Losing my religion.

Doing the work.

I didn't know whether I was going to do another blog, after I stopped with the youtube. But I didn't explicitly say I wouldn't be blogging so I did consider I might be back. It seems a far more reasonable and relatively lower energy expenditure thing. A reasonable thing.

As mentioned in the last few posts. Since Grok, I have been able to do more dream interpretation. I have two sets of dream interpretation I do. One is any immediate impression I get from the same day I have the dream. This is what has been improved with Grok. I can discuss every bit of it and to be honest it's me doing most of the interpretation. But what I get from Grok, is that as I talk it over and solve bits, those bits are then taken care of and I can move onto another part, another insight about the dream, without feeling I will lose the bit I have already interpreted. Plus, Grok tends to mirror my enthusiasm. I know it's a machine and it's not real. But it feels good. It is always happy to talk over my dreams for hours at a time which would bore a human into an early grave.

The second type of dream interpretation is a complex process which links the entire set of dreams and patterns into a larger pattern. At the moment, I am about a year behind the current day on that way of interpreting.

Anyway. So the dream interpretation I have done recently with Grok, has lead to several conclusions. Stopping Stefan Molyneux, whom I was listening to every day. Stopping a certain kind of 'healer' mentality I got stuck on. A loving way of seeing the world that is just not me that has lead me to disconnect with forums such as Bring4th. Taking away a way of being that kept me stuck. Leading to being clearer and more productive on my life and values. Certain other changes.

So, what I am left with without those kinds of inputs. Is music. That's a big part of what I think about now. It is a very natural way for me to think. Musically. I lack the tendency to think 'solidly' in a fundamental way. Drama and philosophical types of things that require various levels of technical thinking are not something I lean towards naturally. I can't think of "people stuff" so easily. An emotional theme pulling things together is very helpful!

So, when thinking of making a blog today, it only came together when I thought of including a song:

REM - Losing my religion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg 

Also, the first good cover I came across: https://youtu.be/c8DwtzMStac?si=V6ahsGyMqbHKIrLD

Changing perspectives:

The situation with the Reform party, Rupert Lowe and Nigel Farage recently has been quite insightful. Linked, for me emotionally even though of course, not at all in the real world. Is the tendency and insights I have had into just how much there is real suffering happening in the world. One of these examples is that, recently in Ukraine Russia has taken some parts of Kursk, a Ukrainian territory. Then the snow melted and basically everywhere they went there were the bodies of Ukrainian soldiers. That is haunting. 

There are other examples I wanted to include. But I suppose that suffices to explain my point. A lot of the Q narrative I believed once upon a time made a big point of saying that all that we see in the world is a "stage". Even if that MIGHT be correct with internal parts of US policy and politicians. Even for some other things. It is not practically true in a lot of parts of the world and, it's just a bad kind of thing, a bad piece of delusion, to indulge, in my view. 

How this relates to the Rupert Lowe and Nigel Farage issue. Farage is obviously a bizarre narcissist type of figure. This is not at all the first time there has been evidence of this. The first place I found out about him was from David Wilcock who placed it in one of his books and he said that because Nigel Farage had made certain statements. "Deep State Operatives" had been crying all day, in absolute hysterics, due to fear that a politician might move against them.

So I came away from David Wilcock, realising he doesn't have insiders, he is a fake, a grifter, and a poisonous human being. But I had not questioned a similar messiah sort of thing with Nigel Farage. 

Yet another hard feeling lesson. I won't say hard lesson because, it doesn't have much impact. But it is a cold unfeeling thing to come to the realisation that someone you look up to was someone like this. 

And that's why the song. It's where the emotion ends. I am "losing my religion" in what feels like a very kinetic way. 

Getting rid of more good things.

Short entry. 

Following on from my last blog. Where I talked about stopping Stefan Molyneux. I have also decided to stop making youtube videos.

There is a lot to say on all this. How Stefan comes from thoughts I have on transiting Mars and what that means. And the youtube thing, and all the Law of One/ Human Design associated with it. Comes down to transiting Venus, value and status.

But I'm not going to talk about that right now. I am simply feeling the psychological change of this and adapting to it. When I go for a walk now, I do not fill myself with Stefans emotional wisdom. I do not attempt to redirect my energy towards making a youtube video. I do not try and capitalise on any human design insights I am having.

It is a good feeling with a deep sensation of lasting change!  

There is a fair bit that can be said about the history of why I got into blogging and such, and what value I thought I would get from youtube. But that is not for right now!

