I have, when writing the previous set of articles... "Jesus and violence". Had a huge amount of ideas in my head of how to express things. A lot of it forms to precisely be planned out as to how to articulate certain things.
Then something strange happens and it all melts. I do still remember what kind of angle I was going to take, and I will get back to that set of articles. But, now that experience has melted my brain a bit, I want to write something, but I don't have any idea ahead of time what I'm actually going to write. But I feel blocked in a way that I think that just writing something will help me get back to it.
My issue was that I got this strange kind of panic. Or anger. Some sort of adrenaline based feeling. It would go up to my head and I couldn't function. I was just too angry.
This came at the same time as I was considering cancelling my gym membership, which I did, then there were technical problems joining again, when I realised this was creating bad effects.
While I was in this anxiety state, before I finally went to the gym Monday evening and came out of fight or flight. The only things I really ate were chocolate and alcohol. I simply couldn't function outside alcohol to calm me down. Even then, I only barely functioned. I could not remember to do basic things in this state.
It is a very surreal and shocking experience. It felt like my mind completely ran away with me. It is an experience of being out of control. It is also a strange state where I could not hold onto a lot of things I had been thinking of. It was a struggle just to exist. I have previously had a serious schizophrenic break and it was similar to that in a way.
One thing is clear. I will have to be a gym member for the rest of my life. Another thing is clear. I will have to be going to the gym regularly. Another thing is clear, that having it as a hard rule to stay off chocolate and alcohol is simply not functional for me. For me, a rule is a rule not to be broken. If I have a rule that can be broken "if need be". Like, "I never have alcohol outside panic attacks". That just isn't right. So I don't have a rule on that anymore.
This all, kind of 'fits' with my dream interpretation and understanding of things. But it is necessitating a huge personal change for me. When I was young, in my late teens and early twenties, I went and did a lot of Reiki.
It would be hard to investigate Reiki I think. I think it is an interesting thing to look into. But I suppose it's better for me to focus on my own internal errors that lead me to decide to do Reiki rather than theorising that it is some sort of demonic practice.
But I have always been a very physical person. Guys, all guys, are. I am no different than any of my male friends from my youth, I am perhaps even LESS physical in general. But I used to do a lot of martial arts when I was young, I used to run everywhere, even just walking down the street. I was just full of energy constantly.
But after studying a lot of the spiritual things I do, I went and did Reiki. It actually had the good side effect of me doing more music. But this, on top of a lot of other feminine coded things, including my health condition making exercise more difficult. I think got me to this place where I was redirecting my energy towards a kind of feminine thinking. Rather than going to a martial arts class, doing energy healing types of things.
A problem with this feminine thinking, is that I naturally think in a very masculine way. One of those being a heavy interest and sometimes reliance on things like lie detecting and body language reading. The female way of thinking opposes this. It is not interested in discerning things in people, but always doing a kind of virtual signalling feeling 'loving' of everyone. In this state my natural tendencies are at war with the way I am forcing myself to be.
I think this is a huge part of what lead to my earlier problems. So now, for me to redirect that tendency back into physical work. I am effectively undoing a deep damage that is usually running subconsciously.
It also might mean that I really change as a person. I have often thought it interesting how people never really "change". But, well I have a health condition that was badly managed and with better technology is now managed better. Also, if I am to keep up with the exercise, if I am to do it regularly, which I am now intending to do, and believe is necessary for my health. Not optional. Necessary.
That seems to me the kind of thing that can actually change someone. My anger, my energy will get redirected and hopefully make me permanently less anxious, less angry, and influence my value system and how I am in the world.
We'll see how it goes.
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