Before I begin I want to go back on something I said previously. I floated the idea in a previous blog that the way for a person to discipline themselves to meditate is to do it the same time everyday. I have decided this is not the right idea for me personally. My health issues are too unpredictable for this to be useful to me, and eventually, this same mechanism starts to prevent meditation. If it is 9am or 6pm I don't want to meditate because: "I only meditate at 1pm."
The way to get myself to do anything seems to still be to just force myself to do that thing. It is a weird feature of my consciousness that I follow rules I have laid out mentally to the letter. So I said on this blog I only meditate at 1pm and so I have only meditated at 1pm until I state otherwise. I do not want to state one thing on this blog and do another as that would be hypocrisy. (An old paranoia I have relating to the Law of One's statements along these same lines. "If you do not learn what you are teaching" etc.)
I realise that ideally people will just take what is useful to them and this might be overly fastidious but it is apparently how my brain works.
Todays video:
Youtube: Jaclyn Proper: Dark Sexual Fantasies Explained: Trauma, Shadow Work and Kink. April 9th 2025.
https://youtu.be/jDDKH1_cDyQ?si=6OW9M4dW6F8iqj6K
I have a human design position that talks about this. Gate 58.2 in my conscious Neptune:
A genius for perverse stimulation that afflicts oneself and others by promoting degeneracy and reducing joy to indulgence and decadence.
Trying to get away from, what are my fairly perverse fantasies. Trying to intellectualise and separate myself from my fantasies. Only to be snapped back by my guidance.
Laying out the kink.
I wanted to spend this blog exploring the idea of sexual kinks and such and wondering if and how they reflect into our larger sexual life, and if knowledge can be taken from that. Having an ability to talk on these matters I imagine would be useful in dealing with women. Women love their psychologising of everything. So if you were to say that sexual kinks mean something it might be a good avenue into seeing if a woman is into you. Because if she recoils you know she is not. And getting her to talk about the subject at all.
It is a subject I do not want to talk about really. My last substack. I had a whole post where I suddenly talked about said fantasies, and after that I could not return to substack. So I opened this blog again and posted a link to here. But I realise that talking about fantasies generally is probably going to be difficult. I cannot talk with authority outside my own and so giving examples like: "If a person has x fantasy" when it is obviously me. Is an exercise in ridiculousness and feels mildly cowardly.
So I will give mild non specific examples of my own fantasy. And then I will talk about some of my own thoughts about why we get these fantasies. It will include Evopsych more than this creator has used. I don't think women naturally like EvoPsych as it lends more authority to the real physical world and does not assume an authoritative dominance of ones emotional state. You get some women that do use it, but it is not their first instinct I suspect. It will also include more of a kind of 'will to power' linked Nietzschean psychology.
So, my fantasy is kind of strange. It is kind of uber complex. As someone with Schizophrenic tendencies, that you might call Schizoid. I have extremely complex fantasies that are more like stories. I heard once from a woman who talked about porn called 'Red Head Redemption'. That male fantasies are simple. Blond with big tits. Female fantasies are these long drawn out emotional things. Well, then my fantasies are female.
So, talking vaguely, my fantasies are about female sadism. I think the sadism is the core. It has various other links that kind of look like other things, but are not. So humiliation is part of that. But there is as point my masculinity won't tolerate the humiliation. I would not dress in female underwear or be walked around like a dog as an example. Because if a women tried that on me, in my mind at least, I would hit her so hard she would never get up.
The fantasies tend to involve things like groups of girls clanning together to create bullying dynamics - using gossipy psychological tactics and such. While also including guys in this. The influence of the guys is something that my internal model has slowly included more and more of and this comes from talking to people about sexuality and trying to get an accurate model of how these things could actually happen. Women often don't have a tendency towards sexual sadism (or, I think with women they often simply indulge said tendencies and don't think of them in any real depth, they don't allow themselves to see that they get off the sadism element of it!) BUT, if a guy they are into wants them to do it they will do it and then they will enjoy it. They will 'yield' to their boyfriends bully they are cheating with, as an example.
The reasons?
So this is where I think some of those ideas come from:
A) Evopsych: I have been quite ill most of my life. I am getting way better now. The physical problems I had before did actually put me in a constantly stressed state and I do feel often inspired my kind if 'reptilian' primal mind.
My thought on this is that the bodies mission is to reproduce. But there are all sorts of things that can get in the way of this. I think the body tries to get around the barriers created by the mind and the real world. So with me, I am in a weak position. These fantasies are close to submission. The body wants to reproduce and figures the most likely way for that to happen is to meet a dominant girl. So it pushes the mind to fantasise about this stuff to increase the chances of reproduction.
