Reflections on sexuality and psychology.

Before I begin I want to go back on something I said previously. I floated the idea in a previous blog that the way for a person to discipline themselves to meditate is to do it the same time everyday. I have decided this is not the right idea for me personally. My health issues are too unpredictable for this to be useful to me, and eventually, this same mechanism starts to prevent meditation. If it is 9am or 6pm I don't want to meditate because: "I only meditate at 1pm." 

The way to get myself to do anything seems to still be to just force myself to do that thing. It is a weird feature of my consciousness that I follow rules I have laid out mentally to the letter. So I said on this blog I only meditate at 1pm and so I have only meditated at 1pm until I state otherwise. I do not want to state one thing on this blog and do another as that would be hypocrisy. (An old paranoia I have relating to the Law of One's statements along these same lines. "If you do not learn what you are teaching" etc.)

I realise that ideally people will just take what is useful to them and this might be overly fastidious but it is apparently how my brain works.  

Todays video:

Youtube: Jaclyn Proper: Dark Sexual Fantasies Explained: Trauma, Shadow Work and Kink. April 9th 2025.

https://youtu.be/jDDKH1_cDyQ?si=6OW9M4dW6F8iqj6K

I have a human design position that talks about this. Gate 58.2 in my conscious Neptune:

A genius for perverse stimulation that afflicts oneself and others by promoting degeneracy and reducing joy to indulgence and decadence.

Trying to get away from, what are my fairly perverse fantasies. Trying to intellectualise and separate myself from my fantasies. Only to be snapped back by my guidance. 

Laying out the kink. 

I wanted to spend this blog exploring the idea of sexual kinks and such and wondering if and how they reflect into our larger sexual life, and if knowledge can be taken from that. Having an ability to talk on these matters I imagine would be useful in dealing with women. Women love their psychologising of everything. So if you were to say that sexual kinks mean something it might be a good avenue into seeing if a woman is into you. Because if she recoils you know she is not. And getting her to talk about the subject at all. 

It is a subject I do not want to talk about really. My last substack. I had a whole post where I suddenly talked about said fantasies, and after that I could not return to substack. So I opened this blog again and posted a link to here. But I realise that talking about fantasies generally is probably going to be difficult. I cannot talk with authority outside my own and so giving examples like: "If a person has x fantasy" when it is obviously me. Is an exercise in ridiculousness and feels mildly cowardly. 

So I will give mild non specific examples of my own fantasy. And then I will talk about some of my own thoughts about why we get these fantasies. It will include Evopsych more than this creator has used. I don't think women naturally like EvoPsych as it lends more authority to the real physical world and does not assume an authoritative dominance of ones emotional state. You get some women that do use it, but it is not their first instinct I suspect. It will also include more of a kind of 'will to power' linked Nietzschean psychology.  

So, my fantasy is kind of strange. It is kind of uber complex. As someone with Schizophrenic tendencies, that you might call Schizoid. I have extremely complex fantasies that are more like stories. I heard once from a woman who talked about porn called 'Red Head Redemption'. That male fantasies are simple. Blond with big tits. Female fantasies are these long drawn out emotional things. Well, then my fantasies are female. 

So, talking vaguely, my fantasies are about female sadism. I think the sadism is the core. It has various other links that kind of look like other things, but are not. So humiliation is part of that. But there is as point my masculinity won't tolerate the humiliation. I would not dress in female underwear or be walked around like a dog as an example. Because if a women tried that on me, in my mind at least, I would hit her so hard she would never get up. 

The fantasies tend to involve things like groups of girls clanning together to create bullying dynamics - using gossipy psychological tactics and such. While also including guys in this. The influence of the guys is something that my internal model has slowly included more and more of and this comes from talking to people about sexuality and trying to get an accurate model of how these things could actually happen. Women often don't have a tendency towards sexual sadism (or, I think with women they often simply indulge said tendencies and don't think of them in any real depth, they don't allow themselves to see that they get off the sadism element of it!) BUT, if a guy they are into wants them to do it they will do it and then they will enjoy it. They will 'yield' to their boyfriends bully they are cheating with, as an example. 

The reasons? 

