Is there another way?

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I have to do something differently. I feel like my head is exploding. I feel pressure in my head from a positive place. And something else, an abstract negative feeling. I'm a bad guy now. It's like things that I produce and I know those things are lies. Some things are correct and some things are lies.
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I can't seem to do anything spiritual otherwise it makes the problem worse. And if I let my will power down at all from decisions I make, little things that I have acknowledged as negative and that have withdrawn from me if I challenged them. Come back and snipe in a quick attack.
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Sending love to these things only creates havoc. I used to, but have now realised that in the bad state I am in, the people I am sending it to are simply learning to hate me more when I send it. Doesn't mean I never will since I don't want my being to be extinguished.
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Music is a good thing. The song 'the priest' is good. Also, a kind of discipline. If people are turning up whenever I let my will power down. The thing is then to keep it up. And when things first started going wrong, I remember writing letters to people proclaiming my bad behaviours in some areas whom had acted extremely badly towards me also. But possibly it was OK to apologise I don't know.
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Anyway, if I keep my will power up, then these people will obviously eventually have to face me. Rather than being able to withdraw. This is I think the subconscious reason for my pattern and chosen vocation of putting these things into songs and then becoming some sort of international star. Then I can write a biography and then what... Do I want to dominate these people in any way... No. The truth, that's all I want to express. The truth, and have people's behaviour that has gotten to me be shown to the world.
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So, this post isn't going to make me happy is it? Experiencing a long period of service to self. Not real service to self but definitely not flowing service to others. A period in which there is a lot of 'mulling around' and then eventually able to tell the truth. Then I could easily die with the problems or they would then get sorted out. But every time people do the same thing. They simply withdraw. They do something crap to me then I never see them again.
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With a world this topsy- turvy. There are going to be these sorts of dregs in the system. Everyone is hurting in some way and so everyone hurts others. And now I'm hurting but I can't simply allow myself to be beaten and dominated. And misrepresented. Forgiveness involves actually interacting with the people involved.
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This post is all just guesswork. I'm trusting my channel. It seems to me everyday humanity suffers massively and there comes a point where I just can't see a reason for it. I understand free will and all that.