The unbelievable benefit of meditation.

Out of all my self improvement tactics. Meditation is the most reliably positive. I would have listed all of the other ones to show meditation is better than all these. But in truth, some of the other ones have helped me out of specific binds where meditation was not so effective. So, when I had a psychotic break I could not do meditation because the psychosis would return. So I did dream interpretation. And I pray before my meditation sessions so that self improvement tactic is inseparable from meditation in a sense.

But recently, perhaps massively improved by my improved health. Meditation has taken centre stage again. I have always wanted one single thing that I can do. One thing that if I do that then I will be going in the right direction. At the moment, meditation is that thing for me. 

This was one of the self improvement techniques really heavily pushed by the Law of One, which is my spiritual backbone. The first benefit, is that I struggle a little to access and articulate my own feelings. Perhaps this is due to having schizoid leanings or perhaps it is a very normal thing. Or I have it just a bit more than others. But, I feel normally in my life, I simply can't access certain emotions. Then when I meditate I can. For instance, after a meditation session recently I was far more affectionate. 

I have been trying to access that sense of new feelings and emotions for a while, and I thought it was something that disappeared with my youth! 

The positive effects can't really be described. No matter how things are going for me. No matter how bad I feel about lack of achievement or some other thing. Low status. That half hour of feeling good, of being away from the world will still be there. And I can look for ways to improve it. Should I stretch or do yoga ahead of it? Thinking about using a pyramid or something else. 

I have had unusual feelings that I am not sure what to do with but that I have an instinct are the route to improvement for me. I have had insights that relate to the meditation that explain things in my life. One of the things I have become aware of. Firstly I became aware of a deep fear that I talked about on my community notes and explains why my youtube video output has dried up. But also from that, as I become aware of my fear, I become aware of a kind of vulnerability. A delicateness of sorts. It's hard to explain because I don't really seem delicate.

But it is these kind of things that we avoid, that I believe are thought to be the route to our improvements. Even though in the short term it seems to be stopping me from doing one of my other goals which is music. Playing guitar.

It has started to shift my life on such a fundamental level it may change the direction slightly. I have the suspicion, that after a while of doing this there will just be a bunch of coincidences pushing me in a better direction. I can feel a sense of a part of me preparing that.

Schizo Tarot.

Well, with the way I experience life I realise I might not be suited to Tarot reading in general. I have been thinking about the tarot readings that I have absorbed and even though some of them are very effective and helpful in the moment. A better solution I believe, would be to have the tools to deal with those situations that the tarot is helping with that are better than tarot.

One of my strong instincts being someone that absorbs so much "spiritual" stuff, such as dream interpretation. Is to use every last bit of it and I realise that the tarot as a tool for future telling I can't really use. I use the major arcana in relation to archetypes. But I don't think in relation to tarot reading from now on.

I remember a tarot reading I gave at Christmas to someone that was spot on. It was so spot on in relation to the persons challenges that I had no idea about, that it's a weird thing to think about and during the reading, my mother had to keep on assuring her friend that she had not told me all her secrets ahead of time. 

Video of this post:

Case in point, I am going to do a bad tarot reading of this video here, I am going to do my instinctual reading of these cards:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxpIQaOuU5M

Laura's View and Tarot Too: A Peek Ahead, November 2024

These were the positions the reader ascribed:

First card, general theme, second card, clarifier, third card, hidden influence, fourth card, advice, fifth card general outcome, sixth card, where we should put our attention.

US: King of Swords, The Emperor, Nine of Pentacles, Four of swords, The Magician, Four of cups. 

Rest of the world: Eight of cups, The High Priestess, The Emperor, The Heirophant, The Magician, The Seven of Wands. 

The king of swords is known to be about truth and integrity and such, but when combined with the Emperor, I don't see the certainty that this is Trump. I would think that the Magician, the Heirophant, The Chariot, The Star might be Trump. But the Emperor is more of a long term and distinctly Russian kind of figure it seems to me. This could be Putin. 

The Nine of Pentacles is a bored rich girl. This could be the surprise voting block retarding the US movement forward into a sane foreign policy. Or even Kamala herself. Four of swords is exhaustion and burnout types of things. The advice is... There is nothing you can do about this! The magician is the direction of the conscious mind eventually leading to shock before entering the subconscious mind. The four of cups is the rejecting of an offered gift. What gift do the US citizens have to reject if Trump is President for he only gives good gifts? The rejecting of an offered gift is the gifts from Kamala's America. 

