Experiences with suicidal people.

I realise, the way my emotions are going. I'm probably going to be talking about David a little. I feel that this is boring to readers. But the thing is with writing. Is that if you sit down to write a blog and only one subject is in your mind. You can't write anything else. There is a bottleneck effect in many things in this way. 

I suppose the only other option is to not post. 

When are you going to get the money? 

I read from John Christian Spadavecchia (impossible name to spell, that!) That a percentage of Davids income from both any courses he did, went to Chris Beskar. 

When David made his last call to the police department. One of the things that he said is that he was living in poverty and could not eat. 

So effectively what was happening was that every bit of money David had was going to Chris. But that also means that if any of his friends and family gave him money, or even food. They would be indirectly funding Chris Beskar.

It seems to me that David died from a pure stubborn refusal to stop giving his money to that parasite. There can't have been any compelling legal reason for David to give money to Beskar. Since David was not getting anything back from Stavatti despite investing millions of dollars. That means that any contract that the two had, Beskar was in default. Beskars position could be legally challenged. But it doesn't sound like there was a legal situation like that because David had given a whole bunch of money up until that point without any such agreement. 

Comparison to personal situation. 

It brings up memories an older, very similar situation in my personal life. 

I became very close friends with a woman over lockdown. She had serious mental health issues. She had a lot of trouble sleeping. I would talk to her everyday and see her physically a lot. 

A lot of her friends had flatly abandoned her. People that she had thought her friends. That had been friends over decades. Had suddenly stopped seeing her. People over that period, who obeyed authority completely and stopped seeing others, obviously believe there will be no karmic consequence for that. According to the outward evidence, I cannot yet disagree with that. 

She was effectively all alone, but I did see her. Why did I see her? Because I don't have the same political beliefs as all those people. I didn't slightly care about any of the COVID restrictions. The only ones I did pay attention to were the ones that I had to. Like, I had to have a mask. Just to make my life easier. But the second the all seeing eyes was off me I just did what I wanted. It was not a serious thing to me. 

This put her in a bit of a bind as lockdown ended. I was very vocal about my political beliefs at the time. Which I attribute partly to my medical condition. But I was not cool in that sense. I was someone that was inconvenient to hang around. Because she did not like those political beliefs. She liked leftist political beliefs more and was angry I had those. And would specifically mention that her friends had discussed this and disliked my political beliefs. 

I intended to go into this more deeply. But I realised I can summarise it more here. Her decision at this point was to jump into the arms of these friends. The kinds of people that would ignore her in lockdown. Some that did, some that she had not known before lockdown, but would do. And she got nasty/ passive aggressive with me. 

This very much cornered her. Because some of those leftists that she began hanging around with. Were abusive. And she was in an extremely fragile state. I don't know the half of it but suspect this was pretty bad. Including emotional blackmail. She got nastier and nastier with me and... literally... why would I put up with that? Seriously, even if I had known the eventual result. I would not have stayed friends with her. The connection seemed to have no healthy parts of a friendship left. She had sided, conclusively, with people that were open enemies to me.

To be clear, I don't even think being super loyal to me would have been her way out of the situation. She probably needed to go live home with her mother since she couldn't do basic things. She disliked living with her mother because her mother lived too far away from Beachy Head. But in the lack of showing the integrity of some sort of loyalty to me. She, of her own volition, got involved with abusive people. That was her choice and not one she needed to make. Since me and her had no problem that was initiated from my side.  

Free will. 

You know. People have free will. I'm sure if David had said to anyone around him. "You know what, I don't think Stavatti is on the level. I used my great detective skills and super intelligent mind to discern that". I'm sure the many people giving him advice would have said. "You know what, you're probably right!" In a far more emphatic way. "This is how you exit this situation now!"

It is hard to sympathise with these people when they are making such clear decisions in self destructive directions. 

When someone dies in this way. There is often some sort of effort to promote the idea of them as a completely innocent victim. Perhaps this is partly a 'don't speak ill of the dead' thing. But, in life we need to recognise patterns and use what we experience to avoid future dangers and problems. We cannot do that if we are not analysing, with a critical mind, situations like this. 

