The original dream.

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The original dream that lead me to a suicide attempt was that if I followed my mothers energy I would be locked inside my head and my mother had stopped me from going to the Buddhist centre. Not with force but emotionally.
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I can't see how I can disentangle myself from the mess I am in. The thing is that if I act service to others in the place I am in I get screwed over. But there isn't really an alternative because my energy system doesn't work like that.
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I am suffering. I don't have independence. And when my pain resistance falls and sometimes I go to sleep or do something else that is awful like that, the negative gains ground. Then something worse happens. For instance, I had to spend £15 to go to a job interview that I knew 100% was the wrong thing to do intuitively. I wasn't able to force myself to do it very easily. Which lead to me getting a taxi down there, the least effort.
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That £15 has lead to me not having enough money for a blood sugar machine. I feel that the energy the jobcentre dogmatically extracted from me to make me go and do that was energy I needed since I am in survival mode. I need every shred of the money I am given and energy I have to survive. With interference that is taken from me.
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Not having a blood sugar machine has lead further to me being ill.