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For those of you who don't know, I have had problems recently. And the problems mainly involved having very strong feelings for a girl. Not conscious but like a tuning fork guided to that person, and because it is socially unacceptable for me to want her or go near her in any way. Contact her at all. The inability to supress my own feelings causes incredible pains when I have to fight against the feelings on the insistence of others.
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I have stopped meditating because of this.
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I also have this connection with a friend that I find incredibly nasty. The guy is a prick. For two reasons, one unproven and one proven. Firstly, whenever I am in contact with him I get the overwhelming and incredible intuition that he is with this girl. But when I have asked him about it he has denied it.
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Secondly, and regardless of the validity of the first statement the 'agenda' fits either. When I am talking with him he aggressively tries to tell me how my feelings for this girl are not valid for some reason. That they were based on your 'shadow' or your sexuality. But I know how I felt.
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I don't know where to go from here I am kind of lost. There is so much going on on some kind of etheric level. There was an incredible feeling of complete magnetism between me and this girl. Which was, if only briefly, reciprocated. But day in and day out it is like I have no mission, no 'raison d'etre'. Nothing feels right and I begin to at times feel dissociated or realise that I am powerless against people surrounding me that either A) don't understand me or B) bully me.
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Like I say I can't see any way out. I am really to socialise a lot soon. It is like there is no personality left. There is confusion and I am happy with myself in a way. But not in another.
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