Apologies.

Apologies are something I am starting to find interesting. I spent many years, due to my medical condition. Not really processing a lot of how people behaved since I had too much of my own, biologically (not psychologically) created stress. I.e. due to my medical condition.

During this time, I developed a way of thinking that kind of bypassed a few elements of normal human interaction that I didn't really understand, or couldn't accommodate. I found it hard to grip the concept of 'status'.

However, now my physical health is improving. A lot of this output is to articulate my attempt to learn these lessons very quickly now. I haven't lived really. But I can observe. I can learn fast.

To codify this learning I am now looking into philosophy. 

Apologies.

Apologies are one area that really reflect a great deal of status based human interaction I think. I am also getting wise to the ways they are used, which is why I am writing this article. 

When I think of apologies I think of them in a very specific way. It might not be correct anymore, I might be becoming more neurotypical myself now that my physiology is functioning better. I might be neurodivergent in some way anyway. But when I think of apologies, I think of them in terms of how neurotypicals process the world. 

On the surface of it, it seems to me that the only reason neurotypicals engage in apologies is so that they can highlight that one person has animal power over another. Think of politics. When a group gang up on someone and insist on an apology. Usually getting it, and usually carrying on to harass the individual anyway. The entire point of that apology is that the target grovels to the social group, and that the group has then humiliated, and continues to humiliate, the individual.

Who has animalistic power matters a lot to neurotypicals (I'm not saying it doesn't matter to me I'm just working through this as an idea). It seems to me that it is the basis point of their interaction, and this happens both ways. A) It happens when one person expresses dominance over another and B) It happens when one person deliberately makes themselves out as submissive to another. 

The second is important because it is less obvious. When listening to Stefan Molyneux, he sometimes says when people are being excessively vague or have a host of other communication difficulties. That the person experienced abuse as a child and adopted behaviours to protect themselves. But now that they are an adult and speaking to him, he does not want to deal with excess vagueness because it is placing him in the position of being the abuser. If you are actually trying to get to the point of something, then excess vagueness is very annoying, and you have to constantly push the other person to be more clear... It's frustrating and pushes the questioner towards anger.

Utility

Now, this is not to say that it is not a practical method of communicating. Because there is now corruption and confusion around the issue. It is something I have been trying to get right in my own life and reflecting on. 

My model of neurotypicals is that they are always experiencing animalistic status. But perhaps, when not dealing in an abusive situation. The losing of power from one individual to another is part of what makes the apology relevant. It is a relevant currency. 'I am serious enough about this issue to take a hit to something that is very important to me, my animalistic status'. 

Personally, I naturally feel that this is, a bit of a circus act. To me, emotionally, apologies could simply be an explanation of what went wrong and why, and concrete steps to make sure the thing doesn't re-occur. But I recognise, that for the normal world. Apologies are a relevant way of communicating. I think though, that this is largely dysfunctional, as I will explain. 

I have probably apologised a few times in my life. These are always calculated. I have never meant an emotional apology once in my life. I have never felt those feelings. There are a few different things influencing this and one of the things that influences my interaction with others is a need to kind of settle a score. If someone is annoying me, I don't want to leave open any avenue for their contact in the future. This is quite paranoid, but it is nevertheless how I think. 

So, if there was an event in the past I want to explain my side of it, so if the person therapies themselves later, and I don't want to deal with them, they already have my explanation. If I am confused about some aspect of the past. I like to give the person the option to communicate even if they will likely reject it. So that no one can convince me, and I can't convince myself, that it all ended due to some disagreement and communication difficulty.

Apologies have been part of this for me. Do we have a good friendship that was pushed away by my behaviour that I can't fully perceive or recall (due to earlier health issues?) Then I will apologise now, and see how it goes. But I don't mean it. I don't have an emotional experience of regret or guilt that I did something wrong. It is only putting a different input into a coding platform to see if there are different results. 

The real world. 