Also, going along with this then. Guy that are naturally strong and always have been naturally strong are likely to fantasize more about forcing themselves on the woman. And it also explains a little womens desire to be 'forced' in fantasy terms. If they generally dislike men, and are actively pushing them away, which many women do; then the body calculates that if they are forced then they still get to reproduce.
B) A need for truth.
One of my fantasies that jumped out of nowhere that was incredibly sadistic and even shocking to me. One that went into the area of pain without a lot of sexual satisfaction until way later in the story. Came to me after dealing with a woman that... just hated me. Not only did I experience it (although in subtle ways with plausible deniability!). But I could feel it from her.
While a lot of my fantasies involve complex mind games involving a lot of people (this also might be trying to bring reality in because this is how women operate, through gossip and secrecy). There is usually a "mask off" moment. A party where everything is revealed in one fell swoop for maximum psychological pain.
I think some of this might have come from my experience of constantly dealing with women that have bullied me in some manner. It has, in fact, happened a lot. And a lot of the time it has happened, the girls involved have shown some sexual interest at the same time.
It reminds me of a Bob Dylan line in a song called 'Positively 4th Street'. "And you know as well as me. You'd rather see me paralysed. Why don't you just come out once and scream it!" A lot of these experiences feel like just ongoing teasing and part of me just wants a "mask off" moment with these experiences.
People crave truth on a very fundamental level.
C) Childhood experiences.
In reading the Law of One. I came across Carla Rueckerts brief discussions on sex. She said, and I think the idea was discussed in the Law of One. That a persons earliest experiences are what kind of sets them for their later adult experiences. So the example she gave was a man that when he was a young boy, was tied up with other children in a childhood game. In trying to get out of this he was turned on, perhaps rubbing up against the girls or something. This set him up to only be able to be turned on by being tied up. Some guys are like that. They only get turned on by their kink. They are not turned on by normal sex.
For me this was definitely true. Although I do not want to give details.
D) Normal anxieties and fears reflecting into the psyche.
Other possibilities here might be, so in a cuckolding example. That the guy has a subconscious fear and understanding of the brutality of other men and determination for sex. Their willingness to engage in violence. So they fantasize about giving his girlfriend to the guy to placate them. To show their value to the tribe. To not be aggressed on etc.
Another in the same area might be that a guy is inexperienced and badly wants his girlfriend to experience real pleasure. He calculates that if she does not experience real pleasure she will leave him. Or some other bad thing will occur. And he does not think he can do it himself. Perhaps he lacks a certain ferocity. So the fantasy becomes about her getting off with someone else.
Healing of these things.
I don't think these things can be healed. I don't think any single thing you can do will change your fantasy one iota. I have noticed that when I go to the gym these fantasies change a bit. Sometimes, I am suddenly more dominant in a fantasy I expected to be submissive in. Even to the extent that I suddenly change roles. I am not the person receiving the sadism, but the person scheming to bring sadism to an unsuspecting man from the women in his life.
But that is not a big change really. The bump in testosterone didn't change that much really, and the previous more submissive version will probably return.
I have often thought to myself that the pure quantity and breadth of human sexuality cannot be enacted in a life if one does not want to toxify it. Fantasies, like cuckolding, rape, and worse, are the kind of things that probably have to stay in the mind. I doubt one can bring the bullying, and jealousy dynamics of cuckolding into ones life without screwing up said relationships and life. Women who dream of being violated would probably never recover if it really happened because the actual experience would be nothing like the fantasy.
For this reason. I have often thought of writing erotic fiction on these sorts of things. But, simply put, I need a woman to engage with me about this in order to do that. I cannot explore these ideas in a compete vacuum. I need a woman, and potentially even more people. To say 'yes this is realistic, no this is not, yes this thing is a turn on, yes I did that.' Before a woman did say to me 'I would do that if my lover asked me to'. I did not put together that if I wanted a girl to do perverse stuff in the story the guy had to push it, and she gets turned on by turning on the guy.
In my real life I have very little access to sexuality and this is probably the problem for a lot of men. In fact I know, statistically, it is. Female empowerment has tanked relationships as men are now out of work due to DEI hiring. So what we are left with is this thing, sexuality, that creates loads and loads and loads of energetic output and mental fantasies, that has basically nowhere to go. It is not even creating children anymore.
And even a lot of the guys that are married are sexless!
Whether this can be leveraged into self knowledge or if it is just additional noise, to be kind of ignored and maybe prayed away. I don't know.
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