So this is where I think some of those ideas come from:

A) Evopsych: I have been quite ill most of my life. I am getting way better now. The physical problems I had before did actually put me in a constantly stressed state and I do feel often inspired my kind if 'reptilian' primal mind. 

My thought on this is that the bodies mission is to reproduce. But there are all sorts of things that can get in the way of this. I think the body tries to get around the barriers created by the mind and the real world. So with me, I am in a weak position. These fantasies are close to submission. The body wants to reproduce and figures the most likely way for that to happen is to meet a dominant girl. So it pushes the mind to fantasise about this stuff to increase the chances of reproduction.

Also, going along with this then. Guy that are naturally strong and always have been naturally strong are likely to fantasize more about forcing themselves on the woman. And it also explains a little womens desire to be 'forced' in fantasy terms. If they generally dislike men, and are actively pushing them away, which many women do; then the body calculates that if they are forced then they still get to reproduce.  

B) A need for truth. 

One of my fantasies that jumped out of nowhere that was incredibly sadistic and even shocking to me. One that went into the area of pain without a lot of sexual satisfaction until way later in the story. Came to me after dealing with a woman that... just hated me. Not only did I experience it (although in subtle ways with plausible deniability!). But I could feel it from her. 

While a lot of my fantasies involve complex mind games involving a lot of people (this also might be trying to bring reality in because this is how women operate, through gossip and secrecy). There is usually a "mask off" moment. A party where everything is revealed in one fell swoop for maximum psychological pain. 

I think some of this might have come from my experience of constantly dealing with women that have bullied me in some manner. It has, in fact, happened a lot. And a lot of the time it has happened, the girls involved have shown some sexual interest at the same time. 

It reminds me of a Bob Dylan line in a song called 'Positively 4th Street'. "And you know as well as me. You'd rather see me paralysed. Why don't you just come out once and scream it!" A lot of these experiences feel like just ongoing teasing and part of me just wants a "mask off" moment with these experiences. 

People crave truth on a very fundamental level. 

C) Childhood experiences.

In reading the Law of One. I came across Carla Rueckerts brief discussions on sex. She said, and I think the idea was discussed in the Law of One. That a persons earliest experiences are what kind of sets them for their later adult experiences. So the example she gave was a man that when he was a young boy, was tied up with other children in a childhood game. In trying to get out of this he was turned on, perhaps rubbing up against the girls or something. This set him up to only be able to be turned on by being tied up. Some guys are like that. They only get turned on by their kink. They are not turned on by normal sex. 

For me this was definitely true. Although I do not want to give details. 

D) Normal anxieties and fears reflecting into the psyche. 

Other possibilities here might be, so in a cuckolding example. That the guy has a subconscious fear and understanding of the brutality of other men and determination for sex. Their willingness to engage in violence. So they fantasize about giving his girlfriend to the guy to placate them. To show their value to the tribe. To not be aggressed on etc.

Another in the same area might be that a guy is inexperienced and badly wants his girlfriend to experience real pleasure. He calculates that if she does not experience real pleasure she will leave him. Or some other bad thing will occur. And he does not think he can do it himself. Perhaps he lacks a certain ferocity. So the fantasy becomes about her getting off with someone else. 

Healing of these things.

I don't think these things can be healed. I don't think any single thing you can do will change your fantasy one iota. I have noticed that when I go to the gym these fantasies change a bit. Sometimes, I am suddenly more dominant in a fantasy I expected to be submissive in. Even to the extent that I suddenly change roles. I am not the person receiving the sadism, but the person scheming to bring sadism to an unsuspecting man from the women in his life. 

But that is not a big change really. The bump in testosterone didn't change that much really, and the previous more submissive version will probably return.  

I have often thought to myself that the pure quantity and breadth of human sexuality cannot be enacted in a life if one does not want to toxify it. Fantasies, like cuckolding, rape, and worse, are the kind of things that probably have to stay in the mind. I doubt one can bring the bullying, and jealousy dynamics of cuckolding into ones life without screwing up said relationships and life. Women who dream of being violated would probably never recover if it really happened because the actual experience would be nothing like the fantasy. 