The eight of cups is overwhelm and confusion. Where illusions abound. This is how the outside world would respond to Kamala's victory. The High Priestess is the follow on from the Magician. It is number two in the Major Arcana where the Magician is number one. This is the fact that other countries have to then respond to a Kamala Presidency and to escalating global tensions. 

The Heirophant is indeed a difficult card which states that people languish in a good situation. Where there is wealth, soon follow heirarchy and entrenched power structures. Where there is chaos, there is problem solving and innovation. The only solution here is an empowering philosophy that justifies social caution and often social withdrawal, it justifies the application of charm. The magician combined with the following card is the sudden need to fight under this new situation. 

Conclusion

I really obviously hope that we have a Trump Presidency and a de-escalating of global tensions, but I have not seen much to indicate that the vote rigging has been sorted. Yes, there is one or two judge rulings and competant local politicians who are flagging things. But it just doesn't seem to me that the US population on youtube, have done any particular due diligance to justify they sudden faith that Trump will be President despite clear vote rigging in the last election.

These are just my thoughts. Like I said, I don't think Tarot reading is going to work any longer for me personally. I am pretty afraid of this situation personally and have realised that I have had a strong drop in productivity recently for this reason.

Strange social dynamics.

So todays video I'm going to jump off of is this one. If it doesn't embed it's called WHY WOMEN IGNORE 'NICE GUYS': ANDREW TATE AND SADIA KHAN, by SadiaKhanPodcast:

https://youtu.be/e0uxEsDE4aQ?si=6t2k6dI5QN8I3GoC

Going back to discussing gender roles that always feels a bit uncomfortable.

This clip was a bit of a shame it felt like to me. Sadia's point at the beginning was that you can get hot women that simply won't be approached by a certain kind of guy. 

This is something I have observed a bit of in real life. 

The complexity:

When I was a teen, when I was very young and putting together my ideas on the world. I was always told that men are psychologically simple and women are psychologically very complex. Women are 'complicated'. As soon as I got involved with the push and pull of life. Working with girls in my early twenties at the height of their power, and ability to create drama. With testosterone so high at that age (how do any of us survive seriously?) This belief system didn't serve me well.

Firstly, as women will say to me, my psychology, as a guy, isn't simple. My psychology is perhaps one of the most complex of anyone you are ever likely to meet, and that's because I have a strong schizophrenic leaning, and a medical condition that changes things around a bit for me. So as one example, it reduces my sex drive. 

I was also getting a lot of bizarre stuff from women. What I eventually came to understand was; "you know what, these women aren't that complex". What the utility of that insight was, was that when they would do weird semi abusive things to me. (I was literally stalked for a while). I could not be going around thinking that they were lovely mystical creatures. What I begun to understand, was that there is a difference between "mysterious". I.e. what almost feels like a gift from the Creator. Unwrapping a present. And "secret". I.e. the girl is exploring her options on the side. She is withdrawn not because there is some lovely, mysterious present to unwrap. But because she is keeping a secret. She is withdrawing parts of herself. 

The emotional to's and fro's of a girl that has to juggle a bunch of guys is not particularly interesting. It is kind of boring and trashy. 

The beauty.

But later, I did start to realise that when you get to know women on a more personal level, that there is a level of mysteriousness there. 

A big part of the mysteriousness of women though, firstly, they are not really aware of it. Women are also naturally secretive and they simply don't communicate in the same why guys do. The manosphere careful delineation of wisdom, including statistics and a kind of army like heirarchy, is not the same as womens incoherent babbling on Tik Tok. Womens intense aversion to introspection has been one of the things that has really struck me.

That's where this video comes in. Sadia started with a comment on how women might experience the world that I thought was interesting, then Andrew came in with standard manosphere points. Obviously, ones that he cares passionately about, and that is perhaps admirable. But in my personal experience, it is sometimes worth considering the female perspective here. 

I used to know a girl who had been deeply beautiful when she was younger. It has informed my view of the world to a great degree. The stories she told me of this, being ungrounded and unable to relate to the world due to the pressure from both men and women were not pleasant. She was a deeply miserable and tormented person. 