The fact is, that David made these decisions. I'm sure, being in a room with Chris. Is an extremely frightening thing. There is a certain fear that happens in the presence of sociopaths and malicious intent, that you don't get with even life threatening things that do not have any particular intent. It is a deep and unpleasant fear. 

Maybe my viewpoint here is uninformed. One of the not inconsiderable benefits of not having high status is not having to deal with people out to screw you for whatever benefit comes with high status. People intending to prey on whatever psychological weakness a person happens to have. 

Deeper demonic things.

This though, is what I attribute Davids problems to. It is quite clear from a lot that was said about him that, for a long time, he was coming apart psychologically. It is from a Reddit post I wrote. And explains to me, why Wynn Free, also died at the same time:

For me, the way I look at it is that he was probably influenced by something very negative very early on. I think his forays into the positive protected him a little. But eventually the negative won out. From my experience having a "compulsive" belief I was Don Elkins in a past life (and later on a schizophrenic break and suicide attempt). I think how this happens is that the negative can lay the foundation for that kind of belief, through a lot of stress, and then when the person believes that they were the relevant past life character. They set up an internalised object (from Internal Family Systems) of that character. That can then speak to the person from the negative entity whenever it wants. This then feeds into the subconscious and creates a lot of the things David described. Like having strong dreams that he should be part of Stavatti.

It's "very clever". Because it all feels rather compulsive, positive and internal once the person is hooked in.

But more to your point. From a Law of One perspective obviously, there is a certain charge to doing things like reading the entire Law of One, then committing wholesale to "transcient" subject. Which yes David could very well have drawn afoul of; and is all part of the same story obviously. He could have taken a very different route early on if he had studied the Law of One more seriously.

But had he done that, he would not have associated with Corey either. "As above so below".

I recall there was one moment where he went on holiday and had a dream that people were robbing him. He seemed just close to getting it but then he goes: "Anyway, Stavatti will be getting the money soon". He missed very obvious sign posts. So he was obviously getting a consequence to requesting the information. Talking and teaching on it. But not paying attention to his own dream guidance and such.

For me the original trigger was probably bad health (a serious health condition) pressing on my brain in a way that I was not aware of. For David, it might have been that he got involved in strong psychedelics when he was very young. Like, completely zoned out on mushrooms as a teenager because he stole those drugs from his parents.

This post is marked down to -1 on Reddit. Another one discussing similar powerful inner dynamics is at -7. People on the Law of One reddit keep marking down my posts and then getting upset when I say I do not intend to post there a lot. I only went back to the Law of One Reddit forum to post on David and will not post on any new threads there. Only respond if I have posted on one already made. 

Short ramble.

Just at this moment. My mind has stopped being able to do the things I usually like doing. Because of this David Wilcock thing.

I can't consciously access any particular thoughts on him. But I know that my mind is working on him. So I can't do the normal things I do. Like read the Law of One, the 48 Laws of Power, or another book on Jupiter I have by Liz Greene. I have an instinct that I can get back into that kind of thinking through the right route. Perhaps Human Design. (Perhaps because I can also work on Davids chart, and my own chart, with the emotional elements) But getting back to that kind of thinking of having insights is not as clear as it was before. 

My "internal image" of David has to be updated.  

Also, at the moment, I am feeling a vague kind of frustration. I am close to the end of watching one of the best shows I have ever seen in my life. Person of Interest. The storyline focuses on an AI and it is very intellectual, powerful, adult and layered. 

But reading up on it. I find that like almost every show I have ever watched and enjoyed. It was stopped prematurely for money reasons. It feels a little frustrating. Fiction and science fiction books have been nuked by DEI. Straight white men cannot write books anymore due to Karens in the publishing houses. So any book you see will be written by women. Who have not deserved the place. They are "DEI hires". And women usually write smut anyway. Science fiction now has way more smut in it.

TV shows have this issue. Where because of the demands of the money people. Shows are chopped and changed around and the writers are given contradictory messages. Told there will be six seasons more, then ending it after two seasons (Last two seasons of Stargate SG-1). Fringe had a similar story. It is a similar story with virtually every show.  

I have done well though, with daily meditation and prayer, and some medication. Also, coming off caffeine. To be in a constantly kind of clear state. Which leads me to the question of what exactly can be done with my intellect? 