For this reason. I have often thought of writing erotic fiction on these sorts of things. But, simply put, I need a woman to engage with me about this in order to do that. I cannot explore these ideas in a compete vacuum. I need a woman, and potentially even more people. To say 'yes this is realistic, no this is not, yes this thing is a turn on, yes I did that.' Before a woman did say to me 'I would do that if my lover asked me to'. I did not put together that if I wanted a girl to do perverse stuff in the story the guy had to push it, and she gets turned on by turning on the guy. 

In my real life I have very little access to sexuality and this is probably the problem for a lot of men. In fact I know, statistically, it is. Female empowerment has tanked relationships as men are now out of work due to DEI hiring. So what we are left with is this thing, sexuality, that creates loads and loads and loads of energetic output and mental fantasies, that has basically nowhere to go. It is not even creating children anymore.

And even a lot of the guys that are married are sexless!  

Whether this can be leveraged into self knowledge or if it is just additional noise, to be kind of ignored and maybe prayed away. I don't know.  

Gate 59, todays transit.

Oof, had a couple of days where I just was not sleeping properly. Four days of either very bad (physical medical issue) or lack of sleep. In quite the anxiety state. But I slept last night. Hallelujah. 

The issue I was having, although it seemed like a very physical issue. It had a very physical cause and effect. Once I did a Communion. I had a big insight into a decision I had made. Then I slept properly. I cannot prove the emotional issue was responsible for the sleep issue. But it seemed to be. 

Anyway, this is the human design for the eclipse of today. I have reflected on this previously. But now we have actually gotten here, I have more insight into it.

Trying to figure it out before, I realise I have not put enough emphasis on the 59th gate.

Two people in my life, in which there was a long term issue of sorts. One of them a conflict, another was a communication issue. But both people involved had... the gate 6 in a prominent part of their chart. 

In one instance, the one keeping me awake, it was probably me that was wrong. In the other, well, the only thing I had to do was tell the truth. 

I imagine that this eclipse has something to do with Lindsay Clancy on a larger level. Since she is the main thing happening politically she would be hooking into the transits. But I can't really see where she is here. 

The women supporting Lindsay, whom are really getting pushback now. Having their boyfriends break up with them and things. The feminists. These people might be shown by the gate 6 which the gate 59 is receiving. Feminism is very like 'starting a fight' (conflict, gate 6), and then most of the time people won't push back. This time, with the Lindsay Clancy issue, they are pushing back.

The path is straight and narrow.

Karen Mitchells psychopathy research. 

All day, I have been drafting in my head, an incredibly intense blog, taking in information from a women called Karen Mitchell. Who wrote a new book on psychopaths - or what she calls Persistently Predatory Personalities. Upending a lot of what is said about them. Adding in a lot of research and context which takes an understanding of them. An understanding of this subset of conscienceless people. Far closer to what the Law of One talked about in terms of service to others entities.

When I was young, a teenager, I got really interested in psychopaths. I have brought a lot of books on the subject. But what they talked about was a creature that was a different thing, it was nowhere near what the Law of One conceived of as 'service to self' behaviours. 

Karens perspective is that these types of people are strongly, strongly averse to any revelation of the kind of people they are and so, a lot of them go into psychopathy research and intentionally skew it. One source that she quotes says that about 85% of their behaviours and energy goes towards making sure they are hidden from the world. So they will go to a charity and not even do any of their evil deeds at that charity, since the charity for them is serving only one function. They will create entire marriages just to shield themselves from scrutiny. 

I was then going to branch out and think about what that might mean for our society. Because for me, it changes the perspective. As I read this, it changes my perspective on what societal problems really are. A lot of people think the problem is ideological capture, or sin of one description or another (lust, greed), maybe lack of tradition and familial and community connections. But for me, understanding these personalities shifts my perspective on a lot of what the problems might really be and what is needed to fix it. Even in traditional societies, these types would have existed. It may have been what has caused a good amount of the fuel for feminism (both the trauma of male abusers keeping women in marriages, and sociopaths then becoming part of feminist causes).

This expanded out into political and various sociological thoughts which I have decided are of a transcient nature. So I wanted to focus on what we might experience during this specific moment in history. I don't think it would be an understatement to say that a lot of our society is dysfunctional. With things like a broken economy. It is dysfunctional in a way that cannot be ignored. In a way that interferes with our lives even if we want to stay away from 'transcient' matters! 