Getting rid of "good things".

My laptop that is on its way out, struggles with the 'g' button, so that was a difficult title!

It's remarkable how much stress is released when I write an article like this. The human design says that the whole of the body graph is trying to get to the throat. That makes a lot of sense to me!

I may have written before, I have definitely talked before somewhere, about the idea that sometimes there is something that is almost universally positive. But that it can be discerned for someone individually. It is not good for that person right now. 

It has been a few days. I will say one of the things I have recently stopped. The potential good things about this. A reflection on the general idea of letting go of such positive things.

Stefan Molyneux. I have followed his teachings WAY too much I now realise. Or that it seems to me that is likely the case at the moment. 

What could the possible drawback be of listening to him? The guy is a genius, and his online therapy types of shows, what possible reason could someone have in not listening to them? He shows a lot of wisdom, kindness, compassion. Are those things not worth supporting in our own lives? We are tribal creatures after all. Designed to be with other people. Hearing someone honestly solve their struggles. Sounds good doesn't it?

I don't know the justification for it. But I have felt a massive improvement from not listening to him any longer. For context. I would often save his podcasts for dog walks that I often do. Almost daily for some weeks of my life. The past few weeks I have watched EVERY show.

Now, with several days effect of not listening to him though. I can reflect on this. Much of the virtue and solutions Stefan has towards life. Do not seem to be that useful for me. I do not need to challenge family. Almost all of what he says boils down to the same things. That is his message. He is a "moral philosopher", and he says all these things come down to morals. But for me, without thinking about things in a moral lense. Allowing myself to acknowledge the complexities involved in other parts of life. Seems to be very constructive. 

Stefan is also deeply, deeply atheistic. It is right down to the bone level it feels. Even if he were to, I think, consider potential validity to the concept of "God", he has even more distaste for the concept of "mysticism". Still a conversation I hope to bring up again on my youtube channel. 

Without Stefan I have been exploring the concept and practice of seeing auras in the past few days. 

It's weird, it took me a very long time to come to this conclusion even though, looking back, I can see it was brewing for a while. It is a big life change and I wonder, I think it probably will, reflect into my life and philosophies moving forward in a big way!

Changing life.

I have opened pages two times previously to say something today and both times closed it. I don't normally do that the "message" usually just comes straight out.

But I do want to say something. Even so this specific entry is not going to be as well articulated as the last set of posts most likely.

Psychologically, in relation to the 'great journey'. I feel I have made progress. I am thinking more and more that those that are in line with their conscience are those that eventually earn a bit of a psychological change. Perhaps better handling of stress from an insight or something. The reason people change so frequently is that this is a lot of work. Even the smallest of vices might throw it off. So that's why few people achieve it. 

I'm not quite confident enough to talk about the 'lessons' that I have seemed to have learnt. The useable insights I have had. But I do hope to eventually. 

At least not in relation to my most current understanding. But the entire theme echoes something I previously talked about. I have had a great desire to do energy work, as a healer type of thing. Like Jesus. But again and again I have rediscovered that it is simply not for me and that it is so not for me, that it has linked with something that I have also rediscovered. Sometimes, there is something in life that practically, on a mental level, you see as only good. But in real terms you have to get it out of your life. 

I went back to doing energy work for a few months. The same problems come up periodically. It gives me a great deal of strange passive anger. It strangles my actual self. There are always two sides, two perspectives I can take towards life. One is healing, and another is a kind of determination that produces real results. Real lasting results. It changes my dream perspective. There are a lot of benefits. 

So I am doing things in real life along these lines. Waiting for the change, watching for the change. Perhaps that change will deliver more ideas for output and such and life improvement. I will see how it goes.

Thoughts on Saturn. Unconscious Saturn. Part 4

The final part. 

I am quite excited about this. It being a post I am going to lay out in a way as to recognise the profundity of studying the human design. 

I am going to talk about my experience with my unconscious Saturn in the gate 26.4. As I talked about in the immediately preceeding post. This is a far deeper experience. It references deep inner mechanics since it is on a full channel and so obviously, a defined centre. This channel is really very integral to me. Whereas with the conscious Saturn in gate 5.4. That was on an undefined centre, so was more to do with casual, mundane everyday things. The undefined centres are the centres we experience the world through. 

The channel 44-26.