I think, for me, David's Q- positive narrative meant that I believed the main real world will sort itself out and I do not have to bother with that so much. But his death has meant that suddenly I am not seeing it like that and suddenly I am thinking through ways I could have or should impact the world. This will probably lead to a lot of personal insight. 

Wilcock bites the dust.

So, David Wilcock is reported to have taken his life by shooting himself in the head on the 20th of April. The news has just filtered through to X. 

The type of readers that MAY follow me, from places like the Law of One forum. Even going back a few years. But also might not. Would be interested in that. 

For me, a lot of people are saying how tragic this is. I don't know if I agree with that. I do not think it is explicitly not tragic. But, at the same time. The guy was a bit of a mess, and he had taken a lot of decisions that harmed others. Like financial fraud. 

Even though we don't like to hear of someone doing that when we think they could have gotten out of it another way. It is also true that we live in a world of consequences. Many, many of us want people to experience consequences for their actions. And sometimes this is what that looks like. People have free will, and they can choose to not face consequences, whatever that looks like, when those consequences come knocking. 

David could have removed from Stavatti, sold his house, paid the IRS. But he did not want to do that. We do not know if he ever faced the fact Chris Beskar and Stavatti were lying to him. But he did not want to face those consequences. Did not want to admit that he was wrong. That he had been channeling something nonsensical of even negative. 

He could, of course, not have been in a good frame of mind. He had become extremely schizophrenic. We do not, as a society, actually have resources to help people in that position. I had a family member temporarily committed and he had to pull a patient off an unconscious nurse whom he had just hit and wanted to finish the job, and that was not the only problem. 

I did not know David personally. But I have had the suicide of someone I have known personally. And what I have learned from that situation is that there are never any good, satisfying answers. The people that have the answers, if there are any, will probably not share them. The person doing the suicide, doesn't think their thoughts are interesting enough for anyone to listen to, and they are not always that coherent anyway. Plus, real life is quite complicated. There might be several different reasons. Like, when you are stressed in life you often can't see the real problem, but with hindsight it becomes very obvious. Even if we knew the reason given it would not necessarily satisfy the part of us that questions. 

It is still a bit of a shock though. I had followed David when I was young and that kind of familiarity never goes away completely. I found him before I found the Law of One, I think around when I was 14 years old. When my brain was still forming. More recently, when I would feel myself falling back into his crazy orbit I would go on his detractors a lot. To re- remind myself of the world as it really is. 

Maybe karma.

When I find my microphone. I will do a youtube video on my thoughts on the archetypes. Focusing on how, before the veil, the 9 archetypes were only Matrix, Potentiator and Significator. Now we have the 21, and what the change, what the added extra archetypes, mean. What we can draw from the veiled situation creating those additional archetypes. 

But like I said, I will keep a lot of that away from the blog. Too in depth. 

For me, my health is in a good place from medication that I can finally come off caffeine and oh my god I am tired. I am tired all day. BUT, for the first time in months I am able to sleep AT NIGHT. It seems like the caffeine really was screwing with my circadian rhythm. I need a few days of sleeping at night. At the moment I sleep but I still feel tired in the day. 

There is a strange thing that has happened in England recently. Something that part of me does not want to really talk about. Since, as I have clearly stated, I am not a left wing person. I do not believe in the centralisation of state power and such. I do think Stefan Molyneux, who does not believe in government at all, has got it all right in terms of philosophy. 

However, in the UK there is now a renters bill. During my time I have seen quite disgusting behaviour from landlords. Charging people for things they did not do. Raising rent on people that can't afford it. Allowing problems like mold to stay in houses. A lot of houses have a real attitude about people on 'welfare'. Or who have pets. - I have seen a lot of cases where people had to throw out pets because a new landlord would not have them. 

Rather like how the tech bros in California, who had been promoting leftism for decades. Suddenly got upset when they were getting taxed huge rates. Some pushback on the constant behaviour of landlords is welcome in my view. 

I am not saying I agree with it. Or that I have looked carefully at the other side. I am just saying, that from a lot of individual cases I have seen. It is really highly positive. So many animals will no longer be put to death because of this. And animals, pets, can really add a lot of peoples lives. They can alleviate the most crushing loneliness and misery.  