Powerlessness.

Focusing on myself but I am SURE that my experience is relevant to many others. (But not every other!) There really isn't a lot that I can physically do to change my circumstances in any meaningful way. I cannot get a job. I have a medical issue limiting me from some roles. The jobs I apply for I barely even get responses to for years on end. 

A similar thing, a similar lack of power goes for both potential intimate relationships and friendships. I suppose it is not 100% that if I approached a girl and such it would go badly. There are lots of degenerate unemployed that do sleep with a load of girls (but even that is not necessarily a thing of motion. A thing that grows into a productive relationship!). But, to me, it is highly likely this would be the case, and if you add in disability, and the lack of previous experience, as an issue, it makes the whole thing even more difficult. Friendships are somewhat similar. My life is limited due to the disability and the issues it creates where a lot of my friends have a lot going on - they have grown up and become adults with responsibilities. My power over those situations is not particularly high - I might not meet them for years on end if they have other things going on. Not least because I don't have any particular leverage in these situations.

That sounds like moaning doesn't it? Maybe it is. But it is also serving to illustrate something that is relevant to this post. My relative position of powerlessness. Both the bible and the Law of One though, mention the straight and narrow path. I have often come back to this teaching in thinking things over.

What do I have power over then?

While, it is not much, in the everyday sense of the world. These are not things that have real material effects. I do think there are things I do have power over and that I can do that may eventually improve my situation. 

The gym. My stats are unchanging. I have one of those good scales that measures everything like body fat, bone density, muscles mass etc. None of my stats are changing. They are going up and down but not changing. Nevertheless, they do not need to. Changing myself into someone that exercises regularly is a long process, and I am reliably able to get to the gym. 

The gym is one of those things that you can work at for a long time, an annoyingly long time apparently, and not see much change. Then suddenly, you do. So the gym is one of those things that you just plug away at and then perhaps later get results. You do the same thing every week. So it is like a straight and narrow path. Only improving on basic things in relation to it. Like nutrition or stretching or other surrounding things. 

Dream interpretation, the Law of One, and philosophical teachings: All of which take up a position that gains very powerful insights. Extremely positive and powerful perspectives. But none of it can necessarily be translated to material success except indirectly. You feel better in the day so you are more active or more engaged perhaps. 

The insights I get from dream interpretation are really next level. They give me insights into people that those people would not suspect. 

The only other area is meditation, prayer and affirmations. So spiritual practices that are a little more grounded.

In a sense, in a situation where I am powerless, any of these particular practices might mean a breakthrough or might allow me to take advantage of changes in the political landscape.

Same for everyone?

Even though as I said I have friends who have more going on in their lives. More 'adult responsibilities'. This does not mean they have more power. If someone has a child for instance, they are controlled by the childs needs, a similar thing once you have a business, money and bills. 

Continuing reflections on Session 5.2.

Fun Science Fiction. 

Before I go on, I want to say something that will come back later. I have recently finished watching 'Twelve Monkeys'. It is a very good show in relation to todays TV shows. Of which, in my view, outside of a few gems, often has a lot of shortcuts and lack of coherence and such. 

Twelve Monkeys is the same in a way. The time travel storyline and emotional arc of the characters turns out to not make a lot of sense in my view. But the story is well enough put together to be good and there are some genuinely creative ideas in it.

One of them is the red forest. In this show, when a time travel paradox is created. It changes a forest from normal to red. Meaning the plants and such are all red. If people then take the leaves of these plants and put them in tea. They can time travel. Or time travel/ have a psychedelic experience. It is kind of both. 

What is good in the show though is what a lot of shows do good. They set up the mystery amazingly. The characters are quite interesting. The show is extremely fun with a lot of action scenes. But overwhelmingly. The show creates this sense of mystery. This 'mystique'. You don't know why big things are happening and then some secret group or some time travel thing explains it. 

Emotions and Jealousy.

