So the only thing I can find to give my mind some sort of peace is the realisation that, regardless of how we would be in an ideal world, the girl I'm talking about in relation to chemistry really does desire me harm.
I said some nasty stuff to her, apologised and asked for forgiveness but nothing I did after that point (and she had asked me to phone her) did any good. I phoned and she wouldn't contact me back, I had to communicate once through a friend of hers and she wouldn't give me her number.
This is an agressive and negative negligence of the fact my psyche was dissolving because of these events and no mercy in event of the suicide attempt. She has avoided all contact since.
Rather than dress this up as a 'lesson' (new age neo liberalism) I could simply acknowledge that the girl really hates me and desires me harm, and would accept the continued degradation of my consciousness or even another suicide attempt (no intent on doing that again). Therefore acknowledging it under the umbrella of 'other than positive polarity'. Unable to progress where those emotions are involved. = Flatly unable to progress.
No prayer or meditation or anything seems to slighly lift this, but acceptance of the necessity of negative polarity is the only option.
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