Luckily, I personally am not a philosopher. Philosophy DOES have to have some sort of opinion on things like property rights. So it's just one of those interesting things I observe as I get on with the rest of my life.  

Piercing archetypes.

I have moved on a bit with my understanding, from the Law of One, on archetypes. It is hard work, I would say. It is hard mental work. Some of the lines I read I'm like... "Ah... I'll need a day to absorb that." In the later sessions, the insights like that would be almost every line. I can see why Don might have had trouble integrating all of that learning. 

But there is a problem with this. I am worrying a little about free will all of a sudden. I do not want to express many of my thoughts on it here. I might carry on with a few youtube videos on the Law of One and major arcana. But videos can only convey basic information - and they make things seem simple. The kind of information that could be conveyed via blogging, which includes a deeper emotional communication. I don't think would be OK to explain at this moment. 

There is a line in the Law of One that says something like if you study the archetypes you can really screw with peoples free will. Because of this, when I am out walking, I am starting to flip between different archetypes. But when I am with someone, I don't even allow my thoughts to go there. I think I am in the Significator most of the time. But I get moments and insights from the other two I have thought over (Matrix and Potentiator). How all these link together can also be run via the Human Design in general, and mine or others human design. So I had an insight yesterday about how one of the hexagrams from the Matrix of the Mind, gate 21, feeds directly into the Significator of the mind gate 45. 

It kind of makes sense how you can mess with someones free will with this. Because if my human design links with someone elses human design. Then if I move into a new archetype and emphasize something different. This can then link to their human design. A lot of these connections are kind of compulsive. 

But, the real world is also a thing. These concepts are interesting. But the real world is... also important. 

I do not know yet what real world application this information will have. But one thing I have brought recently is "The 48 Laws of Power."  

When I first learned about this book I had the assumption that it was like "service to self" guidebook. But there are a lot of books that are dressed up in that kind of language that are not really that. The real service to self books. Like Saul Aulinsky's "Rules for Radicals". Are not that. 

Anything politically left is the service to self, and I believe it to be the first stop for students of that polarity. Pol Pot, the leader of the Khmer Rouge. Studied at the Frankfurt school; and used explicitly that wisdom in his genocides.

What I think the book is, is that a lot of generally positive people are out there swimming with the sharks. A lot of times, nothing other than that kind of wisdom and tactics is useful. 

The strictly positive, Law of One linked wisdom. Seems to have pretty much no tactics against things such as social sabotage. 

Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends, learn to use your enemies: I have been so screwed over by people close to me, for perhaps jealousy based reasons as is discussed. 

Law 10: Infection, avoid the unhappy, and the unlucky: This talks about how people who are kind of downers should be avoided. It is reflected in Stefan Molyneux's narrative. Avoid the divorced because they are a negativity that creates more divorces. 

Law 40: Despise the free lunch: I once heard a woman tell me how she never let a man pay for the first date because then if she decided to sleep with him, she knew it was for herself not a sense of obligation. This is a practical step known in the middle class. 

A lot of the laws sound far more "Machiavellian". To use a probably misunderstood term. But the entire thought process. If you are not familiar with it. Can also link you in to what might be going on around you in day to day office running. 

Anyway, weird times for me. Medication and health success. But intensely so.  

Learning the lessons.

I have been having successes. In my spiritual life. 

One insight I have been having for a while. Is that when you are kind of stuck. When you can't seem to move to improve anything because a movement in one direction. Will seem to get a response from the Universe to immediately prevent that improvement. A good thing to do is just to focus on one thing.

When there is a lot that needs to be improved. It is very easy to think you can do about five different things daily to improve it. However, generally if you do those five things. You will get overwhelmed and not do any of them. It will all get too intense. 

Also, almost the same thing but just a little different. When you do do something that is working. Say, meditation is working. Then it is easy to start to feel better, think you have a bit more energy, and want to add another additional improvement. Which is part of the same trap. An additional improvement will come. But it won't be added on as a thing just to improve some outcome. It will tend to come as a deep, spiritual realisation that a thing obviously needs to be changed and should have been changed for a long time. 

