Reflections on caffeine and myself.

Caffeine is really bad for me. I think it is probably uniquely me. At least from peoples descriptions they are not getting bad things from it. Although people can and do delude themselves a lot. To some extent we do need to take other at their word. 

Nevertheless. For me, for a LOT of reasons. Caffeine really seems to hit a few bad notes. It messes with my bloodsugars. It changes my baseline to burn more sugar, that is really not good long term in trying to find stability in that. It invades my mind like a kind of buzzing of bees. Fills it with imaginings and intense visualisation. Sometimes beautiful, but not ideal. Not under my own control. It is the opposite of meditations although often provides valuable insights.

I also do far less music when I have had caffeine. I think that might be because it provides a kind of good feeling that I seek from music when I am not having caffeine.  

It seems to dissociate me a bit. It creates a little nerve trouble. Twinges. As someone with schizophrenic tendencies. Uppers are not good. There is a distinct dissociation I get with them. I know caffeine is a very low level of upper because most audiences will have some people that have had the real illegal upper. 

I have said this a bit and it always makes me feel self conscious for doing so. There are a lot of excuses people give like I have said and I feel that people are assuming I am making up an excuse. But I have never had any particular issue with alcohol. I can have one beer and not think about it for a few weeks. 

Anyway, I have recently read a few absolutely beautiful passages on sacrifice and the Law of One's general philosophy. I feel that chocolate, as beautiful as it is, is my sacrifice. I have a bit more powdered chocolate which I cannot throw away (emotionally, it will probably run out tomorrow). I had to have caffeine for a while to stimulate my bowels for constipation. But now I am hoping to transition to smoothies, which I can put strange powders in (Spirulina or whatever). I have a blender sitting infront of me right now. 

It is good, exciting, a movement forward. If I can get off chocolate then I feel I can move forward.

Partly the reason I have written this is that I am amped up on chocolate and so I cannot write anything else. I do not trust myself, and am not focused enough, to explore other thoughts I am having.