Sadia's point at the beginning of this video was that beautiful women don't actually have the same choice in men, and it is something worth thinking about I think. Even if this is due to her own hubris. Even if she is choosing that, it is an interesting point to consider as a sociological phenomena.

This girl I talked about, the 'beauty'. She struggled a bit it felt to me when she knew me because... I was nice to her. I am kind of deep with all my astrology and all that. I knew very specifically how to manipulate her (I'm actually good at manipulating women if I want to be) and I manipulated her to stop her killing herself. But I wasn't using that manipulation to make her complete strange sex acts or gain status in another way - she was confused by this. Knowing me, my perspective on things, and comments I made that she found interesting. I think she felt these improved her. My understanding of status and such. 

She had simply never known anyone remotely like me in her life. 

I am aware I am speaking highly of myself here. 

In a way I was playing the 'nice guy', or it might look like that. But I am not a nice guy in the sense of passive aggressive until I get laid. I am just all kinds of psychologically deep and spiritual. 

The world.

Now, going back to what I said earlier, if this is an issue for women. They probably are not going to articulate it. I imagine a lot of their experiences they never even realise.

But when I look at a girl like Victoria Pfeiffer. I instinctively know that a lot of guys who could show her a new way of looking at the world will avoid her and the ones that want her. Of course some will be fantastic people. But a lot will go for the status. 

A lot of the issues do have a self created element though, and it is for that reason I can't actually feel bad for them about this. A lot of twenty year old girls are really crappy to nice guys while they are chasing experience with flashy demons. Karma has to complete itself. But it is still something worth noting I think, all the same. 

My theory on karma is that when she is nasty to those 'nice guys'. They get angry and that's what creates the karma.

Dreams of death.

I wanted to do a post following on from this community note on my youtube:

I have discussed on this channel before opposing ideas of forgiveness without contrition. I am aware that if I am to talk about something like that it becomes relevant to explain how then, emotions are released and such, without that as a tool.

 

And I had a dream about this this morning. It isn't good 'form' in general I don't think to explain dreams but, I hope a small exception is OK.

 

There was a kind of 'low life criminal'. He reminded me of the corrupt cop in the first season of Lucifer. He managed to pull off both 'dangerous and tough' and 'kind of pathetic at the same time. He was making a deal with death and I was sitting next to them both. Death, this time in my dream and at others, has always had something distinctly feminine about the figure. Here there was no feminine form/ skin. It was more of a ghostly black figure that couldn't be seen. But the way the figure looked at me and felt, is a more feminine way of doing so. One of complete attention.

 

I am meant to be observing this story and not even able to be seen or interfere. Like a star trek style holodeck thing perhaps. Like peeking in on an already recorded scene in 3D. The deal this character is making with death is one that doesn't benefit him that much. But includes them killing someone else. This has a distinctly unpleasant feel to it. There is only more suffering for this character down this road. (I would assume!)

 

Since it doesn't bring him any benefit and I did not want the person killed that these two were planning to kill. I interferred with the scene, to the surprise of death, by asking the low life character why he was doing it, what he wanted, and asking in an aggressive way. He said he just wants to die, so I grabbed his neck in my arms and killed him. Death looks kind of pissed (plan obviously thwarted) and the dream ends there.

 

The one dream that the Law of One contact was asked to interpret they said that the dream was from a negative source so that does happen. Dreams can't be considered infallible. But if I were to take this as positive. I would think it would be something like that bible quote 'vengeance is mine saith the lord'. It strikes me that by taking this action I have made an enemy of death; by giving the low life what he wanted I have made an additional problem for myself. By alleviating his karma and the agony of his life I have separated him from malign forces, the suffering that his own character has earned.

 

In this case, the 'killing' of the character is a false form of toughness. The actual more ruthless thing to do would be to leave them to the karma of their own devices.

Annoying small formatting there. 

In my view this is a very interesting dream and insight. But I continued having insights into it after I posted this. 

Death being a ghostly black figure that couldn't really be seen is an interesting thing I think. And deeply feminine. Definitely some relevance to that energy in my own life. Death was kind of short as well. 