That's where I am. Meditation is the single thing I am doing every day. The second thing I think will improve a lot of different life outcomes is: coming off caffeine, completely.

I have had a long set of problems coming off caffeine previously. When I was in my twenties. I used to drink a 2 litre bottle or more, of diet coke every day. I would read a book by Stephen Cherniske. Caffeine Blues. Which went through a lot of studies to explain peoples physiological response to caffeine, and that it is actually a serious drug.

I did come off it. But as I have learned more about my health and improved said health. Including putting less pressure on my liver (through technological health improvements). I have thought that maybe it would be OK to go back on it. Maybe my previous bad reaction was part of my general ill health.

But now, I do not think this is the right choice for me:

My Personality Chiron placement in the Human Design: 12.5: The Success of Restraint lies in not abandoning the lessons learnt when the phase ends. 

My personality Saturn placement: 5.4. This will need a bit more explaining because I'm still not quite sure what it means. I'll also quote more. The blue line: Waiting as a guarantee of survival. Exalted: The power to make the best of ones fixed rhythms. Detriment: The drive to deny one's own fixed rhythm with predictable costs.

In general, the entirety of gate 5 is about that. About rhythms and such. 

I do not know precisely what this could be. But the way that caffeine is messing with my rhythms at the moment. I think at least. Is that it is easier to ignore your light/ dark circadian rhythm, if you have a chemical to help you do that. What is indicated to be about will power is actually to do with material substances potentially. 

I don't know of course that is it. It might be that my fixed rhythm is the eccentric rhythm of not sleeping at a normal time. I don't know what my sleep pattern is without caffeine. But I suspect, that I am using caffeine in order to DENY my own fixed rhythm. Which is the detriment of this. 

We all have similar demons of course. I am an unbelievably sensitive person when it comes to any drug. I used to know a guy that, when I slept around his house, he would drink a tea before bed, and sleep like a baby. The guy can take pretty much anything including pharmaceuticals and not have much effect from it. Perhaps some sort of "warrior gene". 

But I am not like that. We all have personal limits we have to deal with. 

When I stopped chocolate I went back to dreaming that had stopped for a long time. When I had chocolate and coffee recently I woke up with a painful heart that was pumping too hard. Coming off caffeine will be hard, especially in the first few days. And I do have it sometimes for medical reasons. But I think I will get the spiritual rewards if I do. And that's what it's about!

It's annoying. I've had two bars of chocolate and two coffees. One of them really strong. I am in such a good mood now. Really have to deal with moodiness when I don't have caffeine. But then I suppose that's the catalyst I work with.  

End of article. IQ and Grok. 

Just at the end here, I wanted to add a more playful bit. 

Recently, I found out that Grok can estimate a persons IQ. It estimated my IQ. To the same number, exactly. That I got in the MENSA test that I took once. I am referring to the percentage number of the population. Which is the number that matters. The actual number doesn't. Because it is different in each test. If anyone doesn't mention this while talking about IQ. In an other than casual way. Then they do not know what they are talking about. I've never seen anyone discuss it! 

Anyway. My IQ percentage is not a round number. It is not 40 or 45. It is an unpredictable number like 42. 

Anyway. That. Was AMAZING to me. For it to get my exact percentage like that. To use an analogy not real numbers. 42, not 41, not 43. Was just... Wow.

So I started doing it with other people. It was humbling. Especially, the women. There was a women I did it for that is not famous. Not well known on twitter. Higher than me. A LOT higher than me. I can't imagine talking with a woman whose IQ is higher than mine - that I know about. Who talks like that. 

A problem came though when I posted this on reddit and people came in with vitriol that I would even consider IQ to be a relevant concept. I got voted down by the leftists, and the halfway sane people making comments like "reddit doesn't like IQ discussions". Did not upvote me. This was a weird concept to me. If it has the same result that I got on MENSA, that should be pretty amazing no? Even if you don't agree with IQ. It got the same as the Mensa test! That. Is. Cool. 

It shows a difference with me and those sorts of people. I hear about something like IQ and I am excited. The first persons IQ I did was Stefan Molyneux and it is indeed a lot higher than mine. It is interesting. Someone like me sees a concept like this and tries to get something good from it. 

