girls or something. This set him up to only be able to be turned on by being tied up. Some guys are like that. They only get turned on by their kink. They are not turned on by normal sex. 

For me this was definitely true. Although I do not want to give details. 

D) Normal anxieties and fears reflecting into the psyche. 

Other possibilities here might be, so in a cuckolding example. That the guy has a subconscious fear and understanding of the brutality of other men and determination for sex. Their willingness to engage in violence. So they fantasize about giving his girlfriend to the guy to placate them. To show their value to the tribe. To not be aggressed on etc.

Another in the same area might be that a guy is inexperienced and badly wants his girlfriend to experience real pleasure. He calculates that if she does not experience real pleasure she will leave him. Or some other bad thing will occur. And he does not think he can do it himself. Perhaps he lacks a certain ferocity. So the fantasy becomes about her getting off with someone else. 

Healing of these things.

I don't think these things can be healed. I don't think any single thing you can do will change your fantasy one iota. I have noticed that when I go to the gym these fantasies change a bit. Sometimes, I am suddenly more dominant in a fantasy I expected to be submissive in. Even to the extent that I suddenly change roles. I am not the person receiving the sadism, but the person scheming to bring sadism to an unsuspecting man from the women in his life. 

But that is not a big change really. The bump in testosterone didn't change that much really, and the previous more submissive version will probably return.  

I have often thought to myself that the pure quantity and breadth of human sexuality cannot be enacted in a life if one does not want to toxify it. Fantasies, like cuckolding, rape, and worse, are the kind of things that probably have to stay in the mind. I doubt one can bring the bullying, and jealousy dynamics of cuckolding into ones life without screwing up said relationships and life. Women who dream of being violated would probably never recover if it really happened because the actual experience would be nothing like the fantasy. 

For this reason. I have often thought of writing erotic fiction on these sorts of things. But, simply put, I need a woman to engage with me about this in order to do that. I cannot explore these ideas in a compete vacuum. I need a woman, and potentially even more people. To say 'yes this is realistic, no this is not, yes this thing is a turn on, yes I did that.' Before a woman did say to me 'I would do that if my lover asked me to'. I did not put together that if I wanted a girl to do perverse stuff in the story the guy had to push it, and she gets turned on by turning on the guy. 

In my real life I have very little access to sexuality and this is probably the problem for a lot of men. In fact I know, statistically, it is. Female empowerment has tanked relationships as men are now out of work due to DEI hiring. So what we are left with is this thing, sexuality, that creates loads and loads and loads of energetic output and mental fantasies, that has basically nowhere to go. It is not even creating children anymore.

And even a lot of the guys that are married are sexless!  

Whether this can be leveraged into self knowledge or if it is just additional noise, to be kind of ignored and maybe prayed away. I don't know.  

Gate 59, todays transit.

Oof, had a couple of days where I just was not sleeping properly. Four days of either very bad (physical medical issue) or lack of sleep. In quite the anxiety state. But I slept last night. Hallelujah. 

The issue I was having, although it seemed like a very physical issue. It had a very physical cause and effect. Once I did a Communion. I had a big insight into a decision I had made. Then I slept properly. I cannot prove the emotional issue was responsible for the sleep issue. But it seemed to be. 

Anyway, this is the human design for the eclipse of today. I have reflected on this previously. But now we have actually gotten here, I have more insight into it.

Trying to figure it out before, I realise I have not put enough emphasis on the 59th gate.

Two people in my life, in which there was a long term issue of sorts. One of them a conflict, another was a communication issue. But both people involved had... the gate 6 in a prominent part of their chart. 

In one instance, the one keeping me awake, it was probably me that was wrong. In the other, well, the only thing I had to do was tell the truth. 

I imagine that this eclipse has something to do with Lindsay Clancy on a larger level. Since she is the main thing happening politically she would be hooking into the transits. But I can't really see where she is here. 

The women supporting Lindsay, whom are really getting pushback now. Having their boyfriends break up with them and things. The feminists. These people might be shown by the gate 6 which the gate 59 is receiving. Feminism is very like 'starting a fight' (conflict, gate 6), and then most of the time people won't push back. This time, with the Lindsay Clancy issue, they are pushing back.