There is definitely a kind of misery that women in general can be kind of talented at. Definitely not all, this is not a red pill post or anything. But I remember when I worked in fast food. You get a bunch of guys together doing something that is not that high status, and they just get on with it. You would not be able to tell they had any inner conflict necessarily (doesn't mean they don't). But you get a group of women on a shift late night and you can FEEL the misery they bring to the interaction. They make eye contact with each other to communicate how bad everything is. It's like... Oh my god! 

Definitely not always. In one store I worked it was majority female and I never got that vibe. I think it happens primarily amongst women that think they deserve better. But in general, in my personal life as well, with women with depression and such. The energy of women to really engage with the misery that low status entails is really very oppressive in my opinion. 

That reminds me of this situation and how I have summarised it thus far. I said deaths energy was female, and the criminal character is engaging with that energy that is noticeably manipulative. In a way it could be talking about how people like that have women in their lives and so are subjected to that energy. Like, I don't need to bring karma down on someone that has a woman in their life that is committed to misery. Because that women day in and day out will concoct more and more ways to be committed to and spread such misery. 

Real life:

There is more to that female death though, psychologically, I believe. That black void that sucks all into it. But is not negative or aggressive. Still, not a person or energy I would want to cross. 

Way more to the dream though and the concept. Two things that both travel together. The QAnon narrative that I originally arrived at through David Wilcock fits with this. Rather than there being a magical new age fast mass change where the evildoers are all immediately arrested and the evildoers and conformists in the real world are suddenly unbelievably shocked. The idea of a slow, entropy laden society change where these people have to experience this degradation every single day is potentially a more potent karmic punishment. 

As well with David Wilcock himself. To put faces to this dream the low life criminal could have BEEN David Wilcock; and the person I wanted to protect, that a negative force (Stavatti) was agreeing with the criminal to target might have been Steven Cambian. I am powerless in any legal issue there but it still means I have emotions regarding this kind of thing. 

The dream of course doesn't just answer this single point if this were a correct interpretation. It will also give a general philosophical overview of such concepts. Never just the fish always to teach how to fish. 

I think my brain has kind of shorted out at this point. I did have an episode a few weeks ago where I got in a kind of anxiety spiral I couldn't get out of until I drunk quite a bit. I identified that I was doing too much and that dream interpretation was specifically something causing additional stress so I stopped that. Yet here I am!

Praying for others.

This post has a bit of background to it. A post I did on this blog, The Significator. Dated July 30th. A post I did two posts ago called 'Energy Exchange'. The entire theme is of energy exchange and prayer when a kind of codependent need arises and it has obviously been something I have been thinking about a while. 

Conclusions.

In the post "energy exchange", I concluded that prayer was OK under certain conditions. Previously, on a forum I made this post. This is an except of said post:

These are the experiences I have had with attempting to use prayer and/ or energy work to aid others:

 

A) In my teens or early twenties did some prayer for all those around me before bed each night. One of my close friends had an experience during that time that we both felt, I think, came from said prayer. He had had an argument with his fwb about him watching porn and she was now angry with him. He told me to stop doing this and not ever do it with him.

 

This guy engaged in a lot of degeneracy and has started to come around now more than a decade later due to medical issues.

 

B) Sent energy to my mother who came home many times more stressed than normal. Only five minutes.

 

C) Sent energy to a family member who became aggressively suicidal during this period. A very passive aggressive and dark person. Felt like he was trying to "throw off" the prayer.

 

D) Sent energy to mother again who had a sudden issue at work losing her laptop. It felt like since someone is being given an extra energy, if they are atheist and can't identify what the energy is or why it is suddenly there, they are more likely to push against it.

 

E) One that was actually successful. A female friend I had I have mentioned. Borderline and horrible insomnia. Month after month sometimes with about an hour sleep a night as she told it. I prayed for her once without telling her and she slept through the night. Phoned me super happy. Another time when I prayed for her she phoned me and said she had had a good day and was suddenly far more happy. This person was open and happy to receive prayer though. When I told her after the first insomnia thing she was happy and positive about it.

Even though there are sometimes exceptions. The general leaning and conclusion is that it is not best to pray for people for all sorts of reasons. I outlined an exception in the post called 'Energy Exchange', but I am walking that back now. 

Visiting the real world.

