(This blog has been highlighted as potentially being a bit paranoid in a later one the next day here:
Analysing my astrology. Sesquisquares and paranoia.)
When I was younger, I cannot remember the precise timing but probably roughly about 2004 - 2007, a fantastically beautiful girl harassed me for several years. One of the most physically attractive girls I have ever met in my life. The process was very weird however, it was a Venus- Pluto experience! I was introduced intensely, to a concept that women were sexual creatures; that my younger life had been missing due to my mother flirting with feminism! I genuinely believed women were asexual creatures before this point and I suppressed my sex drive accordingly (because if women do not want sex it is not useful to have a sex drive).
This programming and behaviour has lead to general coldness towards girls in my early life, perhaps until this experience.
In general this has become how things work out with me and women. There is a kind of power game for long periods of time where there is nothing, nothing, nothing in terms of positive attention from the girl. This is even on a friendship level. Then out of nowhere I get incredibly intense and direct sexuality, and have it taken incredibly personally if it is perceived to be rejected... All or nothing!. Then... bang... it's gone. The girl disappears from my life. Into the dust and ether doth she return!
Of note though is that my current workplace seems to have relatively sane girls. It is fairly female centric although two males in management roles is shifting it back more into the centre.
On top of this, my diabetes causes a lot of stress in my life and I simply have to allow paranoid thoughts to run themselves out in my mind. I am not a person who gets so wound up about things that I have to apply those understandings physically. I do not go and beat up someone I suspect of having talked behind my back for instance. Many times my mind entertains thoughts quite inaccurate, and as my bloodsugars work out and perhaps when I get some sleep (and experience real life) these straighten out.
It is against this background that I am going to muse on some things!
I am going to add a paypal donate button to my site. Or am I? Firstly, I do not as of yet expect even one person to donate. If I do receive donations will these change my mind? A few very unlikely hypotheticals here is that I could receive donation after donation from Muslims. Then I would be less likely to criticise Islam (or would I?). Or I could receive a large donation from a girl I know, and then have that followed up with skimpy clothing.
Unlikely... However, in my life female behaviour cannot be predicted. The codes that apply to others do not seem to apply to me. I get attention from absolutely drop dead gorgeous girls I do not consider them above me. I get screwed over sometimes and have in the past by less attractive girls than that, who seem, by appearance, to consider me beneath them! The many opinions on female behaviour have never applied to me. I have never seen them in girls/ women. There is no code for women as I studiously apply to other areas of my life. I can handle coldness from females because I am used to it. I do not find it so easy to handle sudden escalations in implied physicality.
Some youtubers, quite a few actually, avoid having a paypal. If they receive a large donation and a message to do a certain video some feel that is being used for someone elses agenda. So they stick with Patreaon. Which is now being rebelled against post Southern.
Oh the drama.