I mentioned before I am trying to get a handle on the healing advice given by the Law of One in session 5.2. A quick summary is that the first part is to do with finding opposites of emotions and 'balancing' them. The second part is to do with accepting the self. 'It is not for a being of third density to pick and choose among it's attributes'. 

In relation to the first part. The emotion I started with is jealousy. It is just where I intuitively went because it is something I don't have much experience of... I don't think. As in, it might be showing up in my life but I am not identifying it as such. But the sensation, if it is there, is not at all like the way others have shown it to me. I have seen people get aggressive and angry to the object of their jealousy. Which I have not experienced.

My first insight here is that 'what is the opposite of jealousy?' Thinking about another line from the Law of One. When they were describing sexual blockages: The second blockage is orange ray. The desire to be possessed or the desire to possess. Then is the yellow ray. The desire to control of the desire to be controlled. 

So this clearly shows the opposite. Interestingly here 'the desire to be controlled' is not something often discussed in our culture. Because our culture likes victim culture and wants to make out the 'controlling' partner to be the devil incarnate. But I suppose there are a lot of reasons someone would actually want to be controlled. If they don't like making their own decisions and such? Anyway, that is a side note.

So jealousy then, would be the desire for others stuff - it's kind of also for their 'life force' as I have seen it. Or, is the opposite? The desire that others be jealous of you? I do actually experience that. I experience that as a kind of legitimate 'revenge'. If I were successful, then other peoples punishment for what I perceive to be bad/ disrespectful behaviour, would be to be on the sidelines and ignored, feeling jealous of my achievements and life. 

The kind of thing that is very much shortcutted when you have a disability. 

I talk a bit about how I have not had social experiences in my youth and that that is not a good thing. While it has often been a cognitive thing for me. I have set in my mind a pathway that I believed from the mainstream world that was not followed. Go to University type of place. A sequence of friends and girlfriends. Some time lived in a kind of hedonistic existence of working but mostly partying and then settling into a job and such with a long term partner/ wife. The social experiences were a prequel to that. A necessary building block. Without which, none of the rest of it happens. 

But, is it cover for a more emotional experience? As I went walking the dog today I saw two attractive young girls loading a car. Moving or something. The feeling I feel then... Is it jealousy? I don't associate the feeling with jealousy because it is not directed AT anybody. There was a guy with them. That I just didn't care about. I don't look at the guy and hate him and want what he has. When I have experienced people being jealous towards me they hated ME. They would make comments about what I had said about music as an example. Since I genuinely practice. But there is still something there that might be comparable to 'jealousy'. A feeling or something?

It is also related to entitlement. People that feel jealous on some level feel entitled to have the thing that they are jealous about (i.e. music ability). That would seem to be linked in there somewhere. 

Acceptance.

The acceptance side of the equation. When I am in nature, I passionately am reaching for something 'higher' and 'other' than this world. Tolkien once wrote that the value of fantasy is partly to enrich our experience of the world. So if people are reading about talking trees as an example. When they are out walking near trees they might think more about trees.

Linking back to my 'red forest' point at the beginning. There are other shows and books that have increased my thought and curiousity about nature. The weird super mold in The Expanse for example.

But when I am looking around at nature. I am trying to get myself in the moment to experience something 'other' than this world. It is a strong feeling. As I discussed in a previous blog. That kind of power, as talked about in sci fi. Would be able to undo the massive evil we see in the world today. I imagine what it would be like that some weird time travel thing changed and the nature that I am around turns to red. 

In The Expanse. One of the most satisfying things in the book was that the supernatural mold that would do loads of stuff would not be controlled by the very limited and often 'bureaucratic' people in the story. I often experienced when I was younger a desire for something supernatural to 'break the will' of all the people that insisted on living in the real world and rejected the supernatural that I believed existed (I have grown from this now!)

But, this was what I experienced ALL DAY most of yesterday. When I prayed, that feel did go. I do feel it is easier to just appreciate 'what is'. 

So where the 'acceptance' comes in is that I am a spiritual person. I do need to pray daily. That this is just the way it is. While a lot of my intellectualising does not conclude that prayer and that mindset is super important. That is nevertheless part of me. Perhaps a part I struggle to accept. 

Learning the Ways of the Body. 