Following up on the post 'energy exchange talk'. From that post:

As I move forward in articulating what I think is relevant in bringing these abstract concepts to real life. I find that I can't dismiss many of the subjective experiences I have. I have to find some way to philosophise on these to make them relevant. This being something that will happen in the future though. A great deal of subjective experiences impacts on my life in relation to these concepts. But I try to make things as objective and real world as I can, in order for them to be useable.

In terms of the useability of these concepts. It seems to me that breaking things down to their most domestic every day manifestations is highly productive. 

But I also want to bring in something else. When we raise our attention to the level of all this energy work. Of things that are only perceived in the mind and not in factual reality. It brings in a whole other arena of processing the interactions happening there. Not for real of course. If we sit back and visualise a friend talking to us we don't imagine this is a real thing. Like, we can take our imagined communication and base reality on it. But, how we are engaging with this world might still be relevant. 

Going from this now, I am going to quote Stefan Molyneux as to what happens with the general process of codependency. Episode 4916:

2:09:00: 

It means that you, really want to change people around you, desperately want to change people around you, which is actually their desire not yours. If you want to change say… Sue. Some woman named Sue in your life. You try to change her, you want to change her, you keep going back. You email her, you send her messages you talk… you understand the desire to change her comes from her not you. She wants you to try and change her it gives her power over you. And she doesn't have much power because she's a [inaudible]. She's not connected to reality she's connected to opinions. Or CNN whatever right. So Sue, Susan. The desire to want to change Susan comes from Susan not you. You are a slave to her desire for you to change her. To want to change her.

 

If you were dating a woman, you kept taking her out on expensive trips. But she knew the moment she slept with you you'd leave her. Is she gonna sleep with you? No, because not sleeping with you gets her more benefits than sleeping with you. Not changing gets Susan and other people more benefit from you than changing. Because the moment they change, they go from a position of power, to a position of desperation. From weakness. From power to supplication. If they join you on the 'I want to change people' side. Then they're no longer on the position of withholding change and thus having power over others. Now, they're on your side. Which is the begging, supplicating, please change so I can be happy. I am a slave to you not changing.

 

Now who wants to go voluntarily from master to slave? Who wants to go from a high power, moral superiority situation? To a low power desperate begging dog situation. No, they're not going to change. Because you want them to change. They won't surrender high power, for low power.

Stefan Molyneux flat out sounds like Shakespeare sometimes. Here is another few lines. FDR Podcast 5345:

7 min: Dieting has a failure rate of 95%. When people have every incentive to help themselves. Encouragement. Health benefits. Longevity. What makes you think you can bat better than that. How many people start an exercise regime and stick to it for any length of time?

27 min: Your brother knows he's not going anywhere. 'Hey man you're not doing anything with your life'. He knows he's not doing anything with his life. But when you tell him that. He fights against you and that diminishes his stress at not doing anything in his life.

 

28 min: He can reject persons argument and that means he rejects his own anxiety.

From the notes I have taken, they are not nearly as clear as the previous example. The conclusion here is that you do not attempt to help people because it is close to impossible. It creates loads of issues such as that they might feel an anxiety towards change, and that if you become the symbol of said change they can reject you/ the change, along with their stress.

To be clear that does not mean you don't ever "state your case". 

In relation to prayer though, prayer I believe is relevant and powerful. It happens sometimes without any consequences or responsibility being incurred. I imagine, for instance, the local Christians prayed that I stop astrology when I saw them briefly. 

So it is worth bringing these philosophical insights to prayer. 

Conclusion.

The real conclusion here is that I am using a complex process to justify something I have already decided and that goes as follows. 

A) When going to the gym. That I have been doing recently now that my health has allowed it. (And I am a strong convert now!) It becomes clear that attachment in a real way to physical reality. The feeling of strength. Can separate a person from that 'realm' and that I think is a truly positive thing.

The process of introspection has lead me in a lot of cases to consider 'power' as a concept. Power in the real world effects these energies. Money etc. But it doesn't make reference to them directly. I think that is very valuable. 