I can remember one apology I made to someone in a friend group. Two that were given to me without me having requested them, but both to people that were being unpleasant and difficult and were seeking a change of behaviour from me, WITHOUT, I now realise, a change of behaviour from themselves. 

It took me by surprise because my model of neurotypicals had them not giving apologies, because of the refusal to lose status. But I realise, that is not their entire psychology. 

The function when I apologise to another that I mentioned, was to see if that person would be a potential friend in the future (I mentioned practical steps of not mentioning politics in general as my concrete behaviour change in relation to this apology). I was also owed an apology I believed, and this apology would also serve a practical purpose. The practical purpose being that the person was a rabid leftist that had gossiped about me, and I would have to walk on unbelievable eggshells to deal with them, and in order to do that I would need a bit of assurance that this would not happen again, that I could relax at least a little when interacting with them. No apology from the person was forthcoming because of course... Rabid leftist. Of course it would happen again. Those sorts of people are never wrong. 

However, of two apologies I have received. One of them was definitely, and distinctly, not a real apology and the second one I don't know for sure. But I also suspect that. 

One apology I received was a person that was actively disrespecting me and I could feel, constantly with this individual that he strongly wanted to be the 'dominant animal', and that he was willing to go to some lengths in the real world to do that. So I was saying to him I've had enough of this. He apologised, but shortly after, he ghosted me for two months. Which made a lot of sense to me. I could feel when he made the apology this would kill his own animalistic sense of himself. So when I got pushback like that, I was not surprised. 

Later in messages with this person I got down to it. I basically said to him that if we were going to interact, I needed an explanation of his stance on ethics. Since what ethical standards could I hold him to that would be dominant over his emotional preference. I.e. if his emotional preference were to behave badly again, what practical values does he hold to oppose that? No answer, so I haven't seen him since, and probably won't see him again. 

The second example was someone that apologised, then went back to precisely the same behaviour. This person often works to keep me in this kind of half relationship with them that I find annoying and utterly, utterly pointless. Potentially this is because at the moment I am ill and low status. But I might be of some value to them later on. I know others like this. I know people that if I gained in status, imagine like a stereotypical super talented musician film. Then these people would suddenly deign me worthy of communicating with them and would make contact. In my life, I am obviously high IQ, and some people might see this and act accordingly. Regardless of the merit of that idea.

The solution.

But both of these apologies have the same solution. If someone says sorry my now response is: What do you mean by that apology? What are you apologising for? What practical things are you intending to change in terms of your behaviour?

This answers both these individuals. Both the dominant, that think they can keep you around to perhaps have someone they can feel dominant to; and the submissive, who probably have abandonment anxiety, and are appeasing you but don't really mean it (because in their mind they are every bit as right as the dominant is!). The submissive will continue being vague, because that stuff is real deep in the psyche.

What precise behaviours are you actually going to change? Otherwise I'm not accepting the apology. And the danger that you are trying to avert by apologising will not be averted! This effectively takes the apology from a meaningless statement of social dominance. Truly meaningless, since there might be a revenge on part of the "apologiser" to regain their social status. It changes the apology then to something that has real world relevance. Behaviour that is not working needs to change. Are you going to change it? Then maybe, just maybe, it will become a functional way of communicating.

Energy exchange talk.

So, this will be my jumping off point for this blog:

https://youtu.be/KODgo6-unUc?si=tWTQgl3XE0KPg5mQ

If it doesn't embed. Then the video is 'When you think of someone, you send them energy' by Aaron Doughty. Dated 10th of October 2024.

I watched all of this video and it seems to follow on from the general theme of the channel. The general idea of people pleasing and such, as it is expanded into new age concepts. I recall this creator mentioning some Law of One concepts. 

It is a good video and it is an idea in an area that is kind of annoying. As I move forward in articulating what I think is relevant in bringing these abstract concepts to real life. I find that I can't dismiss many of the subjective experiences I have. I have to find some way to philosophise on these to make them relevant. This being something that will happen in the future though. A great deal of subjective experiences impacts on my life in relation to these concepts. But I try to make things as objective and real world as I can, in order for them to be useable. 