I got a little bit of an idea what the Law of One was referring to when it talked about understanding your body and then other peoples body. Perhaps this:

Youtube: Proscopa Insights: How To Judge People By How They Look Physionomy Explained: August 1st 2026.

https://youtu.be/p7g65k0Vtiw?si=QhL3k4USn45_rWhW

I recall looking up physiognomy about a decade ago and there was just nothing on it. It appears to have grown in popularity, if you search for a book on Amazon there are now a lot of books on it. 

Anyway, so those are my thoughts for today.  

The basics. Transits.

Every day I see some sort of incredibly evil disgusting thing on social media. I follow rape gang survivors on there. We see the fallout form Lindsay Clancy and other things. 

It has often made me feel powerless. Has often made me reach for a reason for it all. Or if not a reason. Some way to process. Some wisdom that will bring light to it. Even if that wisdom shows something dark. 

Also, when I watch science fiction, and a thing which is also linked in my mind to the kind of tools I talk about on here. I also yearn for a truly spectacular power to become obvious. Like, if you are watching a science fiction film. Then huge global problems get sorted out through things like time travel and ancient prophecies. 

Astrology is one of these things that does feel like it brings along some sort of meaning in that area. Even though so much pain is tied to the way the world is at the moment. Things have palpably shifted now Saturn and Neptune are in Aries. We have gone from the left having control over everything, especially the narrative. Now we have moved to more obvious pushback.

I was not going to talk about this today. It feels too petty, too personal. When I played out some of these annoyances in my mind I just didn't think they were important enough to put into this blog. BUT, then I saw the human design basis for these things. It all added together so perfectly, that it felt like it brings some value. Partly, to show the power of these systems. And in the hope, that these grand transits are slowly showing a pattern, which we can observe. Where evildoers face consequences. Where Gods plan is revealed and the higher positive forces are proven to be powerful, not inert. 

I have mentioned a few times recently how interest in philosophy is something that is taking up my attention. I have mapped out the parts of my life that are relevant to each nodal point. The nodes are important I think. Because they tend to show exactly what behaviours are needed. They relate to the real world. Where the incarnation cross is something we just do whether we intend to or not. We just 'are' our incarnation cross. Whereas, we do or do not do our nodes. 

For me: Conscious North Node in 25.6. Relates to my meditation, spirituality and philosophy. Personality South Node: Gate 46.6: Relates to the classic psychotherapeutic approach. That which can be changed. Your parental story etc. But for me, the behaviour that is relevant here is exercise. Going to the gym. Unconscious North Node: 21.2: The body is very different. The North Node here is less clean but is more powerful. This relates to me to playing music: South node 48.2: This tends to be all the unchangeable darkness. So things that cannot be changed. This is where a persons 'autism' or medical conditions would be. The behaviour here I suspect is paying attention to research on manipulators. Narcissists/ Psychopaths etc. Because where my physical and mental health is less than good, it gives me a vulnerability. 

This is a fairly unique take on the nodes. I built it from pretty much the ground up. 

At the moment, I am feeling a kind of frustration. I thought the Conscious North Node, 25.6 was unchangeable at some point. But now I realise that it has changed. The 'light'. The good stuff. Has moved incrementally for me. It used to be the Law of One and theology. But now it is moving over to philosophy a little. 

The trouble I am getting is that I am getting myself together now. Am interested in philosophy. Am interested in a lot of things. But the world is giving me a big block. At the moment, it has become clear that it is interesting to look into philosophy and other things. But it is close to impossible to communicate any of this to anyone else because... They are just not interested. There are many other anger causing ways this manifests stretching right back into my past and political concerns and such. People 'expect' the kind of left wing egalitarianism mindset. And that is at odds with reality for me. 

And this is where the transit comes in. Transiting Neptune is sitting on Gate 25.6. It is retrograding back over it. Now doesn't that transit just perfectly match the experience I mentioned?

So, there is a very Neptunian block here but there is a solution. That solution is the only thing that feels any good at the moment... The gym! 

Most of the issues that are created in that high level cerebral kind of mindset. Of thinking over philosophy and other things. Can be simply met by a grounded and joy filled celebration of the real world and the body. By going to the gym. It brings in a kind of animal, simplistic, enthusiasm, which is the opposite of that previous energy. 

