I thought yesterday, after writing that long blog that took a lot of energy. (I went straight to bed after that). That I would not be writing one for a while.
But technically, since I have stopped going on X. I still have the energy of wanting to express myself but I have reduced my ability to do that. So perhaps I will be posting more. Like I said as well, since I have stopped twitter my "inflow" has been different. Inflow is a huge element in writing something like this. When I was still listening to Stefan Molyneux, I found it easier to write. His show makes it easier to think in a sense as he lights up your brain. Now I have stopped X and am listening to more youtube videos. So I have shifted a little more to more personal subjects.
I wanted to talk about this video:
Youtube: Gracie Draskovich: pretty women live in a completely different reality: May 22nd 2026
https://youtu.be/wMFNj5mufyI?si=dqXa3DrIn_u2c1HP
I really think this girl "gets it". She has a lot of videos on her channel about being selfish and such, one of them entitled "start being mean". I think women like this do have to do a lot to protect themselves and have to emotionally justify that.
Screwed upness of life.
I wanted to know if my half sister was put under any of these pressures. I wanted to know if she was hot or not so I said to her in an email, since I cannot perceive that myself, being her brother (yes, that is a little extreme, but it was the truth at the time. I could not look at her and know how attractive she was, and I have schizophrenic tendencies, I am a little weird) Can you tell me roughly how attractive you are?
She wrote back saying that she felt I had crossed a boundary by asking that question, and that was the end of the relationship I was trying to grow with her. This was the last of a very long line of disrespect from her.
I think I have a better idea now because I had a dream with her in (not sexual of course), where that subconscious block was potentially cleared.
Anyway, on the video. I just wanted to talk about this because it has had an impact on my life. I am not a beautiful woman. When I was younger though. I was attractive in a way that lead to strange behaviours from women. Including several years of a kind of stalking. (More like harassment, the girl didn't want me but wanted to harass me into chasing her. Disturbed woman!) At the time it put me under so much stress I stopped putting effort into my appearance. I stopped gelling my hair and such and I never got back into it.
I do want a little of that energy back now though. (And the hair too!)
"Look on down from the bridge".
But I had a close friend, I might have mentioned a few times here. Who had been very attractive when she was younger. She had kind of aged out to the extent that is relevant for children. But I noticed that other women would get stressed around her because I am big on reading body language. I used to like that. She looked almost exactly like Victoria Pfeiffer.
She was one of the most lost people I have ever met in my life. Some of the stories she told me were morally disgusting. It had appeared she had kind of floated through life as this kind of ghost and people had treated her badly on her journey.
She told me how she had gone around the house of a couple she had known and while his girlfriend was in the other room. The guy in the couple had made a pass at her. She had also had other men behave strangely. Throwing away absolutely everything, badly threatening her friendships, in order to get some of her "company".
She had also had the normal things with women that had undermined her. One of which had thought she had made a pass at her boyfriend and turned an entire workplace against her. Without ever confronting her on it.
The woman was like a confused, ghostly, wraith. The vulnerability was intense even from the perspective of a female baseline. You could see her across the room and think "That is an extremely vulnerable person". I feel I should also mention in fairness she did crappy things to others at various times. But she seemed unable to understand the situation she was living in, and unable to gain any clarity on her world.
The suffering was intense in a way I can't even describe. A big part of it I think is that men simply would not be direct and honest with her. A person cannot live in a hall of lies for that long without coming to strange conclusions about life.
My friendship with her ended a couple of months before she killed herself.
I am still processing that. I want a clear direction of how this 'catalyst' is meant to improve my life in the longer term like the Law of One teaches. I also feel blocked in life in general. I am having insights and attempting to use them.
I did a tarot reading on myself recently that stressed the need for personal care and healing. I had thought the tarot was telling me that tarot is not a useful modality for me personally, because it seemed kind of like irrelevant information. But I don't know. Now that I have directly looked into this wound I can kind of see how it might be relevant.
There is more I have to say. I think it might be relevant and profound. But I don't feel able to say it.
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