Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Justifying my existence.

I feel for some reason now I need to justify, to anyone I might need to justify it to... The decisions that got me here and the limitations I face and how I am intending to deal with them.

The first thing of importance to discuss is my constant hope that everything is going to get better in society and that very often I hold out "just a little longer" for things to get better so a pathway for me might become immediately clear.

Most recently I have been hoping the relaxation of taxes on small business and the lack of immigration might help employment opportunities. Of course any excuse to put on Brexit for another few days, months or years is the in- thing most recently.

This is based on a larger argument that I have believed previously that the Illuminati are going to be arrested and we will have a golden age of humanity. When I did originally believe that though it did not effect my future plans, but as life has become more difficult and potential future plans have fallen by the wayside I have relied more strongly on this faith to inform my decisions. Because often I have really believed things are going to change.

So, two or three years ago I was into music and that was my plan.. Things went very wrong with that and I cannot do music anymore because of some very dark events.

So because I can't do music I am really quite focused on this potential societal change for the better so that I can return to some level of safety. The reason I cannot do music is because I am not mentally "safe" from my own neurosis!

A few years ago then these plans, a lot of life plans fell. I was unemployed and there was only one plan that I had when I was unemployed and that was to hold myself together and get employed. I hated job searching and would put it off to the last possible moment every day and would spend the whole day preparing. Because doing something emotionally unpleasant requires a lot of energy to get yourself to do it following the inevitable procrastination. (A big factor here is that I didn't believe I could get the job because there always seemed to be too many other people applying).

So I was not making any deeper plans regarding my life during this time. I was just getting through each day.

Then I got a job, I was working in fast food and I started believing I could do full time work. (I did part time but there was no shortage of overtime there, they would have given me 60 hours if I had asked for it, or even if I had just not protested being put on 6 days.)

However, I found during this time that I could not work for more than 30 at this particular job. This is because with more than that I was so tired I could not deal with my diabetes and my diabetes impinges on my life in several other ways all of which sort of relate to each other. So sometimes I will have a bloodsugar fluctuation and miss a few hours sleep, if I sleep less I will not be able to prepare food to eat properly, bad bloodsugard can also make me more tired without a lack of sleep sometimes. Constant stress leads to multiple bad decisions as well and then I am always playing 'catch up'. I.e. just trying to get through the day and not thinking of the larger pattern.

This become a concern if I were to move out of home. One thing leads to another and before long I have a lot of different problems that are quite serious. Also, if I were to move out of home I would have to live on housing benefit (which I disagree with on principle, I don't want to be anywhere near the welfare system) And with housing benefit if you make more money they take the benefit off you so they deliberately keep you at a level of barely subsisting. Which of course since I have a fairly specific diet (allergies and intolerances) and need a lot of sugary flapjacks and stuff to precisely moderate bloodsugars (I spend £5 on such things a day), this would not work for my health. Perhaps with a lot of planning I can get rid of the flapjacks but that is a LOT of planning and I have other things to attend to first. There is always something. (I also spend on supplements I find essential, one to improve sleep)

Even if I could move out: Now I am fairly happy in my job. It is a relatively nice place to work if being somewhat unsocial because it is difficult to communicate between phone calls and when so many others can hear you (so aspect of self consciousness). However, the job is relatively easy compared to previous jobs and I am able to do it efficiently. So I am left with the question of what I want for the first time in a long time because I have been moving from crisis to crisis for a long time now.

My original plan was to see if I am able to work full time at a place if the conditions are different. However, now that I am working it seems sensible for me to plan for a job that would use my skills properly to get money easier and set up potential independence for me in the future. Perhaps something in finance of some sort. Since if I were to move out I would lose the opportunity for the personal time to gain skills that would be useful in such endeavors.

Of course, since I have had severe psychological "problems" (not problems at all but universal laws that cannot be enforced: yet. Like a kind of black magick) girls are also out of the question no matter how attractive they might be. Partly because I am exhausted a lot of the time and partly because if I were to relax enough to have sex I would probably returned to a state similar to 'schizophrenia' that I visited a few years ago. Karma will be done here I have faith.

So that's my situation. I do not think I am in a better situation than other people, I think many people are similarly trapped. The whole thing seems ridiculous that the negative beings here have taken so many liberties. The level of mass selfishness they have shown is truly amazing; that their desires and needs are further prioritised than the rest of humanity is a constant source of irritation... Not just for me!

David Wilcock if you are familiar with him says that the earth is soon going to pass into a kind of ascension event. I tend to believe that but there is room in my mind for it being discovered as not being true! I.e. if and when I was confronted by it not happening.

Up until then I am following politics that is growing more and more disappointing every day!

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