The Law of One was VERY clear that this area is legitimate and that visualising the sending of energy is deeply relevant. 

The points.

He talks a lot about one form of energy exchange, where someone is in love with another perhaps. Overthinking about another and sending energy in attempt to remain in emotional contact after a break up. 

While that is relevant, and I have something to say on that interaction. To me it feels like there is a lot more going on in energy exchange terms that can be discussed. 

I pray every day. I pray the armour of god and several others. I also have an Ankh and another necklace around my neck. When I say that prayer, often, immediately a lot of thoughts stop. I remember this very specifically in relation to a workplace where I was bullied for two years. It was not a corporate workplace. It was a small business, with around 14 on the ground staff and maybe 5 staff in management. 

The 'feeling', the just pure feeling of hatred being received from these people after I left (seeming, through coincidence, to kind of strategically outplay them at the end!) Was deep and insane. While I was in that business, there was a moment where I made eye contact with someone then got one of the strongest left ear ringings I have ever had. Demons ran in that space.

Feels therapeutic to talk about this.

This is one thing I have to say about the whole area and I think it depends on the specific energy field. I can impact others with my energy. But this is not real "energy", but a kind of cerebral process. I am just not a forceful person and it doesn't feel like my energy effects others unless I am extremely angry. My energy doesn't feel like it leaves my field a lot unless I am praying. 

But I do feel like I receive energy, and that's just the way it is.

Exceptions:

But, this is the general case. There are of course small exceptions.

One of them is my half sister. I have experienced yet again being hoodwinked into a kind of half relationship with her. I am not sure the point of this from her perspective. But I have experienced a fair bit of internal discomfort and a desire to protect her. Watching my dysfunctional father and his third wife and how they behaved, and being fairly powerless to do anything having been so ill in my youth... That sucks eggs.

So in this instance, I am not quite sure who is sending energy or what is going on. But it is more complex than normal. I have had close friends I have lost contact with that I never think about. But family, such a difficult situation. Is different. 

Very often I have thought about her and when I pray my normal shielding prayers and it subsides. But even so, I am quite sure the energy is not only coming from her it is also in me going to her. I also feel I might have locked off my understanding of my caring for her. Only after a few beers yesterday did I have that realisation! My rational thought process engages in a lot of "this transaction is favourable/ unfavourable" sorts of thoughts. But once I had drunk and got over that, I realised that she sits within me in a way that I can't rationalise out. 

The solution here though, I believe, is prayer. I have written previously, not here, but I have written previously on how prayer or sending any kind of energy violates free will. I have had a fair few experiences to justify this point of view. But, once you get so entangled that you are sending the love anyway, then I believe it is time to bring prayer in. 

Because once you have brought prayer in. You have invited positive spirits into the interaction to positively influence. Communication might become direct and crisper. Inspiration might abound. You are taking that emotion and pushing it through a process that makes sense of it. Finding its highest manifestation. I often choose prayer not written by myself in this part of the process. 

I can't speak for her. But it seems to me there is a heavy dollop of mutual, and dysfunctional at this stage, love, that is enmeshed in this situation. The other prayers were close connections. But not the same kind of love over communication difficulties. To express love in those other situations would have been just to talk to the person. But in this situation it is all confused. 

Insights

In the real world though, the way we stop overthinking things is to have insights into them. For instance, my father told me on his deathbed to look after said sister and I realised today how hypocritical that is. He was asking for an investment from me that he did not give to me. He was leaving said half sister with a woman that he identified as a man hater, which over time means that the relationship would likely be sabotaged. (This was his stated perception but she might have only hated him I don't really know.)

It is at this place I believe that such abstract and metaphysical concepts can be dismissed. If we change some part of our mind does it effect the way energies work? Well of course it does, and even the suggestion suggests a potentially very complex realm to explore.