B) The last relevant reason, and a difficult reason, to separate from attempting to help others by "prayer" is that I simply, get too tired! Someone elses issues are not my issues. Praying for someone that is continually making bad choices is putting energy down a black hole. This applies to the example that was successful in my earlier recounting of my own experiences praying and sending energy to others. The point is that I did not have the energy to continue to send energy to her. And now that my health has improved. I still don't have the energy to engage in that kind of thing. 

It is a hard thing to justify, on the positive path, to those with conscience. To actually remove energy to attempt to help others or care for them. It needs some truly deep and insightful explanation and information to do so. I feel that it was always a lie that society tries to make us be self centered. It seems to me now that society tries to make us codependent. Perhaps it makes the good people codependent. 

But this is my conclusion thus far. With all the back up posts. And I hope that it is a good enough case!

Apologies.

Apologies are something I am starting to find interesting. I spent many years, due to my medical condition. Not really processing a lot of how people behaved since I had too much of my own, biologically (not psychologically) created stress. I.e. due to my medical condition.

During this time, I developed a way of thinking that kind of bypassed a few elements of normal human interaction that I didn't really understand, or couldn't accommodate. I found it hard to grip the concept of 'status'.

However, now my physical health is improving. A lot of this output is to articulate my attempt to learn these lessons very quickly now. I haven't lived really. But I can observe. I can learn fast.

To codify this learning I am now looking into philosophy. 

Apologies.

Apologies are one area that really reflect a great deal of status based human interaction I think. I am also getting wise to the ways they are used, which is why I am writing this article. 

When I think of apologies I think of them in a very specific way. It might not be correct anymore, I might be becoming more neurotypical myself now that my physiology is functioning better. I might be neurodivergent in some way anyway. But when I think of apologies, I think of them in terms of how neurotypicals process the world. 

On the surface of it, it seems to me that the only reason neurotypicals engage in apologies is so that they can highlight that one person has animal power over another. Think of politics. When a group gang up on someone and insist on an apology. Usually getting it, and usually carrying on to harass the individual anyway. The entire point of that apology is that the target grovels to the social group, and that the group has then humiliated, and continues to humiliate, the individual.

Who has animalistic power matters a lot to neurotypicals (I'm not saying it doesn't matter to me I'm just working through this as an idea). It seems to me that it is the basis point of their interaction, and this happens both ways. A) It happens when one person expresses dominance over another and B) It happens when one person deliberately makes themselves out as submissive to another. 

The second is important because it is less obvious. When listening to Stefan Molyneux, he sometimes says when people are being excessively vague or have a host of other communication difficulties. That the person experienced abuse as a child and adopted behaviours to protect themselves. But now that they are an adult and speaking to him, he does not want to deal with excess vagueness because it is placing him in the position of being the abuser. If you are actually trying to get to the point of something, then excess vagueness is very annoying, and you have to constantly push the other person to be more clear... It's frustrating and pushes the questioner towards anger.

Utility

Now, this is not to say that it is not a practical method of communicating. Because there is now corruption and confusion around the issue. It is something I have been trying to get right in my own life and reflecting on. 

My model of neurotypicals is that they are always experiencing animalistic status. But perhaps, when not dealing in an abusive situation. The losing of power from one individual to another is part of what makes the apology relevant. It is a relevant currency. 'I am serious enough about this issue to take a hit to something that is very important to me, my animalistic status'. 

Personally, I naturally feel that this is, a bit of a circus act. To me, emotionally, apologies could simply be an explanation of what went wrong and why, and concrete steps to make sure the thing doesn't re-occur. But I recognise, that for the normal world. Apologies are a relevant way of communicating. I think though, that this is largely dysfunctional, as I will explain. 

I have probably apologised a few times in my life. These are always calculated. I have never meant an emotional apology once in my life. I have never felt those feelings. There are a few different things influencing this and one of the things that influences my interaction with others is a need to kind of settle a score. If someone is annoying me, I don't want to leave open any avenue for their contact in the future. This is quite paranoid, but it is nevertheless how I think. 

So, if there was an event in the past I want to explain my side of it, so if the person therapies themselves later, and I don't want to deal with them, they already have my explanation. If I am confused about some aspect of the past. I like to give the person the option to communicate even if they will likely reject it. So that no one can convince me, and I can't convince myself, that it all ended due to some disagreement and communication difficulty.