I believe Neptune transits are very important. They relate to that kind of dream world. To Law of One types of things. 

The two eclipses. Closing up emotional investigation.

Firstly, I have ended my experimentation on 'healing ideas'. Along the lines of where my intuitions were clearly carrying me. 

I was reading this book, which was one I brought more than a decade ago, to look into this area:

An avid leftist this woman is. Although she has toned it down since I checked her blog about five years ago. The first chapter references Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Coleman as a good book. 

Nevertheless, the woman has a skill. She used to be very into energy work which was where I originally found her. She wrote a fantastic book which is still in print despite the fact she no longer believes energy work is real! 

Anyway, so I started reading this and she speaks well and informatively about how emotions work. She starts talking about how emotions can go two ways but we often need to put them along a kind of 'middle way'. So people either repress their emotions, perhaps intending to deal with them later. Or they release them all the time and at inappropriate times. The example she gave, which is quite fitting to the current news cycle. Is getting angry at a baby. 

She says it is never appropriate to get angry at a baby so you need a third avenue. To channel the emotions somehow... You know... Like music! Then when it got to the part where it talks about exercises to access your emotions... Well I could go no further with this book. If my life has given me the perfect way to access my emotions, like I talked about. It is also the only real way I have been able to access my emotions my whole life. Meditation, dream interpretation and the gym are close seconds. Then it seems pretty obvious that music is the way, and it is not useful to pursue other avenues. 

It also feels mildly cowardly to avoid music as an avenue for this, and also lazy, since gaining in music ability to make songs is hard work. The feelings that come out in music are raw and create vulnerability. For instance, I have a song about my sister. It expresses a lot of loving feelings for her. About a sense of misery I have at watching her get lost in politics. I have attempted to excise any positive feeling I have for my sister, with all sorts of ideas and philosophies, because I feel her to be contemptuous of me, the affection I feel is... unreturned, as though I were a nuisance; I have not been able to communicate with her. But the music tells the truth. 

The 12th of August Eclipse:

I believe this to be very significant and will lay out how I think it is working in our lives and in my life:

The aspects for the Sun and Earth:

Sun: 4.2: The recognition of limitation in oneself and others leads to tolerance and the suspension of judgement.

Earth 49.2: The potential to explore every possibility before rejecting. 

It is also worth referencing the entire thing. Conjunct the South Node in Leo would be about expressing warmth and heart but that not being useful. That being an aspect 'of the past'. 

The Sun in gate 4.2 has been very strongly something I have talked about here recently. Recently, I have been reacquainted with a close friend I have known VERY well. Someone I know a great deal of their backstory and how they have acted since they were about four years old. Someone that I would know if they were lying. The realisation I have gotten from this is the reality of mental health issues, like autism and ADHD. I am the kind of person that would not dismiss out of hand the idea that a lot of people talking of these issues are lying for personal gain - as does happen, and as is discussed. But in this case, I know the person well enough. 

The day itself, in the eclipse. I was near a landmark that people were going to to view this eclipse. Hundreds of people. Probably thousands actually. A whole long road with people camped along the whole thing even before you get to the landmark. 

I saw a lot of young people, a lot of couples. A lot of examples of the social experiences I have missed. Hanging out with groups of mixed gender friends. 

The gate 49 is the one that very strongly shows this feeling. I used to get very paranoid around concepts like these. About being deliberately socially ostracised and while I cannot remember exact instances. I suspected strongly the gate 49 is the part of the chart relevant to these feelings for me. I have the 19 hanging on an undefined root in the conscious Earth. Undefined often means it needs support from the world. 

I do not know precisely what that precise line means. But I know the general area it is talking to. The general area is this entire area of socialising. 

To me, it is likely letting go of all this stuff. Even though I have talked about letting go of precisely this. It is easier to make up stories you don't know if they are true when you are not in contact with people. The changes in my life show that this is now becoming a real thing. Letting go of the past... Or not. 

Reflection onto my personal chart:

Obviously the points in this chart effect us personally. My conscious Mars is in gate 4.1. So just next to the Eclipse Sun here. What I think this is, has a huge effect on, is my philosophy, and my investigation and commitment to philosophy. 

