Meandering.

Not sure what to write here, feeling strange. 

I am doing my communion late this week. Part of the reason is that I have "intuitively" not felt that it was right to do earlier but... I think sometimes pushing against what "intuitively" feels right is correct. Because intuitively can just be being very sensitive. 

I still don't feel it's right to do but I am doing it now. Sometimes some part of us just resists the higher positive forces. 

Anyway, so fairly recently I wrote a post where I aired my anger against various things in the world. I identified this post later as probably not correct and part of my kind of untuned week. Not having played enough music. 

But, there is some relevance to it but just, nothing that can gain the position of becoming manifest. Yes, I am annoyed at a lot of this passive aggression but bringing a voice to what it means just doesn't seem to flow correctly.

Clicking into place

The way I think it is best to process these things is through music and various other things. This is what has struck me lately. 

Things are kind of clicking into place. For one, I am exercising regularly. I have never been able to do this before and this will make a big positive difference. It is about basically increasing my energy so I can take on challenges. I am also playing music regularly. As something that is relevant, sometimes I play for an hour a day, and I can get to a stage where I am not thinking in words. 

My thoughts though are about how we handle the great amount of trauma that most of us are experiencing. Have experienced. I think, one of the first barriers is that, in order to gain any solidity to our wounds, especially the more abstract things that need to be articulated. The subtle things. We need to give ourselves permission to have them. 

As I have said before, the world likes to not give us a right to those wounds. Either by minimising them. Or by simply not acknowledging them, perhaps by putting them in a losing competition with someone elses pain. I remember having been bullied at an office job by women and the general attitude is that women are the victims so no one else can be a victim. 

The other one that I mention is forgiveness without contrition. If you are emotionally blackmailed and cajoled into saying you forgive something and the other person has not even acknowledged it. It is invalidation. 

On a basic level, in order to have your own emotions, in order to feel that you even have a right to your own emotions on an animal level you need to have strength. When we do not have strength and are reliant on others we have to yield our emotions to some extent. If I am living at someones house and not paying rent, and they want to borrow something of mine, then I have less leeway to say that it's mine and they can get bent, as an example. I might have some leeway. But since the other person has the power, the emotion cannot be solidified that something is my property. 

In the internal world.

The slight strengthening I get from doing music and such, from my health improving, allows me to feel that I have the right to some of my feelings and that feels GOOD. I can't describe the intimate feel pleasure this is. These are my emotions and I have the right to them. If a bunch of girls in an office job behaved to me in a disgusting way, I have the right to dislike them. 

It is, super comfortable. It is a cold feeling. Rage. But still comfortable. Like, I have noticed when I go to the gym, I get a physical sense of a grounded reality that is very strong. Not particularly pleasant but comfortable. I wonder if I have been processing things while I have not been so well in a very female way. 

But, the reality of the day to day. I am poor. I have few prospects. A lot of people have bullied me. A lot of people have treated me like dirt and I am not obliged to be any kinder to them if I am ever in the position of power. 

It is a journey, a process. I have started writing music. It is a surprisingly slow process. I have always written music but I am laying it out better. Organising it better. Working on the same song over a period of time and things. 

Many, many of these songs are unbelievably dark and I don't intend to sing them to others. I intend to use the playing of them as a mechanism to practice writing songs. I think maybe the songs that come later will be more presentable - my technical proficiency on the guitar is improving and with improvements these things get written into songs. Lyrically though, there is a lot of this substance. This rage. I do not feel like it is over yet. I feel like the next song I write or dredge up from an audio recording or physically written notes will probably be just as seething and dark. 

But, it is still healing. 

Articulation.

The process, the eventual end goal I assume is to express all this in a way that makes it positive. In a way that something that was irredeemable and dark becomes useful. Like a Johnny Cash song. It is also about strength. In this place can I work day after day in more of a thankless existence and just adapt to it? I wonder if it is what every man goes through at some point. 

And that's all I have to say. I wonder what Communion will bring in! 

These thoughts are part of a larger structure of things that I want to talk about. But have not put together yet.