What is the mindset of a person that just avoids any mention of IQ like it is some sort of heretical text? How can you go through life not learning things from basic everyday tools?

Madness I tell you!

Anyway, so that's all I have for today. My caffeine come down will be HEAVY. But rewarding.  

When theory replaces experience. Part 2.

I like to do a blog a day. There are other things I do daily as well. Like meditation, prayer, etc. I have a big check list of things and if I did them. That I mark off daily. For that checklist. There has to be a cut off point. So at 0:00 it is a new day. It is not the old day. I can't do another prayer and mark it onto yesterday, even though, strictly in thought terms, until I go to sleep. It is technically the old day. 

If you understand what I mean.

So technically I did one blog yesterday and one today. Even though practically, they are only about an hour apart. 

Meandering or important?

I feel two things about what I am about to write. It includes a LOT of personal information. Some of it, like the last post. Even whiny personal information. But it is also very important to me. I am trying to capture a pattern that may be relevant to my physical health. Offering potential insight that might solve a physical health problem and helping me towards the paradigm that physical health can be improved by improving psychological health. I am also running my real experience through Law of One quotes. This is meaning of life stuff. It also brings in previous things I have expressed and how it might relate to health. How it might relate to psychological health. In real terms. So that is also important to me. Using the kind of information I produce in real help terms. 

The part I would like to discuss, and how it relates to my health and the Law of One. Is this quote from my previous blog. 

I worked at an office once where I was bullied by women. They made sure that they were having social events every week and inviting everyone to them except me. And any woman I interacted with there stopped talking to me after the first time. I would talk to them. Everything would be fine. Then the next time they would sit next to me. They would not say a word. Even to respond to hello.

This made me feel like I was actually going mad. I suppose I was. That would be the effect of this kind of long term gaslighting. (There were other things that happened at this office). I worked there for two years.

I was not able to effect them in any way. They usually left pretty quickly. I doubt any of them (there are about twenty names behind this, I still remember first and second names of many of them) will ever see any bad consequences from this. The anger from this expressed itself in ways that have undermined my psychology (found indirect expressions) and it's just now I am starting to grip this. It's been 8 years.  

I copy everything into One Note, and that is the formatting in One Note. 

I wanted to talk about then, what thoughts came out of those experiences that were so poisonous that 8 years later I am still working on them. 

I was in my late twenties/ early thirties in this job. My sex drive was high. Even though it is kind of reduced because of my bad health. I recall at one point, I think it was in my early thirties. Trying to prevent myself masturbating for three hours and losing. 

The experiences I had, as I have just summarised in this passage. But to just repeat and expand. I would be sitting in a place. A girl would come and sit next to me. I would start up a discussion. Nothing big. Just what are you studying? Spiritual stuff. Music etc. It would go fine and they would be positive and warm. Then next time I would sit next to them. I would say hello. Just hello. They would not even look at me. As happened with Hazel. And many others. 

I often go walking up the mountains with a dog and my mother. A dog that is hard to control because she is very strong and kind of hysterical. Whenever a male jogger comes past. 90% of the time they wave or say hello or something positive and I do back. Whenever a girl comes past. Less female joggers more women walking with one other woman or their dog. They do not say hello. I wave casually, say hello to them. I am not likely a threat with an elderly mother in tow. And 90% of time they DO NOT say hello. 

What Jesus would possibly call a "trespass". Too small of a deal to get worked up about. But, would it be "hateful" if I then, as is logical, said hello to men but not women? Just as it seems logical for me to adapt to the way women behave in the workplace.

If I had any power at all and there were any specific advantage that men had over women from dealing with them. This would be classed as "sexist". 

Anyway, I do not have a lot of experience with women. Not 'no' experience but barely any. Spent not much of my life with a girlfriend. So what do I do with my sex drive? This from two entries ago:

I am not able to write stories. I have tried and tried again. I had this idea a while back, based on the Law of One, session 18.5 I believe. That says if you have sexual desires not consonant with the Law of One to play them out in your head. I thought I could write stories with weird sexual things happening. Again and again I tried, and I have tried real stories. It never comes together. It never feels right because I can't see into the characters. 

