Insight on the acceptance of self.

This entry might be a little disorganised. I do, at least, have an insight though into things I have previously discussed. For me, chocolate and caffeine are not good. I might still have them sometimes, specifically the powdered Cacao I have. Since it is a super food with large amounts of potassium, magnesium and iron. 

But the substance is a chemical for me at least. I have eaten it for eleven days. Partly to get myself through days where I had to spend every hour tidying. Today, not having it. I have a headache and an emotional feeling of grief that I was consciously aware stops getting processed when I have caffeine.

Acceptance of self. 

I have become aware of a fundamental reality today. Because of a few different elements.

The first element is that for many years I was absolutely obsessed with conspiracy theory. I did make a video with studies I had found on how anxiety works, hypothesizing that conspiracy gives people a low level of a trauma bonding kind of thing. Which I maintain. When you are reading about Bond villain levels of evil, I felt at least, that I was prioritising shallow connections with others out of a sense of false comeraderie. Trying to find allies against such a villain. Obviously this false affection was not a good thing to do. 

The second element as I have mentioned is the caffeine. The third element is that on Pearls livestream yesterday she brought up an insight that is powerful for me. She has said that women getting angry at men being "porn brained" tends to be when those same women are doing something like advertising themselves with a cross on and their boobs out doing Christian content. That this is a clearly sexual thing. But they are trying to gaslight men by claiming they are 'porn brained' and pushing off criticism. 

These three together have lead to an unusual insight this morning. I realise that being absolutely soaked in thinking about and yearning sexually, is actually quite productive. We have a huge thing in our society where this is shamed and shamed and shamed again. I would venture for the same reasons as described above. It is the mens 'porn brain' that stops relationships happening. Rather than, as the data shows, women not wanting to settle down before 30. Men always have to be blamed women are always above reproach.

But personally, in comparison to conspiracy or distracting myself with caffeine. The feeling I get at the end of allowing myself to obsess over sexuality a bit is thinking over how I could actually meet women, or get into a relationship. Or even improve others of my relationships. Part of this might be attempting to raise my status through say, work or hobbies. The whole thing might stimulate a creative outlet. 

It's just an insight I thought I would share. Also, one of the things I have thought is that if I stop "releasing" energy (NoFap0, then perhaps this would give me more energy for productive things. Such as the gym. I find that chocolate and alcohol are overstimulating in this regard. My NoFap is already a few days longer having stopped caffeine. 

I have more to say. But not that I'm able to articulate right now.