The religious direction.

I can't pray at the moment. Because anything that is done has to be continued. If I pray and then move into a space of thought where prayer is not longer part of the game I will lose whatever life condition or ability I gained through the prayer. So if I had prayed for strength I will lose that strength.
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If I was to put the cross on that would get rid of some of my problems. Specifically, if I put it on I will do things having felt 'supported' but I will a) partly have my Uranian abilities shut off, and b) not suffer from losses of polarity, but not have such abilities to prove my mettle in the face of unfortunate circumstance, or not as the case may be. Since I am supported I won't have the ability to gain high amounts of polarity.
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But I feel so awful that perhaps it doesn't even matter anymore. I know there is something incredibly evil around, like my soul is trapped, but I can't feel it consciously, but I know it's there.
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I am now going to read a high vibration book. Try and follow teachings that DEFEND me from the tendency to want to become religious at all. That keep my vibration very high. Of course these also give me the risk of negative polarity as well.