I am not quite sure about this post. There are things that I have observed and noticed, but I can't be one hundred percent sure on conclusions yet.
As I have said in my previous blogs. My spiritual life and meditation had received a few good insights and things have suddenly gotten a lot more powerful. I had suddenly raised up a level.
I was just about to articulate some of this stuff and put it into a youtube, start practicing some new ideas I had that borrowed from philosophy. But then, I appeared to get the response to my energy raise.
Firstly a reflection. I have been thinking recently at how unbelievably screwed I was when I was in my late teens and early twenties. It was not adviseable for me, I have decided/ discerned. To have a girlfriend. My medical condition simply made that too difficult and in 2014 I had a schizophrenic break and a suicide attempt. The emotional intensity that a woman, sex, and a lot of associated things could cause would, I think, have been very bad. I was also not motivated towards those things.
However, it is a strange thing to reflect on at how completely I believed, and was encouraged to believe, that this was the right thing to do. I believed one hundred percent that one of the most important challenges to my life was cold approaching a girl in a club, or chatting with a girl at where I worked part time in a supermarket, and getting a girlfriend. I did not have a lot of parental guidance as to what was good or not. My medical condition was largely hidden even from myself. Television and my peer group. All of it conspired to make the believe that to be true.
But it wasn't true. It was a lie.
This is quite a thing to consider. The fact as I perceive it most of the time is that not a lot of the world really is on my side. I can't justify why I would engage in anything.
Jobseeking is an example. I wanted a job, and I have been unemployed for a while. Due to my medical condition. I am doing entry level minimum wage type of work that is A) female heavy and usually prioriised to females. Such as have you ever seen a male doctors receptionist? I haven't either but I still apply for those roles. B) Really designed for younger more "hip" people that employers really like employing. Usually because they are naive enough to work free overtime and they have a lot of additional energy for socialising and making the workplace a "family".
My jobseeking has started for a long time to feel a bit pointless. I like getting interviews so I can tell the jobcentre I am doing something.But, I know, that if there are fifty candidates to one position. Which is a conservative estimate. I am not getting the job against the many other candidates. Young and/ or female as in the last paragraph. Under this left wing government DEI is also an issue. I have gotten a distinct increase in diversity questionnaires since they came into power. But in fairness I do see white males employed.
My last job. It was good for money. There is no reason I would not want a job and that it would not be good to have one. To get supplements and to plan the next move in my life to improve.
But the job market is terrible and it feels like a kind of zombie economy where everything is kind of walked through without there being the opportunity to succeed. If you go to a work fair. The jobs are not there. I won't go through why. The little workshop type things with desks of different people to help with jobseeking tend to be performative. Even volunteering is very difficult.
At a certain point. Jobcentre like organisations might want you to hassle employers for feedback. But this is a step too far for me. The feedback is that there were 49+ other candidates. An individual company has the right to not employ me I'm not going to intimidate them.
So considering this all in the sense of my spiritual path and such. It seems to me that living as I do within my means. Doing positive things for the person I live with. Focusing on music, the Law of One, meditation, human design etc. Getting insights into philosophy and making youtube videos. Is the most productive thing I can do?
The problem with the jobcentre and the jobmarket is that the government has destroyed the jobmarket through various means. Some that are not really their fault, like AI. Some that definitely are like inflation, immigration and lockdown. So in this relationship. The government can never be wrong. If you are on welfare because they have screwed the jobmarket. In practice, the implication is that it is your fault since you're the one that gets the consequence.
The issue I mentioned at the beginning is that the jobcentre has suddenly ratcheted up the pressure. I was able to put in a process that highlighted when I had tried to look for a job and the reasons I was not able to find one in a set of job listings. All good examples. Things like I don't have a drivers licence or management experience.
So, as I get a boost of energy from improved meditations and other things. That energy is suddenly clamped down on from the jobcentre and I am not too stressed to follow up like I had planned to. I am basically resting from the incredible anxiety. Trying to stop myself going in paranoid loops. it is highly likely, now that the process has changed to be results focused. I.e. what job did you apply for. Not how many did you look at. It is highly likely I will have to be less honest in general. Not that I will fake jobs. I am too paranoid for that. But I will be applying for more that I know I won't get. Just to have something to write down.
My real question. I'm sure we all have similar questions. Is, in relation to myself and my polarity. Could it be that this pressure from the jobcentre could possibly lead in a service to others direction? Could it be that it might motivate me to successfully get a job? or say, push harder on the volunteering, and that would be good. Whatever that looks like. Money? Friends? Clarity on my career and such? Or is it just flatly negative. The jobs aren't there and the government, like an overgrown child, can't accept fault. So I am just made to do a lot of more stressful and time consuming admin and the real service to others thing is music, philosophy and the Law of One? (Which perhaps can be leveraged into a better life at some point in the future)
Or perhaps it is an opportunity to handle stress well? This can't be the only stressful situation I will meet in life.
I suppose that's a question I can't really know the answer to. But it is frustrating. Trying to put the world together when, the real world. The world of women and work. Just doesn't seem to be on my side, and there is nothing I seem to be able to gain from it most of the time.