Apologies have been part of this for me. Do we have a good friendship that was pushed away by my behaviour that I can't fully perceive or recall (due to earlier health issues?) Then I will apologise now, and see how it goes. But I don't mean it. I don't have an emotional experience of regret or guilt that I did something wrong. It is only putting a different input into a coding platform to see if there are different results. 

The real world. 

I can remember one apology I made to someone in a friend group. Two that were given to me without me having requested them, but both to people that were being unpleasant and difficult and were seeking a change of behaviour from me, WITHOUT, I now realise, a change of behaviour from themselves. 

It took me by surprise because my model of neurotypicals had them not giving apologies, because of the refusal to lose status. But I realise, that is not their entire psychology. 

The function when I apologise to another that I mentioned, was to see if that person would be a potential friend in the future (I mentioned practical steps of not mentioning politics in general as my concrete behaviour change in relation to this apology). I was also owed an apology I believed, and this apology would also serve a practical purpose. The practical purpose being that the person was a rabid leftist that had gossiped about me, and I would have to walk on unbelievable eggshells to deal with them, and in order to do that I would need a bit of assurance that this would not happen again, that I could relax at least a little when interacting with them. No apology from the person was forthcoming because of course... Rabid leftist. Of course it would happen again. Those sorts of people are never wrong. 

However, of two apologies I have received. One of them was definitely, and distinctly, not a real apology and the second one I don't know for sure. But I also suspect that. 

One apology I received was a person that was actively disrespecting me and I could feel, constantly with this individual that he strongly wanted to be the 'dominant animal', and that he was willing to go to some lengths in the real world to do that. So I was saying to him I've had enough of this. He apologised, but shortly after, he ghosted me for two months. Which made a lot of sense to me. I could feel when he made the apology this would kill his own animalistic sense of himself. So when I got pushback like that, I was not surprised. 

Later in messages with this person I got down to it. I basically said to him that if we were going to interact, I needed an explanation of his stance on ethics. Since what ethical standards could I hold him to that would be dominant over his emotional preference. I.e. if his emotional preference were to behave badly again, what practical values does he hold to oppose that? No answer, so I haven't seen him since, and probably won't see him again. 

The second example was someone that apologised, then went back to precisely the same behaviour. This person often works to keep me in this kind of half relationship with them that I find annoying and utterly, utterly pointless. Potentially this is because at the moment I am ill and low status. But I might be of some value to them later on. I know others like this. I know people that if I gained in status, imagine like a stereotypical super talented musician film. Then these people would suddenly deign me worthy of communicating with them and would make contact. In my life, I am obviously high IQ, and some people might see this and act accordingly. Regardless of the merit of that idea.

The solution.

But both of these apologies have the same solution. If someone says sorry my now response is: What do you mean by that apology? What are you apologising for? What practical things are you intending to change in terms of your behaviour?

This answers both these individuals. Both the dominant, that think they can keep you around to perhaps have someone they can feel dominant to; and the submissive, who probably have abandonment anxiety, and are appeasing you but don't really mean it (because in their mind they are every bit as right as the dominant is!). The submissive will continue being vague, because that stuff is real deep in the psyche.

What precise behaviours are you actually going to change? Otherwise I'm not accepting the apology. And the danger that you are trying to avert by apologising will not be averted! This effectively takes the apology from a meaningless statement of social dominance. Truly meaningless, since there might be a revenge on part of the "apologiser" to regain their social status. It changes the apology then to something that has real world relevance. Behaviour that is not working needs to change. Are you going to change it? Then maybe, just maybe, it will become a functional way of communicating.

Energy exchange talk.

So, this will be my jumping off point for this blog:

https://youtu.be/KODgo6-unUc?si=tWTQgl3XE0KPg5mQ

If it doesn't embed. Then the video is 'When you think of someone, you send them energy' by Aaron Doughty. Dated 10th of October 2024.

I watched all of this video and it seems to follow on from the general theme of the channel. The general idea of people pleasing and such, as it is expanded into new age concepts. I recall this creator mentioning some Law of One concepts. 

It is a good video and it is an idea in an area that is kind of annoying. As I move forward in articulating what I think is relevant in bringing these abstract concepts to real life. I find that I can't dismiss many of the subjective experiences I have. I have to find some way to philosophise on these to make them relevant. This being something that will happen in the future though. A great deal of subjective experiences impacts on my life in relation to these concepts. But I try to make things as objective and real world as I can, in order for them to be useable. 