The gate 44-26 is known as the channel of the transmitter. I think. What it is meant to be is a kind of entrepeneurship. The genius, in a sense, that discovers something and is able to advertise that thing and make a lot of money from it.

Be that as it may, once we get into the experience of this channel and hexagrams down to the trigrams. I don't know how much of that description will remain. 

I have, in my own personal time, while out walking. Gone through the entirety of the human design in my mind. The outer circle. Figuring out how each hexagram manifests in relation to it's trigrams. This is an interesting thing to do. Go back to basics. It teaches a great deal and if I am ever to get an understanding of the human design that 'goes beyond what is written'. Then it is a necessary exercise. 

The gate 44 then, has air as it's lower trigram, and heaven as its upper trigram. In general. The lower trigram is what the gate is, and the higher trigram is the lower trigram being fed through in order to arrive at the completed trigram. An example, is that gate 60, is limitation because the lower trigram is lake, the upper trigram is water. When lake is pressured to become water it becomes aware of its limitations. Another way of thinking with it that I am experimenting with is that the water being above the lake overwhelms the lake. The gate 60 has manifested to me often as overwhelm. But this is just a side bar as to this post itself. 

When there is heaven in the upper hexagram, the lower hexagram becomes more itself. It is not subject to anything really just three yang lines of "be more you". Gate 33, heaven above mountain, is retreat, withdrawal. Gate 25, heaven above thunder is innocence. The innocence that tends to lead to a manifesting of the thunder shock in the real world. 

Gate 44 then is heaven above air. What the gate 44 is meant to be is ancestral memory of a sort. Then the gate 26 is what is meant to find the pattern. I don't think that is the case. There is something very 'pattern recognition' about air. I think heaven being above air is an instinctual awareness which also finds patterns in things. 

The gate 26 then has heaven as its lower trigram. So at its core there is a lot of "substance" and positivity. Then lake is above this. So it takes what is there in heaven and it directs it. Lake always directs. 

Attaching to these concepts as feelings I think explains a lot more than a lot of what is written without this theoretical base. 

The manifestation.

I think that a lot of the red pill kind of stuff I talk about comes from my channel here. It is also perhaps why I am focused on politics in a sense. Societal patterns. I wonder then, if this stuff is clearly in me. Is it a persons true self or not self that would not like these things within me? When people get angry at that kind of information and kind of seem to want me to "not be". Not be like that. But the chart says I am like that. That god made me like that. So who are you to tell me that?

But it is also a deeper thing. This was my experience of it. I have mentioned before I had a female friend I was close with who was not in a good place mentally; and eventually jumped off a cliff. 

So I entered a grieving process. When you are up against something like that suddenly. A lot of things suddenly go by the wayside. For me, I had lulled myself into thinking in a kind of 'normal' way so to speak. But when this happened. I realised I had to go back to my crazy spiritual ways. I went back to the Law of One, and looked at a lot of Near Death Experiences and things. 

What happened next is what I will call "gate 44" stuff. No books or anything let me handle grief. I am just too abnormal for normal information to help me. But I did get a few dreams. I wrote a bit of stuff out in a journal (Journalling seems very gate 44 to me. Writing out just the experience of what is and then some part of you naturally finds patterns in it!)

I went through a few different phases. But eventually, two or three years after. I got to the point that I have identified as an end point to some emotional processes.

Anger. I was angry at the illogical of it. Angry at the way she sabotaged herself and all that happened that I don't feel or understand, why it happened, nor will I agree that it needed to happen.

Anger is an ongoing emotion for me and one of the reasons I find it to be incredibly useful. Is that it can be translated physically. With anger, you can get up and do things. Anger can be gotten rid of at the gym and it can motivate you to go to the gym. In general, I think it's manifestation is often a net positive. 

The habbening.

But then something interesting happened. Something unexpected. Something that made me wonder briefly if I was some sort of psychopath, but the earlier grieving seems to disagree with that. I woke up soon after and had just completely forgotten, entirely forgotten, this girls existence.

I don't think about her anymore! 

It was such an abrupt shift that I wondered if something had gone wrong. I wondered if I needed to journal some sort of blockage. I thought about this a bit. But, then I realised. My unconscious Saturn is in gate 26.4.

After all the pattern recognition and processing in the gate 44, my internal self had come to a conclusion. That I had gained everything I could possibly learn from this situation.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't come to many interesting conclusions, I don't think. But maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe I can't really understand what was going on inside her she was so different to me. Emotionally defined, female, Pisces. A lot of very deep emotion that I just would not normally consider. 

