I Could Be Wrong But...

I feel like I might be dying.

Sounds a stupid thing to say.

Ever since the unfortunate events last August, and down to roughly about April before that, after these events, after I got out of hospital etc. I have been intentionally keeping myself away from positive polarity in order to keep away from the possibility that I might want to call the aforementioned girl and be thrown into a kind of 'hell' if I didn't.

However, keeping in the negative polarity, when I'm not really negatively polarised can't really happen. Eventually I have been running low on energy and am needing to meditate otherwise I feel like I am dying. I feel an emptiness in my indigo chakra.

My dreams last night were helping me to come to terms with this fact!

When I do meditate I get into an absolutely awful and suicidal phase, fearing the things that are to come. Unable to silence the mass of feelings that swirl up and unable to concentrate, these are distressing but underlies a way in which I am suffering anyway.

In my distressed state I tried to find a reason for why my mother should be OK if I were to pass (because I do REALLY believe it, it is not a game). Eventually I got to that the positive entities at the other side would look after me. She said, a little bit of confirmation of my reality which is hard to come by, that if I went she would understand since I seem to have suffered so much in my life.

I think it might happen but it may not. I hope it is quick if it does happen. Love seems to be switching off as of late. My best friend I went around to see the other day and it was good but kind of hollow and I got the feeling he wanted to get rid of me, the dog whom is usually unfailingly affectionate won't huge me, and I can't contact my sister although I've tried three different methods.

Perhaps, perhaps not, who knows. I feel that if I do pass it will justify the reality which few people believe that I am describing. OK maybe that girl WAS his soulmate if he suffered so much as a result of not seeing her. One ex- friend of mine would still overlay his own reality and insist that I was inferior, but if I don't inform this person to after my actual death then he can justify himself without having the satisfaction of bullying me to gain feedback on it.

Pretty miserable post but it is what I believe.