The Law of One was VERY clear that this area is legitimate and that visualising the sending of energy is deeply relevant. 

The points.

He talks a lot about one form of energy exchange, where someone is in love with another perhaps. Overthinking about another and sending energy in attempt to remain in emotional contact after a break up. 

While that is relevant, and I have something to say on that interaction. To me it feels like there is a lot more going on in energy exchange terms that can be discussed. 

I pray every day. I pray the armour of god and several others. I also have an Ankh and another necklace around my neck. When I say that prayer, often, immediately a lot of thoughts stop. I remember this very specifically in relation to a workplace where I was bullied for two years. It was not a corporate workplace. It was a small business, with around 14 on the ground staff and maybe 5 staff in management. 

The 'feeling', the just pure feeling of hatred being received from these people after I left (seeming, through coincidence, to kind of strategically outplay them at the end!) Was deep and insane. While I was in that business, there was a moment where I made eye contact with someone then got one of the strongest left ear ringings I have ever had. Demons ran in that space.

Feels therapeutic to talk about this.

This is one thing I have to say about the whole area and I think it depends on the specific energy field. I can impact others with my energy. But this is not real "energy", but a kind of cerebral process. I am just not a forceful person and it doesn't feel like my energy effects others unless I am extremely angry. My energy doesn't feel like it leaves my field a lot unless I am praying. 

But I do feel like I receive energy, and that's just the way it is.

Exceptions:

But, this is the general case. There are of course small exceptions.

One of them is my half sister. I have experienced yet again being hoodwinked into a kind of half relationship with her. I am not sure the point of this from her perspective. But I have experienced a fair bit of internal discomfort and a desire to protect her. Watching my dysfunctional father and his third wife and how they behaved, and being fairly powerless to do anything having been so ill in my youth... That sucks eggs.

So in this instance, I am not quite sure who is sending energy or what is going on. But it is more complex than normal. I have had close friends I have lost contact with that I never think about. But family, such a difficult situation. Is different. 

Very often I have thought about her and when I pray my normal shielding prayers and it subsides. But even so, I am quite sure the energy is not only coming from her it is also in me going to her. I also feel I might have locked off my understanding of my caring for her. Only after a few beers yesterday did I have that realisation! My rational thought process engages in a lot of "this transaction is favourable/ unfavourable" sorts of thoughts. But once I had drunk and got over that, I realised that she sits within me in a way that I can't rationalise out. 

The solution here though, I believe, is prayer. I have written previously, not here, but I have written previously on how prayer or sending any kind of energy violates free will. I have had a fair few experiences to justify this point of view. But, once you get so entangled that you are sending the love anyway, then I believe it is time to bring prayer in. 

Because once you have brought prayer in. You have invited positive spirits into the interaction to positively influence. Communication might become direct and crisper. Inspiration might abound. You are taking that emotion and pushing it through a process that makes sense of it. Finding its highest manifestation. I often choose prayer not written by myself in this part of the process. 

I can't speak for her. But it seems to me there is a heavy dollop of mutual, and dysfunctional at this stage, love, that is enmeshed in this situation. The other prayers were close connections. But not the same kind of love over communication difficulties. To express love in those other situations would have been just to talk to the person. But in this situation it is all confused. 

Insights

In the real world though, the way we stop overthinking things is to have insights into them. For instance, my father told me on his deathbed to look after said sister and I realised today how hypocritical that is. He was asking for an investment from me that he did not give to me. He was leaving said half sister with a woman that he identified as a man hater, which over time means that the relationship would likely be sabotaged. (This was his stated perception but she might have only hated him I don't really know.)

It is at this place I believe that such abstract and metaphysical concepts can be dismissed. If we change some part of our mind does it effect the way energies work? Well of course it does, and even the suggestion suggests a potentially very complex realm to explore.

But that is probably not needed. The relevance of a simple insight to change things is enough for the process of improvement I believe. I grew up with a single and chaotic mother. I also have other fawning behaviours from my illness. Will taking down my own blue pill - esque kind of thinking influence this situation? Well who knows? But these are the relevant questions to ask in my opinion.