But that is probably not needed. The relevance of a simple insight to change things is enough for the process of improvement I believe. I grew up with a single and chaotic mother. I also have other fawning behaviours from my illness. Will taking down my own blue pill - esque kind of thinking influence this situation? Well who knows? But these are the relevant questions to ask in my opinion.

Life equals work.

I want to put this Law of One Quote in the spotlight:

Questioner: [Aside: Jim, did you understand?] I’m a little confused. I partially understood you; I’m not sure that I fully understood you. Could you restate that in another way?

Ra: I can restate that in many ways, given this instrument’s knowledge of your vibratory sound complexes. I will strive for a shorter distortion at this time.

Two kinds there are who can heal: those such as yourself who, having the innate distortion towards knowledge-giving of the Law of One, can heal but do not; and those who, having the same knowledge, but showing no significant distortion consciously towards the Law of One in mind, body, or spirit, yet and nevertheless have opened a channel to the same ability.

The point being that there are those who, without proper training, shall we say, nevertheless, heal. It is a further item of interest that those whose life does not equal their work may find some difficulty in absorbing the energy of intelligent infinity and thus become quite distorted in such a way as to cause disharmony in themselves and others and perhaps even find it necessary to cease the healing activity. Therefore, those of the first type, those who seek to serve and are willing to be trained in thought, word, and action are those who will be able to comfortably maintain the distortion towards service in the area of healing.

Coming down from a high:

I think this is an important spiritual point that is not easy to find out there in the world. Not easy to articulate since many of the people that would articulate this kind of thing. Are either male and super high status and would never say anything like this (Male high status types are all about 'You gotta grind fella'). And most women talking about self care are talking to echo chambers. 

Man this feels good. 

I have talked about this on a Law of One forum where I got something back from them saying that it was only in this specific instance I think, as one of the point. No one engaged with it even slightly. Simply because, the people on that forum seem to me to not have the slightest interest in the Law of One. Especially in applying it. Asking the Law of One forum about how they applied some of the Law of One teachings, if their internet behaviour was translated to real life, feels as though you get surprised looks like you grew an extra head all of a sudden. "What the hell are you talking about, I've never heard of the Law of One!"

So I'll have to have a go at it myself and not engage any others in understanding this. It has some relevance to my life right at the moment. 

What does this quote mean, like really mean? They relevant part for me is 'Those whose life does not equal their work may find some difficulty in absorbing the energy of intelligent infinity'. This is a deeper description than "If you work hard you need to rest every so often". There is a kind of life that is described, captured in these words,

Equal. Your life must be equal to your work. A point here of relevance. What does the Law of One contact mean by "work"? It's a word that feels like it should have an obvious interpretation. But in fact, when you really think of it. It doesn't. I have often felt things like dream interpretation and music to be "work". The world would not agree. These are squarely in the leisure category. The only thing that is work to the world is something that qualifies as "wage slavery". 

So, to be clear here, let's search "work" in lawofone.info:

Questioner: This is a hard question just to ask, but what is the function or what is the value experientially of the formation of positive and negative social memory complexes, of the separation of the polarities at that point rather than the allowing for the mixing of mind/body/spirit complexes of opposite polarity at the higher densities?

Ra: I am Ra. The purpose of polarity is to develop the potential to do work. This is the great characteristic of those, shall we say, experiments which have evolved since the concept of The Choice was appreciated. Work is done far more efficiently and with greater purity, intensity, and variety by the voluntary searching of mind/body/spirit complexes for the lessons of third and fourth densities. The action of fifth density is, viewed in space/time, the same with or without polarity. However, viewed in time/space, the experiences of wisdom are greatly enlarged and deepened due, again, to the voluntary nature of polarized mind/body/spirit action.

There were other suitable passages but I think this will do. In a more exhaustive article this might be a section of it's own. How does the Law of One define "work"?

The term could have many meanings. I remember reading an article from a mens rights website that talked about how much therapy men get from work with their hands. Like, when you put a sword into water and it sizzles this can feel like it is changing something within. The 'wage slave' concept of work and the 'work in consciousness' as it is stated here, might be the same thing. But for this specific example, we can assume that 'work in consciousness' is explicitly relevant to this Law of One quote.