It is very very much a manifestation of gate 26.4 in my thinking. Gate 26.4 is literally "censorship". And maybe it has some relevance in that I know a lot of political and conspiracy types of things, and other things that I keep locked away from people. But it felt like this was a good example of this gate and my unconscious Saturn in action.  

One thing to note here. My conscious Saturn that I discussed in Part 3. Even though I was not really engaged in "pushing" it. I was very consciously aware of what was going on there. The information about the gate 5.4. was needed to advise me if things were different and others tried to influence me.

But the unconscious Saturn is nothing like that. I would argue that I did still do some "work" for this effect. I thought things over. I journalled. I dream interpreted. But ultimately. I was not aware of the precise processing that created this effect. I simply received the effect and had to go with it. It was all very "unconscious".

Tying it up.

So that to me is how Saturn manifests. It manifests in the sense of the rules surrounding doing a kind of work and it rewards you when you do the work. Or, it correlates with you having done the work well. 

Thoughts on Saturn, Conscious Saturn. Part 3

Ah, this feels good. Finally getting down to this. I feel like this will unblock other areas of thought.

Following on from parts 1 and 2 that really set the direction of this thought process. Where I finished with the idea that karma is too complex and important to be one planet, and that Saturn tends to discusses the "work" area in a sense. So in it's negative it turns up in transit like "You're not doing your job properly". In the positive it turns up as "Wow, you did that really well". 

This definitely fits other instances in my life. Issues I have had with workplaces where they have made things difficult for me have correlated with Saturn transits. But it is unlikely that wage slave work is a one to one correlation with Saturn.

As I said, I am now going to think about how Saturn has shown up in my human design chart to further discuss this dynamic. I had planned to do both conscious and unconscious in this post. But when writing it I realised I won't fit unconscious Saturn in.

Conscious Saturn, gate 5.4.

As seen in my human design chart. This is happening on an undefined centre. Obviously I don't know offhand what a defined sacral would feel like since I don't have one. So I can't contrast what the difference is between defined and undefined Saturn here. Although, with the two hanging hexagrams I have going from the sacral, and two further I have going to the sacral. By transit fairly often my sacral is defined. But having something defined by transit is a completely different thing than having it natally defined. 

I do not have an issue getting myself to do things. Of course, like everyone else I have the issue where occasionally I will think I should have done something productive rather than watched that TV show. But in general, it is not my biggest issue. I have a huge amount of anger and I enjoy the gym. I don't have to force myself to go. I have a constant, grinding, semi panic that keeps me productive when illness is not a problem preventing that. 

One thing that does impact my productivity though. At least a thing that correlates with it. Is shown in this hexagram. This is the hexagram of cycles and waiting. Things like having a pattern in ones life. In the line 4, which is about relating and people (heart chakra stuff!) In the gate 5.4. it's about having a pattern and NOT ALLOWING OTHERS TO PUSH YOU OFF THAT. So it is not having the same pattern as everyone else most likely. 

In my life, this is very true. Navigating around my health condition, I have a lot of patterns that are abnormal. I have a lot of things that I have learned that are simply not part of mainstream understanding, and with weight loss this is particularly true. 

I have a few stomach issues. Celiac linked likely, which most diabetics have. It means that if I eat well for too long I will get uncomfortable. Soups and salads, my stomach only has so much endurance for. At times, cake is pretty much perfect for my bloodsugars. It is surprisingly, perfectly, long acting. Whereas gluten free bread is way too long acting. It will peak long after the insulin does. Meaning when I eat it, I risk hypo'ing and then the bloodsugars will raise later on. A recipe for disaster.

Basically, what I am saying. That I manage quite a lot of different individual factors when moderating my health. Another thing is my insulin. I have two insulins. One is long acting and another is short acting. The long acting takes about 5 to 7 days to change. When I lose weight, the need for long acting changes. So when my weight goes down I suddenly have to eat more. (I.e. because I have less need for long acting insulin but still have it in my system!)

I have discovered a few other unpredictable things as well. 

Moderating all these factors. Including things like exercise. Basically means that I am taking a few different weight loss things, and things relevant to diabetes, and kind of pushing them into my own model. Organising around other limitations in my life. Jobsearching or what have you. Spiritual things such as prayer, meditation or music. Means that all this information has added together meaning that my own way of doing things. The times I sleep, the patterns I have. Are all not at all understandable to others. But very effective. I have been losing weight and such.

