Spiritual breakthroughs.

Feel like I should do another one. 

As I calm down from caffeine. Get the insight from not having the caffeine and the last batch of caffeine having driven me a bit nuts. So I'm getting a few insights. This is the second blog post of the day. 

I'm thinking of a girl I once knew. Absolutely lovely and the perfect thing for what I wanted at the time. Just perfect. A lot of what her personal experience was in life was exactly what I was interested in. Everything really fit. 

She was a bit off the wall though and she killed herself. 

Two things that have improved me recently. One is that I have cleaned a lot of my personal space and there is a lot less dust than there was. I think there are subconscious effects of this. I was effectively in a constantly anxious state from the dust allergy. But now that that has calmed I have insights. The kind that make me surprised I didn't have them far earlier. 

A dysfunctional person in my life, I have lost contact with this person now and I had not thought about much, but had always made an effort to accommodate when I knew her. I realised, emotionally, the other day that I don't really have to bother with her. It was just an emotion, a relaxation, that I was not aware of previously. It would be productive if this applied to a few people. 

Another thing I am obviously doing is coming off caffeine. The combination of these two things gives me a stronger link into my emotions. 

The lovely girl I mentioned earlier, there is a sense of grief for her. She died in 2022 and I have not processed this enough I don't think. By actually feeling it. But this is a good thing to get through. I would not want the grief coming up at future times and sabotaging my life. 

But there is also insight. I'm wondering to myself, and the catalyst of the pain of remembering her is relevant here. What was the message? What can I improve? Etc. 

The thing that I could improve was that when I knew her, my spirituality had definitely lapsed. After 2014, I had come away from all spirituality due to a schizophrenia issue. I could not engage with things like meditation without getting fears and compulsions. In 2020, while I knew her, I properly engaged with my dream interpretation. Which I think largely solved the schizophrenia issue.

Meaning, I could return to things like meditation and the Law of One. Which I did not do immediately. The experience of being with her and it all going so catastrophically wrong I believe is a large part to do with my lack of loyalty to my faith. The solving of a lot of issues came when I started doing communion. 

The fact that I felt I had to come away from those spiritualities. That it felt as though it was not even my choice. Is not something I think is taken into account, on the cause and effect level. Maybe on some karmic level it is. But karma is not visible. The point was was that I was lax in my spirituality and I did not have a lot of the positivity and protection that I would have had as part of it.

It could be that being properly spiritually engaged would have guided me away from her in general, or changed the relationship so some of the things I liked about it were no longer there. I can't know. But I still think this is the lesson.  

So I got a good result from what wasn't really good behaviour. Now that I am doing said good behaviour, I don't have a friend like that. I don't have a good result, and I miss her. But I do think the good behaviour is going to lead me in a completely different direction. Different behaviours, and the results that I got on that other path might have been desireable. But I might not get those again.