My life:

I bring this up for how it relates to my life. I do a lot of things such as dream interpretation. I do a lot to make the best out of myself. But this is obviously not normal "work". I don't get any money out of it. I wouldn't say I live in poverty, as I am supported by family. But, most of the time I only have money for food. But I have reasonable accommodation.

The point I am trying to get to here is 'life'. This quote doesn't seem to indicate "rest" is enough. It says your work has to be equal to your "life". What does "life" mean? Well life does not mean rest it means experience. It means joy. When I think of life I imagine going bowling with a mixed gender group. People chatting and giggling. 

Without having 'life' at the side of work. The person won't be able to absorb the intelligent infinity needed. The intelligent infinity in this context, is something like the breath of the creator experienced through joy and leisure. So where you have a conversation with someone you like and how that influences how you see the world might be an example. 

The way I am thinking of this is that if you were say, bowling with a mixed gender group, laughing with people and talking life over. It would refresh the individual and give them a mixture of positive energy that would then be pushed forward and channeled into the thing the person was considering "work".

Achievers:

This makes sense to me as I look out into the world because many of the people that have achieved massively have this kind of social side to their lives. A lot of the people that are out there achieving things didn't spend a long time in their lives with no friend and no intimate relationships. Playing computer games and drinking beer, watching TV. These people spend time with groups of friends and channel this level of 'life' into their work. So they have great work.

But, now it's time for humility. I have been having trouble. The reason I have been having trouble I believe is due to this quote. 

Most of my leisure things are half 'work'. Music as an example, is something that has a deeper element to it. Not only is it good to play but the creation of a song, that is hard work, also changes me a bit. It solidifies intuitive thoughts I have only slightly had. 

I don't really like movies. So I content myself with youtube vids, that still require a technical thought process. I have fiction books and other books. But they are books, they are not really relaxing. I do dream interpretation. Music. Meditation. Make videos on human design. All of this stuff is still a kind of 'work'. 

But, this is the point. I have no life. Like... No life. I have stopped enjoying movies. I don't play computer games. That might not be as much of 'life' as socialising, but they are still 'life'. A little bit. I don't have the money for a computer console. I have zero friends. I don't see most of my family. I don't have a job or any resources to join interest groups, social groups. Potential intimate partners is... well why even mention it?

Overload:

My life matches my work. I am not sure how important and relevant my 'work' is. Blogging and doing things on the human design seem profound when I do them. But they are not a legitimate career. Music is the same. These are things I do to improve myself but seem to remain of relatively low impact in the real world. 

Recently though, since turning my attention over to philosophy as a discipline. Working through some of those ideas and also, experiencing those things in relation to the Law of One and other previous ideas. I have become more animalistic. I have more of a desire for experience. My health might be a bit better; and I am working hard at getting a job. 

It is not likely in the modern economy but, I am still working at it. I don't know what else to do. I interviewed on Friday and have done a few other things in the upping of my effort in this area. But I was exhausted.

Once I became exhausted I couldn't calm back down. I was stuck in this hyper cerebral place. Experiencing my 'work disproportional to my life' is... painful. The only place to go and hide from the 'not quite able to get the interview out of my head' is in things like dream interpretation. That are less than relaxing. 

My solution has been to do something to get a little bit of "life" out of life. I saw a PS1 console today for £30 and I'd like it. The games are like £10. But I don't have that money. So I did the only thing that would allow me to enjoy a movie. Beer and chocolate!

I am not sure if this will allow me to relax but it seems like the only option at the moment. It pains me, that I will probably not be the person that achieves anything of note in this life. But, well, what can I do? Even the energetics, plus of course the disability, don't really allow me to "grind" and gain in some sort of way. I am what I am and I can't change that. Perhaps over the long term daily prayer will help. But like I just said, life is as it is!