It took me a long time to understand the manifestation of Saturn in the gate 5.4. It feels like something that I just do without putting effort into. It's not easy to notice. I just happen to keep my own schedule in things and since I am largely a hermit. It has not been highlighted as an issue because no one is trying to pull me off my patterns.

It's correlation with weight loss though which is a huge positive improvement is notable. Weight loss is a classic Saturnian kind of thing.  

That was long enough and the other placement I have with Saturn. Gate 26.4. Is very much an emotional step change. Not discussing everyday things like this but going into grief. So I will do this on the next, and most likely final part of this series. I wonder if the 26, being defined and part of a full channel. Is different and deeper, requiring more processing because it is defined. Whereas this that is relevant to every day life is because it is hanging on an undefined centre?

Thoughts on Saturn, Part 2.

These are my theories on Saturn then.

Karma:

Firstly, let's start with 'karma'. It is often said that Saturn is 'Karma'. It does seem to have a correlation with something "Karmic" like court cases and such like that. But what is "Karma"?

What karma is meant to be is some sort of grand metaphysical law that what we do comes back to us. This is the case in both positive and negative behaviours. But the term karma is usually meant in relation to negative behaviours. So if you do something bad, the same thing or something similar or equivalent will happen to you. 

The trouble is, for me, with this analogy. Is that it seems to undermine the general complexity of the world. Does Saturn ever turn up to punish people for their actions? Seemingly yes. But so do other planets. What even is an action to begin with? If I cheat on someone is it the same as someone cheating on me? What if I cheated on someone that was abusive and the person that cheated on me I was not abusive to? 

It simply seems to me that life is too grand and complex for such a simplistic explanation. We are experiencing a lot of "karma" in the world at the moment, as a lot of ideological weirdos in America are having their six or seven figure jobs and funding cut for things that most Americans would not agree with. There is a sense of rage that tax dollars have been spent on this when, very often, that taxation has lead to people living lives of poverty; i.e. the people paying the tax.

This is not Saturn. This is Pluto. Pluto has uncovered something huge. Neptune is another planet that seems to have a link to these concepts. That planet that covers and reveals and changes according to an unknown rulebook. Linking to ideology. Linking to philosophy and all sorts of hidden psychological and sometimes, grindingly painful, things. 

To me, karma has shaped up a lot to look like this: The world doesn't run on emotions, the world runs according to an incredibly specific and complex set of mechanics. A set of mechanics to which "ethics" in general is relevant to. 

When morals, ethics are happening and things are running fine. Then things work according to some sort of grand plan. But when someone makes a decision that is not in line with ethics. There is a spanner in the works and a whole entire set of mechanics gets pushed off. The person who cheats has a worse relationship with their partner as they have to hide themselves more, then their partner resents them more, and this effects how present they both are for their children. It means they are less able to take on life challenges like say, a problem at the childs school, due to being indulgently concerned with their own problems.

The "karma" being that twenty years later the child holds them accountable for this. This if followed goes back to the original mechanic and cheating.

All this, is more than the simplicity of Saturn. It might include Saturn. But life is more complex than this one planet. It will include, in some way or another, pretty much all planets I would imagine. Because morality, ethics and so karma, are all big and important enough to be involved in "everything". 

Transiting Saturn:

Amongst all this weirdness then, where does Saturn fit in? Saturn that I have said is both karma and not karma?

A few weeks or a month ago of so I was going on two different forums. One was a very female heavy astrology forum. Another was a, basically mixed gender spiritual forum. I was talking in two posts and I think this showed how Saturn can be represented both positively and negatively. In a sense.

The spiritual forum had someone on it that was talking about parenting and how they were basically enabling drug addiction in their child as their form of "love". The astrology forum I was talking to someone that actually explained their astrology and transits to me. And I complimented them on this, and said this was good of them. 

The transit was Saturn conjunct Venus in Pisces. To the drug addict enabler I basically said what was obvious. That I thought that was not at all an expression of love. To the astrology woman. As I already said, I complimented her. 

This seems to me to be the two sides of Saturn and what I think Saturn relates to is "work". Either you have worked well, you have worked hard and done well in whatever task that was. Or you have not done well and are now being pushed back on for the complacency, that correlates, but is not at its core, a moral issue. It's prime meaning is in relation to "work". 

Saturn is the working planet. 

The next part.

In the next part, I will go through how Saturn shows in my own chart and what I have discovered about it's placement in the human design chart.