I don't have the option for sex. So I would make these stories. I remember one time there was a very attractive blond girl that came to this office. She saw me, looked over, and arched her body forward. Caitlyn. So, out of a kind of conscious rage. I tried writing stories with these women. And them doing specifically sociopathic things. Really unpleasant things. 

As things have gone on though, this tendency I think may have lead to an energy blockage. 

Working from the LoO quotes:

From Session 18.5

Ra: I am Ra. The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them. Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away. 

"All things desired" is a bit of a vague point to me. I take it that what is meant is that we should go out and pursue what we want? All things desired might be money, might be having a good intimate partner. Etc. "All things desired" is a sticking point. 

Nevertheless then, what we are to do with the experience we have is to analyze, understand and accept them?

I have had many other difficult discussions. People that have screwed me over and things. I had a close female friend that killed herself. Male friends, as I mentioned in my last blog, turn on me because their girlfriends gossiped. 

All of this rage. All of this stuff. Has kind of combined. These stories with girls from the office that I mentioned. Combined with friends and stuff I have fallen out with. Have all been featured. 

Creating these stories has meant that I keep alive the image I have of a person. Rather than just letting them go and motivating towards a new "good" thing. 

The health implications:

Constipation. That is my health problem. Serious. Like, needing medication for it. It happening for months. Causing a lot of discomfort.  

When seen in the terms of a spiritual situation. Having an experience, a "catalyst". Should be understood and accepted. Analyzed. This means it has to be remembered. Maintained. This is the general frame I have used. 

But what if, what if, as I have discussed in "The problem of evil (Parts 1- 3)." There are things in our lives that can't be processed? Because they are part of a kind of disconnected evil that we can't really understand. A truly alien type of thing?

I am wondering, if the frame of the meaning of life linking to maintaining past situations like this. Past not particularly positive situations. Is linked here? What if, we are meant to take some stuff and analyse it. But some of it cannot be used so has to be gotten rid of? Like the body. It digests food but it ALSO throws out a whole bunch that it doesn't need! It has a load of fecal matter we get rid of every day. 

More theorising on forgiveness. 

I have talked before, a few times. Of my utter hatred for the theory that we are meant to forgive others without contrition. All the many reasons, including Law of One quotes. Why I do not think it is correct. 

This is talked about in the therapy community. Ad verbatim. There are a lot of people, and a lot of comments on youtube videos of people that have been through real abuse. Often from their parents. Saying how much they do not find this to be true. How it has reopened abusive situations. Perhaps how it is a violation for people to even say that. 

Somewhere, I am not sure where right at this moment. I will take more notes on my next reading through. The Law of One states that in the negative polarity. I think this was from a negative planet. People that have lost polarity by being dominated. Also gain the desire for negative polarity. 

The way I understand that. Is that when an evil person dominates another. The other person is angry and hates them a great deal. So they desire to get above the evil person and dominate them. 

I wonder if this is avoidable at all? The negative has a way of moving everything into its frame. It is harder to be positively polarised when a gun is pointing in your face. 

If there is a negative person who does something negative to you. Do you have any other choice but to hate them and want to dominate them back? Is this just a natural, animalistic response to that?

This is the reason, I think, that people that have been told to do forgiveness without contrition, rebel against this. Forgiveness without contrition is the teaching of the abuser and enabler. They never focus on the abuser needing to forgive. It feels like the person abused is being made to "forgive" for the benefit of the abuser. To keep the abuse going (Which... They are! That is the result hence revealed preference).

So, if you think like that. If forgiveness without contrition is just abusers insisting on their way. Then it becomes hard to let things go in general. It feels like you have to fight for the right to hold your own feelings and memories. 

For me, justifying like this. Letting go of things. Because some things are evil and can't be processed. Kind of squares that circle. 

Conclusion:

I... do not have a lot of faith that things like this can actually influence the physical. Nothing I have been aware of has changed anything physical. But, it is worth thinking about. It organically came together. 

I can feel the part of my body that is preventing things moving properly. It is in my large intestine at the lowers part. Roughly between the sacral and root chakras. Which also kind of fits.