My thoughts this morning. This is the result of the psychology work I am doing on myself. This is very good because for years I had none of these insights despite being interested in the area. This was because physiologically I was often in fight or flight and generally too dysfunctional for them to come.
But anyway, I woke up this morning and a little while in had one of the most profound insights. I felt kind of 'active' in the morning and pulled up a youtube playlist on my phone called 'smut'. Things like Tik Tok girls, girls scantily clad doing tasks like operating gadgets and giggling, and those "would you employ this secretary?" kind of videos.
While I was watching one of the posts. A blonde standing infront of the camera with large breasts pushing them from side to side with her body. I had this realisation that... this girl would have nothing to do with me. I know the kind of guys she would have something to do with. Tall, muscular, well employed, with really smooth social ability, and willing to make personal sacrifices to get laid.
Not a profound point probably to a lot of guys but one, because of reasons I'll go into perhaps, has not actually been one that has occured to me previously.
When I was younger, very young, like almost some of my formative memories. I can recall my mother saying to me frequently that I was so good looking that I would have all the girls after me. This was not just her saying it I have had attention from girls. But I have a disability, am unemployed, have little money and no social skills to speak of. I do think I am intelligent and interesting but, the general ability gained from experience of socialising with women and being a bit more normal is not there.
I think for this reason it has never occured to me that I might be rejected and this probably comes off in my body language and such a bit with women. But what experience do I actually have with women? Have I been rejected?
I do have some experience with women and those that have clearly indicated interest willing to go all the way. But I have also been rejected a lot. I have asked out girls over voicemail. Not every girl that flirts would have been into me had I tried to follow up, some of them would have just been looking for attention themselves.
This changes my lust a bit which I have been struggling to get a hook into. Struggling to get insight into. Living with such an ongoing but unproductive sensation does not sit well with me (especially as these vastly increase due to increased physical health). I used to want to write erotic stories to at least enjoy the sensation a bit, but there were various problems with that. One of many is that the story would tend to dissolve once I got to a point where I instinctively felt something was unrealistic. I was trying to fashion a realistic story about fetishtic behaviour that people probably wouldn't do in real life. (I remember one story where I was in a relationship with a girl that got to the point where she was motivated to do degenerate things, but then she snapped out of it, thought "what the hell am I doing?" and filed for divorce!)
But this is an insight that goes the other way. Not towards increasing, and finding a good manifestation of that sexual energy, but one that goes towards the other area. A reason to not find certain girls attractive and perhaps, to in general relate to the entire area in a more realistic way. Of being aware of some of the undercurrents.
I have written before, but I can't remember where, on people that ignored me on youtube comments and how rude I thought it was. Now I've just started thinking perhaps this was some of the reason. I recall, by name, each woman in the human design where I wrote a comment and they didn't respond despite having very little other responses. That's didn't respond even once not that they responded to one and did not afterward.
So perhaps there is a sexual element to this? Perhaps the girls are trying to say you are sexually rejected because they assume I am into them? They would not be the first women to assume that absolutely any attention going to them from a male was sexual.
Anyway, considering these rejections. This is likely a very positive look into the area for me. If I were to go on the Tik Tok girls now I might think which would or would not accept me and that number is probably close to zero which strongly motivates me to not give them any attention or 'love'. What I can focus on when understanding women is what are my actual experiences with them. Not that I had an opportunity to relate to x woman, because there are a lot of incorrect impressions that can be created. But what are my actual experiences with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment