How am I?

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The amount of energy that goes into 'being me'. Lol.
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I will describe a short story to explain how I am. And how it has reflected the past.
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The original problem that caused me trouble was when me and a girl had very, very good chemistry and the girl withdrew and I was unable to withdraw.
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A few minutes ago I had another similar problem like that and I was able to withdraw quite completely. I was going to describe it but there doesn't seem to be any reason to.
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So from that perspective I feel safer. I am able now to do things that compromise on theoretically perfect ethics in order to protect myself in the very real material sense. Rather than practicing spirituality and relying on spiritual powers to protect me.
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Apart from that I keep myself in a constant state of anxiety so I don't fall into inactivity. Not really a conscious choice. Just a warning going off BEEP BEEP BEEP. I am starting to clothe myself in the reality of other people. Possibly because of the aforementioned root chakra work.
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I am eating well again. Not drinking alcohol. Constantly thinking about metaphysics. But determined to make things change. Not allowing myself to wallow at all in any sort of comfort.
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(later edit: It does feel SO SO good to withdraw. I truly never intend to see the girl again or anyone associated with her. It was a minor slight but this is what feels right.)