Before in my life, as I have previously mentioned here. I read the Law of One, but did not deeply research it and apply it. I also was very connected to David Wilcocks ideas on everything. So all my 'spiritual energy', or maybe it is 'mental energy'. Got lost in unproductive mad thoughts like that. But now that cerebral energy is very relevant to the world. When people bring up moral issues. Which are most of life it sometimes seems. I can run it through philosophy. Which is, ironically, a far more solid contribution to any discussion than conspiracy. 

This is a big change which might reflect on all these things. Ultimately, what I now know. Is that as desireable and sweet as those social connections are. Many, many of them are traps waiting to happen because people don't have a solid commitment to virtue. 

It definitely changes the interaction. Before, I was me and my life force and no real standards. But with the addition of the philosophy, including a proper understanding of the Law of One. There is a change there. Which effects all these issues a great deal.  

The coming Eclipse:

Sun: 59.6: The tendency based on personality or circumstances to accept only temporary unions that may be otherwise impossible or dangerous to continue. - The power of intimacy regardless of conditions. 

Earth 55.6: The possibility of finding the spirit through materialism. 

The goal and mythology of astrology. If astrology was put into a fiction film for instance. Is the accurate and prophetic accounting of the things that are going to happen. Like, what a Nostradamus prophecy is meant to be. 

In practice, I have found that to be close to impossible. Perhaps I am not yet experienced enough for that. Or perhaps it is not possible? It is unlikely I would have had the foresight to explain that entire chain of reasoning on the August 12th eclipse had I not had the experience I had had on August 12th. 

Gate 55 is not connected to anything in my chart. I do not recall a single experience or awareness I have had around the gate 55. Mars in the gate 39 energising transiting Earth in gate 55 should be quite intense, Gate 59 is a little different. People with the gate 59, they do dissolve those barriers. 

These transits could be a movement that makes something new over the failed previous social energies. An entirely new social direction not related to all those thoughts. A relationship perhaps. Not encased in a larger friend group. 

But, I don't know how it will manifest. This ends my thoughts on these transits.  

De- tuning.

I think it is becoming more important for me to stay 'tuned' at this part of my life. 

I had a dream tonight. It was one of those dreams where you know you are dreaming, and you want to get out of the dream, but you cannot. I call entities to get out of that state. But the thing about this dream was that it was not a dream. I was in a completely black space. 

Horrifying obviously if you know what this is hinting at with reference to the Law of One. I think it is a warming. The warning is that I am at a point now where yielding to temptations is going to be costly.

This has happened because, I was doing meditation daily and feeling fantastic. I have also been going to the gym although have missed this week outside of learning stretching (which is more like very light resistance work some of it). 

But as I meditated, and felt great from the exercise. Playing music is a good thing as well. I started to doubt the use of 'prayer'. Wondering if I still need it if I am getting the positive effect of meditation.

When I don't pray. I get a bad luck. I just meet people that are not good luck in the same way. People I don't think I would meet if I were 'protected'. Life just coincidentally works out a bit worse. 

Which is what happened here. One by one small little temptations crept in. I was eating chocolate. I had some wine with my communion, as I felt stressed, and wine a bit later. Then I didn't meditate one of the days, thereby breaking a streak. Caffeine stops me sleeping normally after a short while. I am just not quite as rested. I just can't quite get to a normal level of relaxation. Which I am feeling now. I am feeling the level of relaxation below what it would have been had I had a bar of chocolate. 

It's just a slight thing that leads to another detuning thing and another. But it started with stopping prayer.

I realise this is a very self centered post .While I do mix my experiences with what I am saying in most posts. This has been fully based on myself. But I do think that we all do experience this in some manner. Readers here are most likely to be of this kind of leaning. For you, it might not be caffeine or alcohol that creates the problem. Many people barely respond to caffeine it seems to me. But we all do have our equivalent temptations. And the spiritual journey that we are on is important. Especially as we get it right and thereby, have more power so the negative effects of yielding to temptation are more costly on ourselves and others. 

I am hoping I am getting to the end of these little experiments and will eventually be able to just pray everyday and meditate, either very frequently or every day.