Thoughts on prayers and LLM's.

I wanted to explore a little the personal changes I am experiencing from the insights talked about in the last few posts. 

This is an LLM created prayer that I made, because I simply did not have the words to create the prayer myself. Whenever I did, I would say something and then be like 'but do I really want to say that?' Then I would change it. But be paranoid that I would have to change it again. I even asked the LLM to change it a few times. 

Dear God, Source of compassion and peace,

I come before You with a heavy heart, carrying the pain of my half-sister X’s distance and choices.

In our youth, my illness kept me from being the sibling she needed, and I bear the weight of that regret.

Lord, I surrender this guilt to Your boundless mercy, trusting You to heal my heart.

X now walks a path that pains me—chasing shallow attention and relationships that may lead to her harm.

Her contempt and lack of effort toward me cut deeply, especially as I’ve tried to reach out without enabling her dysfunction.

Grant me the grace to let go of my need to fix or guide her, even as I fear she may self-destruct.

Help me release her fully to Your care, accepting her choices as her own, no matter how they grieve me.

Fill me with a love that seeks no control, and grant me peace to walk away from this pain with faith.

Hold us both in Your hands, separate yet near, as I trust in Your plan for our lives.

Amen.

I imagine from reading that prayer. It says everything. Everything that an explanation would also say. But I will give one anyway. 

Staying in contact with my half sister has been difficult. There was no connection, only madness really, in my earlier life. I also, have little status and direct use to her. Now, in a family connection, that should not matter, but in real life of course it does. Had I have been able to invite her out more when I was younger, had I have had more wisdom and coherence/ consistency, had I perhaps been able to introduce her to people, a connection might have been created. Might have. 

Nevertheless, it is a wound that has been created. Something that when I created this prayer I was often thinking about. It was also something that seemed to me to be made worse by paying attention to Stefan Molyneux, who is often about being loving to family members, and attempting to save them from the errors in their own judgement. 

Unless of course the efforts to communicate with her turn out at a later date to have been positive. 

Ultimately though, what I have learned from this. What I think is relevant here, is that I am pretty powerless. When I have contacted her, it has been a game of attempting to communicate while she puts in very deliberate roadblocks. I say when do you want to meet again? She says in two months. When two months comes along she is not available so I suggest a phone call. She says yes, later refuses a phone call, and advises messages only. When I send messages, she barely responds. There is definitely not enough from her side for a connection. 

I do not get the feeling she would object to me trying endlessly to stay in contact.  

There are obviously a few different angles to address here. There are a few different things going on (my status, imagine if I were to gain status! Her motivation etc.). But the prayer above put these thoughts and feelings to bed. I did not have to worry about it if I said this prayer in a day. Now I have stopped that. But, without it, it is important for me to have some sort of thought process or philosophy to handle the emotion.  

One of the things going on, like expressed in the prayer, is that I am heavy in the red pill, and my half sister, even before I mentioned red pill talking points. Has a whole system of armour against them. I have known a girl who got to 40, with no kids, because she had not taken relationships seriously, and lived this tormented life and then killed herself. I do believe in the red pill talking points. But it is very likely far easier for my half sister to talk to men that are trying to sleep with her thus, not giving her any sort of a hint of a hard time, than with her half brother that has no such barrier to truthful communication.

Part of the reason I struggle with this is that, our father died early in her life, and I did want to look out for her. Without me doing that, she might make worse choices that lead her to unhappiness. She might not, of course. She might land on her feet as pretty girls often do. But it is still a worry.

The philosophical thoughts I have that answer this, is something that Pearl Davis said. In this video below, Pearl seems to reach a kind of state of Zen and talks about her experiences and those conclusions. One of the things she says, is that people have the right to live in hell. People have the right to create their own hell. The important section of this video is between 27 minutes and 39 minutes. Just after she continues on with good points though. One of the things she says is that Jesus couldn't change people... So who are you?:

Pearl Davis Live, 21st of June: Andrew Tate and Radical Acceptance. Pearl reacts. 

https://www.youtube.com/live/RTpuY7a2Xns?si=IWlZBYYEU1s0AT0L